Your Favorite Sports Team Sucks Because of Global Warming

Global warming isn’t just going to melt the polar ice caps, it’s going to make the Denver Broncos, Washington Redskins, Chicago Bears, New England Patriots, Baltimore Ravens, Kansas City Chiefs, New York Jets, New York Giants, Buffalo Bills, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Pittsburgh Steelers, Philadelphia Eagles and Green Bay Packers lose more in the future.

From the “Guy who runs ‘Environment Today’ was trying to give some busy-work to his deadbeat son-in-law so he assigned him an asinine article” department comes this:

As Americans gear up for Sunday’s Super Bowl, Environment America today highlighted how global warming could affect the future success of the Patriots, Giants and other cold weather teams across the country. Specifically, the group highlighted the threat of rising winter temperatures lessening the cold weather that has historically given cold weather teams an edge over warm weather rivals.

Here’s a breakdown of the “findings”:

Environment America’s analysis found that:

–All 14 cold-weather teams’ cities—including those of the Super Bowl-bound New England Patriots and New York Giants—saw an increase in winter temperatures from 2000-2007 as compared to the previous thirty years.

–The Green Bay Packers had the largest temperature increase during the last seven seasons, a 4.1 degree Fahrenheit increase as compared to the previous thirty years.

–The New York Giants and New England Patriots saw temperature increases of 1.7 and 0.8 degrees Fahrenheit respectively during the last seven years, as compared to the previous thirty years.

And what’s happened to these teams as their weather has warmed a fraction of a degree? Let’s see… the Packers lost their edge so much that they went to the NFC Championship game, and, if memory serves, global warming was not a factor in Green Bay that day.

The Giants, another cold weather team who are nearly playing in a capitalism-induced blast furnace, then beat the Packers after beating the Cowboys in Dallas and, a week before, the Bucs in Tampa Bay — in the kind of heat that is supposed to steal their edge.

The Patriots, a cold weather team whose “edge” is at risk of disappearing, are poised to win their 4th Super Bowl in the past 7 seasons.

My semi-beloved Detroit Lions are traditionally the suckiest team in the north, and they play in a dome. ‘Splain that one, Environment America.

Pretty much the only thing this “report” is going to accomplish is to convince fans of warm weather teams to fire up their SUV’s and lawn tractors, and burn huge piles of tires to try to gain an “edge” that doesn’t even exist. Well done (literally), Environment Today!

Question for Al Gore: Does this mean that the next time I bet on the Denver Broncos to beat the San Diego Chargers, I can count it as a carbon credit?

It’s not just football, either. According to Sports Illustrated, global warming will also give the Florida Marlins an edge:


Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: