A few days ago, it was rumored, in The National Enquirer, that the woman best known for playing Marcia on The Brady Bunch would divulge, in her forthcoming book, that she is a lesbian and once had dalliances with Eve Plumb, who played Jan.

If you’re like me, you read news I thought to yourself, “Whew! Now Maureen’s protected under the new hate crime legislation that passed through the Senate!”

The story of McCormick’s lesbionic leanings turns out not to be true. Darn, and just when I was starting to realize how the term “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!” came to be.

By announcing that she’s not gay, McCormick won’t be protected by the expanded federal hate crimes laws which include violence based on a victim’s sexual orientation, among other things.

As a big Brady Bunch fan, I must make this plea: Stay gay, Marcia! That way, if you get beat up or killed the perp will be guilty of a hate crime.

I have to admit though, as a straight non-minority member of an unprotected ethnicity, it’s a good feeling to know that if I’m murdered, it won’t be because the murderer hated me. So I’ve got that goin’ for me… which is nice.

By the way, Larry Craig voted against the bill, the roll call of which was “two taps for ‘yay,’ one tap for ‘nay’.” Some are saying this is hypocritical of Craig, but remember, by saying he’s not gay, the next time his foot accidentally touches the shoe of the man in the next stall and he gets beat up, he can’t accuse that person of hating him, and he can’t even have sex with him because, as we all know, he’s not gay — so he’s only further trapping himself with this vote.

Sure, the rumors concerning Maureen McCormick turn out to be false, but even so, this is still funny:


If you’ve never read Don Asmussen’s work, check it out. He’s hilarious.


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