Here in Michigan, a shutdown of the state government was averted literally at the last second. What was our salvation? The same thing that’s killing us: a tax increase.

Some states don’t deserve to be saved.

Businesses in Michigan are fleeing the area like screaming waitresses with torn blouses running out of a Kennedy family reunion, and our illustrious Governor Granholm can’t understand why. Our tax-happy governor, who can’t lure a business into the state (watching somebody try to fish with no bait, hook, line or pole is indeed pathetic) and can’t convince existing companies to stay here, has decided to continue on with taxes-as-usual, mistakenly believing this gets us “back on solid ground” when in fact all she’s done is to put the state on a brittle plank over the quicksand.

Of course, this is the same governor who once put a petition on the State of Michigan website designed to drive down oil profits, but never mentioned that the state pension fund has hundreds of millions of dollars invested in Exxon-Mobil. Essentially, Granholm was asking state employees to sign a petition to devalue their own retirement funds — and they did it! Nice. There’s a good reason this failure of a governor was re-elected.

The problem for Michigan, the “France of North America” as it’s been called, is that the Great Lake State is a stew of everything businesses hate. It’s heavily unionized, the government is run by buffoons, and the tax schemes are unpredictable and shift more often than a mountain biker on a 20-speed.

According to United Van Lines data, Michigan is the nation’s number one state when it comes to outbound traffic. Based on this fact, as I see it, there is only one solution that our governor and the majority of politicians will approve that will create real change: build a wall and charge an exorbitant fee to any persons or businesses exiting the state.

It wouldn’t be difficult. Michigan’s surrounded by water on three sides. We’d just need a big wall in the south on the Ohio and Indiana borders, an exit fee collector at the Mackinac Bridge, and some patrols on the lakes so companies don’t try to load all their stuff on pontoon boats and make a wake break for Wisconsin or Canada.

Just think of how much money could be raised if the state government would put an exit fee into place!

And here’s the best part: any company or individual that can’t afford the fee will be forced to stay, and then the governor can tax them as much as she wants because they’ll be trapped here! It’s flawless!

This plan makes as much sense as anything else that’s been tried here, and I guarantee it will work just as well as all the other schemes that have gotten us back on “solid ground.”

Cemeteries are on “solid ground” too, Governor Granholm.


Above we see what the Michigan Tax Wall would look like… if it was in China


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