Monthly Archives: February 2008

Dr. McCainenstein Attacked By His Own Monster

As Lt. Frank Drebin of Police Squad once said, “Irony can be pretty ironic sometimes”:

The nation’s top federal election official told Sen. John McCain yesterday that he cannot immediately withdraw from the presidential public financing system as he had requested, a decision that threatens to dramatically restrict his spending until the general election campaign begins in the fall.

The prospect of being financially hamstrung by the very fundraising system he helped create is the latest in a series of bitter challenges for the presumed GOP nominee, who still faces a fractured conservative coalition as he assumes the mantle of party leadership.

It turns out that one of McCain’s famous “reaches across the aisle” might cost him a few fingers. I’m hoping this teaches him a lesson if he becomes president, but I won’t bet on it.

Join Greenpeace, Gain Immunity from Airport Security

There’s a scene in the movie “Airplane” where two heavily armed men in berets and one sweet old lady are walking through a metal detector. The buzzer goes off, and security grabs the elderly woman and throws her up against the wall as the two would-be terrorists proceed unimpeded.

That movie was more prophetic that anybody could possibly know.

From our “‘While you were busy removing your shoes, having your friggin’ toothpaste confiscated and being arrested for spending too much time in the airport Men’s room’ department” comes this:

Five environmental activists were arrested after they climbed onto a plane at London’s Heathrow Airport on Monday to protest plans to build a third runway there.

Greenpeace said the activists walked across the tarmac and climbed onto the British Airways Airbus A320 after it landed on a domestic flight from Manchester in northern England.

Here’s a picture of how effective airport security is:

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In the meantime, you are lucky to get merely a warning shot from airport cops if you sit in the “loading and unloading” zone for more than ten seconds.

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“I’m telling you, dammit… there’s hippies on the wing!”

A Messenger to Be Pitied

Columnist Robert Novak poses a question concerning what may be the most dangerous job in America. Soldier? Nope. Police officer? No. Astronaut? Nuh uh. The most dangerous job in America is the one held by whoever has to tell Hillary she’s finished.

I can’t help but picture the scene in the movie Gladiator where the man is sent off on horseback to negotiate. Several minutes pass, and we can hear the horse returning carrying the man — who now has no head.

Instead of facing reality (untested waters for the Clintons), Hillary’s opting for the Butch Cassidy ending. The Alamo is a good comparison as well:

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Thugs Bunny

Just when you thought American kids shows were bad…

Charles at LGF points to this rather surreal Hamas kids show and highlights some of the content:

Yes, it’s Assud the Jew-eating Hamas rabbit, appearing again on the Hamas kid’s show Pioneers of Tomorrow with zombie child host Saraa, urging Palestinian children to boycott Danish products, kill anyone who “insults” Mohammed, and wipe out Israel.

Watch the video (click the picture below to view) and you’ll feel like you dropped acid and went to a terrorist meeting that was organized by Sid and Marty Kroft.

On the bright side, I think we’ve finally located and identified the killer bunny that terrorized Jimmy Carter back in the ’70’s (though why it would want to harm an ally is beyond me).

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Monday’s Column: The Eclipse That Saves Al Gore

Today’s column at WorldNetDaily began last Wednesday night, during what’s referred to as “The eclipse that saved Columbus.”

While stranded on Jamaica, Christopher Columbus used a particular trick and took advantage of a general lack of scientific understanding among island natives in order to get out of a jam. It occurred to me that Columbus’ sneaky little piece of brilliance was not unlike what Al Gore does every single day.

Find out what this “trick” is in “The eclipse that saves Al Gore.”

You can give it a “Digg” here. (I have no idea who user “Johnny2k” is, but I owe him a beer)

Dorito Fatwa!

The inherent fury knows no bounds.

This from Great Britain:

Furious Muslims have heavily criticised Walkers crisps after it emerged that certain varieties of the manufacturer’s products contain trace elements of alcohol.

Some crisp types use minute amounts of alcohol as a chemical agent to extract certain flavours.
[…]
Mr Rehman told the paper: “A customer informed us that Sensations Thai Sweet Chilli and Doritos Chilli Heat Wave are not on Walkers’ alcohol-free list.
[…]
“I feel frustrated and angry. I have let my customers down simply because such a big company like Walkers is not sensitive to Muslim needs.”

Muslim Dorito-lovers were unavailable for comment concerning the alcohol content of their favorite chips as they were busy inexplicably putting their friends in a headlock, lining up at the BK drive-thru at 2 a.m. and hitting on fat girls.

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Followers of Islam, such as “Islamic Rage Boy,” pictured above, are forbidden to consume alcohol because it might make them do crazy things

Bob Lutz: Gore-ing the Sacred Environmental Ox

My column tomorrow is going to be about Al Gore’s ongoing hoax that makes the Nigerian email scam look like a kid stealing a pack of gum.

Every time I write about the trickery that is the big-business of “man made climate change,” I get angry email from enviro-sheep, persecuting me to the point that I feel like Galileo Galilei after claiming that the Earth was round.

