Barack-omania, Brother!

It’s over for Hillary. Hulk Hogan has endorsed Barack Obama.

Gee, I sure hope they don’t let the Hulkster’s kid drive in the inaugural parade.

If Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock also come out in favor of Obama, consider me sold!

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“Keep sayin’ your prayers, eatin’ your vitamins, raisin’ taxes, socializin’ medicine, punishin’ acheivement and supportin’ abortion, brother!”

4th Amendment Rights of Pizza in Jeopardy

Soon, when you order a Dominos pizza, you’ll be able to track it:

Domino’s, the pizza-delivery kingpin, today will unveil a technology, Pizza Tracker, that lets customers literally track their pizza from the moment they place the order until it leaves the store en route to them. What’s more, Domino’s vows that its online tracking system — for phone or online orders — is accurate to within 40 seconds.

When we can do something similar with our tax dollars, I’ll finally believe that technology has arrived.

By the way, I just ordered a Dominos so I could help beta test the tracker, and here’s where my order is right now.

The McCain Scrutiny

If John McCain is the GOP nominee, the Democrats will be as excited as Kwame Kilpatrick getting a text message. Why? Because no matter which party wins in November, they’ll essentially have someone in the White House.

It’s no secret how I feel about McCain’s solid RINO status, but, just as I was about to explain it yet again, I ran across a headline on the parody news site Scrappleface.com that sums it up: “John Edwards drops out, endorses McCain”

But it’s not all parody. Here’s a liberal who likes McCain (read: The liberal case for McCain), in part because he won’t nominate evil conservatives judges — who have the audacity to interpret Constitutional law rather than invent it — for the Supreme Court.

Michelle Malkin told Glenn Beck she might sit at home on election night if McCain’s the GOP nominee.

The Democrats recognize this sentiment among conservatives, which could be why there’s a reason McCain’s been winning big among “independents.” And I’m willing to bet that, somehow, magically, about 75% of these “independents” will be voting for Obama or Hillary in November.

Why get a knock-off when you can have the genuine article for the same price?

Your Favorite Sports Team Sucks Because of Global Warming

Global warming isn’t just going to melt the polar ice caps, it’s going to make the Denver Broncos, Washington Redskins, Chicago Bears, New England Patriots, Baltimore Ravens, Kansas City Chiefs, New York Jets, New York Giants, Buffalo Bills, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Steelers, Philadelphia Eagles and Green Bay Packers lose more in the future.

From the “Guy who runs ‘Environment Today’ was trying to give some busy-work to his deadbeat son-in-law so he assigned him an asinine article” department comes this:

As Americans gear up for Sunday’s Super Bowl, Environment America today highlighted how global warming could affect the future success of the Patriots, Giants and other cold weather teams across the country. Specifically, the group highlighted the threat of rising winter temperatures lessening the cold weather that has historically given cold weather teams an edge over warm weather rivals.

Here’s a breakdown of the “findings”:

Environment America’s analysis found that:

–All 14 cold-weather teams’ cities—including those of the Super Bowl-bound New England Patriots and New York Giants—saw an increase in winter temperatures from 2000-2007 as compared to the previous thirty years.

–The Green Bay Packers had the largest temperature increase during the last seven seasons, a 4.1 degree Fahrenheit increase as compared to the previous thirty years.

–The New York Giants and New England Patriots saw temperature increases of 1.7 and 0.8 degrees Fahrenheit respectively during the last seven years, as compared to the previous thirty years.

And what’s happened to these teams as their weather has warmed a fraction of a degree? Let’s see… the Packers lost their edge so much that they went to the NFC Championship game, and, if memory serves, global warming was not a factor in Green Bay that day.

The Giants, another cold weather team who are nearly playing in a capitalism-induced blast furnace, then beat the Packers after beating the Cowboys in Dallas and, a week before, the Bucs in Tampa Bay — in the kind of heat that is supposed to steal their edge.

The Patriots, a cold weather team whose “edge” is at risk of disappearing, are poised to win their 4th Super Bowl in the past 7 seasons.

My semi-beloved Detroit Lions are traditionally the suckiest team in the north, and they play in a dome. ‘Splain that one, Environment America.

