Are you a top-notch attorney looking to raise the reputation of your profession? Do you believe Khalid Sheik Mohammed is in fact a salt-of-the-earth human being to the point where he makes Mother Teresa look like a crack whore by comparison, and that the CIA tortured him into confessing things he didn’t do, such as masterminding the 9/11 attacks and beheading Daniel Pearl?
If you answered “yes” to all of the above, then former Attorney General Janet Reno and the ACLU want you to help defend “alleged” terrorists at Gitmo!
Reno will spearhead the ACLU’s $8.5 million effort, dubbed “The John Adams Project,” to see to the well-being of all the wrongly accused, Ghandi-esque saints being illegally detained at Gitmo.
Reno’s lengthy record of support for human rights goes back to 1993 in Waco, Texas, where she bravely defended 74 Branch Davidians’ right to be burned alive by their government.
With your help, participating attorneys can help get these cases out of military “kangaroo” courts and tried in U.S. courts where they belong. Then you’ll sleep better at night in the knowledge that you helped bring to the U.S. some of the world’s most misunderstood human beings — who are heartlessly mislabeled as “terrorists” by actual terrorists like George W. Bush.
Once in America, thanks to you, these men will be able to take full advantage of all the rights that U.S. citizens posses, such as the possibility of living off taxpayer money, taxpayer-funded health care, the ability to sue big tobacco and ready access to commercial airliners.
If you’re one of the lucky lawyers chosen to participate, be prepared to spend some time in the tropics, followed by a counter-suit you’ll help file on behalf of the accused at Gitmo against U.S. citizens. The lawsuit will seek punitive damages for the mental anguish and pain and suffering wrought by every American who had the audacity not to die on 9/11, and those Americans’ subsequent unlawful attempts to deny non-Americans the right to try it again. If this lawsuit lands in the lap of California’s Ninth Circuit Court, be prepared to make a fortune!
Top-notch lawyers, send Janet Reno and the ACLU your resume today and protect freedom!
(Disclaimer: All lawyers chosen to participate will be required to sign a waiver acknowledging that Ms. Reno, the ACLU and detainees being defended are not to be held responsible for any attorney who is disemboweled, beheaded, bludgeoned, blown up, stomped, shot and/or stabbed by said client/detainee, and that said attorney understands that any violence directed toward him or her by said client/detainee is simply a symptom of what happens when virtuous human beings are falsely accused of violence)