I’m going to start a semi-regular feature entitled “One Possible Future.” These will be posted in the months leading up to the election and encompass possible horrors, and possible upsides, to whatever our decision is in the voting booths in November of 2008.
Today’s “One Possible Future”: Hillary Clinton is sworn into office in January of 2009. Not long after, she announces the appointment of Dennis Kucinich to the post of Secretary of Defense.
One day later, Kucinich releases the following statement:
Date: January 25, 2009
To: U.S. Press Corps
From: SecDef Dennis “ain’t my wife hot” Kucinich
Re: Guns for flowers program
Fellow citizens of the global community, effective immediately I have ordered that the United States military replace all ammunition, including bullets, artillery shells, bombs and any other stuff that blows up, with flowers.
Throughout history, flowers, with all of their beauty, majesty, and of course excellent scent, have stopped more wars than all the ammunition and bombs combined.
How can I justify recalling all bombs and bullets and replacing them with flowers? The examination of several historical events has led me to this decision.
During the “Corcyra Incident” which triggered the First Peloponnesian War, the Athenians knew they were outnumbered by the Spartan army, and yet they managed to repel them using an early form of flower propulsion.
Spring loaded marigolds fired from an empty toilet paper tube bought them enough time to escape unscathed. The only soldier injured in the incident was Athenian leader Pericles, and that was his fault. His flower gun backfired after he loaded a daisy instead of the required marigold in the tube, severely scratching his cornea.
At the battle of Antietam in 1862, a pacifist band of Union liberals, much like myself, fought fiercely. They were opposed to slavery and the secession of the south, but also thought those steel balls would hurt way too much if people were hit by them, so they shot the tops of dandelions at the oncoming Confederate army. This was known as the “Momma dropped the baby and it’s head popped off” thumb-firing propulsion cadence.
Union pacifists would skillfully use their thumbs to separate the flower portion of the dandelion from the stem portion, propelling it forward at speeds of up to 5 mph just as the saying reached the part where they say “head.”
Unfortunately, all 12 soldiers in the liberal pacifist union army were killed rather quickly, but it was the first attempt at flower weaponry on United States soil. It was also the first and only time that liberal college professors took up arms for their country.
English novelist William Makepeace Thackeray put it best. “When I walk with you, I feel as if I had a flower in my buttonhole.” Now everyone will have a flower in their buttonhole. Even if it was fired in anger, it will end up looking like a gesture of love.
At the end of an opera, are those flowers being thrown onstage the thankful gestures of a grateful audience, or assassination attempts? Thankfully, we’ll never know the difference.
The order for flowers to replace bullets and bombs is effective immediately. On a personal note, I’d like to thank the folks at FTD for all their hard work in delivering so much horticultural ammunition to our men and women in Afghanistan and Iraq.
My commanders report that the carnations used by the aptly named “Green Berets” are causing those terrorists with pollen allergies to flee en masse.
My fellow members of the global community, remember, your flower garden isn’t just for aesthetic pleasure anymore. You’re contributing to viability of this new defense system, and you will be until the day you die.
May (insert deity of your choosing here, if you choose to worship no deity, skip over this part) bless you, and may (insert deity of your choosing here, if you choose to worship no deity, skip over this part) bless this global community, which also happens to include, but not be subservient to, America!
Dennis Kucinich, SecDef