Waterboarding vs. Teddyboarding

nullMany Senate Democrats are opposing the nomination of Judge Michael Mukasey for the position of Attorney General on the grounds that Mukasey refused to say that the “advanced interrogation technique” of waterboarding is illegal.

Leading the charge against Mukasey and waterboarding is Ted Kennedy — which is like O.J. Simpson speaking out against Ginsu. Just to clarify the title of this post, “waterboarding” is a procedure that makes its victim think he’s going to drown. “Teddyboarding” is a procedure in which the victim actually drowns. The former is completely unacceptable!

Ted Kennedy is either senile or has gone ahead with that gall enlargement surgery. How can he say things such as this without being interrupted by shame?

“We are supposed to find comfort in the representation by a nominee to the highest law-enforcement office in the country that he will, in fact, enforce the laws that we pass in the future? Can our standards really have sunk so low?” Kennedy asked.

We’ve sunk so low that we’ve struck the Oldsmobile reef.

Kennedy also said that waterboarding is “an ancient technique of tyrants.” What this makes Ted is anybody’s guess.

Kennedy is absolutely shameless. It’s as if he’s rubbing his role in the drowning of Mary Jo Kopechne in the face of America, taunting us to notice the irony as payback for our failure to make him president. Back in 2004, Ted wasn’t even shy about touting the fact that John Kerry once saved somebody from drowning, causing more suppressed giggles in the room than the time Marilyn Monroe crawled out from under the podium after a JFK press conference. This guy has balls the size of Jupiter moons.

Ted’s even got a dog that he named “Splash.” I often wonder if he ever lets Splash get together with Joe Hazelwood’s dog — “Spill” — for a nice game of Frisbee at Compunction Park.

These things are the most telling symptoms of Kennedy’s ivory tower induced moral myopia. Ted Kennedy, without batting an eye, can denounce simulated drowning, name his dog “Splash” and proudly laud a colleague for saving someone from drowning? This takes more painful nerve than a Novocain free root canal.

I hope that if Judge Mukasey is ultimately confirmed, he does indeed ban the use of waterboarding — opting instead to make terror suspects ride shotgun with Teddy across a bridge. They’ll be singing like a canary in a heartbeat.

Until that day, fear not terrorists — Ted Kennedy’s looking out for you!


Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. MichelleMalkin.com alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: WriteDoug@Live.com.