Bob Lutz, GM’s Vice Chairman, must get the same thing, but on a much grander scale. The cool thing about Lutz is that he doesn’t fall into lock-step like many other auto execs, and it pisses off those who stand to make a fortune from the Gore lie.

And he’s standing his ground:

General Motors Corp Vice Chairman Bob Lutz has defended remarks he made dismissing global warming as a “total crock of shit,” saying his views had no bearing on GM’s commitment to build environmentally friendly vehicles.
[…]
As part of a campaign against higher fuel economy standards, Lutz wrote in a 2006 blog posting that forcing automakers to sell smaller cars would be “like trying to address the obesity problem in this country by forcing clothing manufacturers to sell smaller, tighter sizes.”

It is our responsibility to keep our environment as clean as possible, but the Gorebots present us with only two choices: Do what Al Gore says, or you’re destroying the environment.

I think Al Gore is full of more BS than, well, a constipated bull. I can believe this while still keeping my environment clean. Gore wants you to think that disbelief in his “man made climate change” claims and maintaining the cleanest environment possible without destroying the economy are mutually exclusive ideas.

Gore’s operating a successful sham, and people like Lutz are calling him out and I hope he keeps doing so.

‘Hillary is the Centerfold… Nah nah nah nah nah nahhhh’

You never know, if Hillary’s campaign gets much more strapped for cash, much to our horror, she might consider a proposal that I suspect is being made by a major stockholder in Pepto Bismol:

I am a retired entrepreneur who thrived during the prosperous years of the Clinton administration. Because I feel I have a debt to President and Senator Clinton, I am making a radical, “out of the box” proposal to her which I think will enhance her stature to people around the world, especially women.

I am offering Senator Clinton $750,000 to pose for a series of tasteful, artistic nude photos. I am NOT talking about pornography; these would be tasteful photos which would show Senator Clinton as an older woman who is fully in control of her body and her sexuality.

President Hillary Clinton would represent a new direction for America and these photos would serve to demonstrate her commitment to that new brave, bold direction.

A video made by the man who made the offer is here.

By the way, this will never happen, because I heard that Bill has offered Hillary a cool million to keep her clothes on.

Oh, and major apologies to the J. Geils Band for the title of this post.

Saturday Stupid

nullThe return of “Saturday Stupid” of course means the return of Klem Kadiddlehopper, our fearless, witless mascot.

Here are a few news items that begged to be featured on “Saturday Stupid”:

–The president of Turkmenistan fired 30 journalists, directors, camera operators and technical staff from a state television station because a cockroach ran across the desk during a nightly news program. Leave it to commies to see a cockroach and fire everybody except the exterminator.

–Willie Nelson wants Bush impeached because he thinks the president will do anything to stay in power, including staging an event to cancel the election. Unfortunately, Willie doesn’t seem to realize that if Bush goes, the IRS still stays. Don’t bogart the redbud, Willie.

–John McCain turned a potentially harmful story by the New York Times into a call-to-arms for Republicans and as a result is raking in more campaign cash as the GOP circles the wagons to protect one of their own against a liberal institution. Let’s not forget that the Times endorsed McCain. Can you hear McCain and Pinch Sulzberger laughing and back-slapping behind closed doors? I can.

–There was a group in Iraq called the “Happy Family Clowns” that existed to “put smiles on the faces of Iraqi children.” The group started getting death threats, but kept performing. Later, two of them were murdered, and the remaining three have fled Iraq, leaving that country with a tremendous shortage of clowns. Fret not, Iraqis — you’re probably due for another visit from members of U.S. Congress soon.

–Speaking of clowns, a helicopter carrying Sens. Kerry, Biden and Hagel made an emergency landing in Afghanistan last week. As Senator Kerry cleared some room on his mantle so he can display his new Purple Heart, aviation experts concluded the emergency landing occurred because the craft was grossly overweight with egos.

–Hard time: Steve Warshak, who owns the company that sells “Enzyte” male enhancement pills, was found guilty of fraud and could spend 20 years in prison. I’d rather run through a car wash carrying a plugged in toaster than be this guy.

–Michelle Obama’s senior thesis at Princeton was on “racial divide.” Democrats start training them young, don’t they?

–Ben & Jerry of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream have endorsed Barack Obama and created a “Cherries for Change” flavor. Hey, it was either that or “Chocolate/Vanilla Swirl.”

–In this battle, I’ll take God with the points: The National Football League has changed its rules to allow churches to stage Super Bowl events and parties without fear of violating copyright laws. It’s a good thing, too, because the churches were about to retaliate by saying NFL players were violating their copyright laws every time a player thanked God for a victory.

–And finally, nothing says “it’s time for the Oscars” like Lauren Hutton giving photographers the finger.

Thank Goodness There’s Another Option

If you’re not thrilled with the choice of John McCain for president, and you don’t want Obama or Clinton, just hold on — help is on the way!

Ralph Nader, heir apparent to the throne of Pat Paulsen, may be close to announcing his intention to be resoundingly defeated once again in another presidential election.

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Nader, above left, became infamous in the 1950’s and 60’s for performing cruel airbag experiments on children