Pretty much the only thing this “report” is going to accomplish is to convince fans of warm weather teams to fire up their SUV’s and lawn tractors, and burn huge piles of tires to try to gain an “edge” that doesn’t even exist. Well done (literally), Environment Today!

Question for Al Gore: Does this mean that the next time I bet on the Denver Broncos to beat the San Diego Chargers, I can count it as a carbon credit?

It’s not just football, either. According to Sports Illustrated, global warming will also give the Florida Marlins an edge:

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Primary Quote of the Day, and Other Random Notes

This comes from Mitt Romney’s concession speech in Florida tonight, where he lost by about 4% to John McCain:

“We’re not going to fix Washington by sending the same people back to sit in a different chair.”

‘Nuff said.

So, next Tuesday will be for all the marbles. Rudy’s gone now. His speech spoke of his campaign in the past tense. Nobody saw this coming a few months ago.

Have you noticed that nobody carries Ron Paul’s speeches after a primary election, even if he’s close to somebody else whose speech they do carry?

But this isn’t all just about Republicans. The Obama campaign got some great news today: Jimmy Carter did not endorse him.

Democrats Enter The Twilight Zone

Rod Serling should be the spokesman for the Democrats this primary season.

Think about what’s happened in recent weeks. Hillary Clinton, baby-momma to our nation’s “first black president,” has been thoroughly denied by black voters at the polls in favor of Barack Obama, a real black person — who was then promptly transformed into a Kennedy. Psych!

Obviously the Dems don’t really want a black president. Carolyn Kennedy said that Obama is “just like my father.” Well, we know that JFK proposed tax cuts and Obama is the exact opposite. Besides being relatively young, about the only remaining way they could be alike is if Obama gets sexually aroused whenever Some Like it Hot is on AMC.

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“You’ve entered a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of pandering, race baiting, socialism, chameleonic color changes and drunken endorsements — you’ve entered, the Democrat Zone”

A Couple of State of the Union Thoughts

I’m sitting here with the flu and not much better to do, so here we go…

The speech got underway just after 9 p.m. e.t. It’s Bush’s final State of the Union before he gets a tearful goodbye from the Democrats and some Republicans.

From my count, there were $892 quadrillion worth of proposals made by the president. He’s dangerously close to being over $900 quadrillion, a level which would require him to switch parties. Careful, Dubya, you don’t want to turn into a spendthrift.

The biggest surprise of the night? Hillary stayed awake. Yep, she must be running for president all right. Too bad they didn’t sit her next to Teddy — I was looking forward to the bloated Pope of Massachusetts getting busted over the head with his own Dewars bottle.

What’s no surprise is that, on one side of the aisle, we saw real support of the troops, and on the other we saw what amounts to aid and comfort to the enemy. When Bush spoke of conducting the war, the Democrats sat. When he said “this enemy must be defeated,” they rose and applauded. This is where the point of disagreement resides. The Republicans support the troops, and the Democrats want to let the “war fairy” defeat the enemy.

Nancy Pelosi was blinking so much that she’s been offered a job as sign outside a Nevada brothel. I think she’s sending some kind of code. For anybody who cares to try to decipher it, here’s a tape loop taken from a network feed:

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I think she’s Morse coding “Oil can… oil can!” but I can’t be sure.

Oh, also, one last time, Mr. President. I beg you… it’s “Nu-klee-er”… NU-KLEE-ER… not Nu-kew-ler.

After Bush’s speech, the Democratic response (by Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius, who opted for a less confrontational approach and more for a hypnotic tone) consisted of the usual two key points: “Nuh-uh!” and “Shyeah… as if!” She closed by saying “God bless, and sleep well” — the same thing Priests say to guys who are about to get lethal injections.

Whoever said “A house divided against itself cannot stand” never saw a building in which a State of the Union speech was being given.

WaPo Gives Great Headline

The audible snickers you hear are coming from the Washington Post’s headline writers concerning Ted Kennedy breaking loyalty with Bill Clinton:

“Kennedy Will Endorse Obama in Blow to Clinton”

Using the word “blow” in the same headline with “Obama” and “Clinton” is a chuckle-inducing three-way of homonyms and suggestive wordplay for the more immature among us, including me.

I personally would have written “Kennedy Leaves Bridge to 21st Century, Makes Big Splash with Obama Camp,” but that’s just me.