Monthly Archives: May 2008

Denmark’s Full of Jerks This Weekend

I was looking for something to take our minds off politics this weekend, and dang if I didn’t find a rather disgusting distraction in Denmark.

It’s a long road as far as preparation goes, but this is when the decades of training and dedication finally pays off:

ISHOJ , Denmark, May 30 (UPI) — Organizers of Denmark’s first “Masturbate-a-thon,” set to be held at a suburban Ishoj nightclub, say more than 60 men and women are registered to compete.

The organizers said participants will masturbate in front of the assembled crowd and will then be judged in several categories — including farthest ejaculation and longest orgasm — the Copenhagen Post reported Friday.

Pia Struck, the organizer of the competition, said she studied under renowned author and sexologist Betty Dodson.

This is something some people have to study for? I guess this is the reason there are instructions on shampoo bottles, because most of us figured it out on our own. Imagine how good we’d be at it if we had masturbation’s version to Mr. Miyagi — a stroke Sensei, if you will, to guide us through the intricacies of the event.

How’d you like to be the tape measure guy at this thing? That runway must be even more disgusting than the Slip n Slide at Elton John’s summertime “beat the heat” party.

If you attend this competition as a spectator, sure, you might get a chance to meet Pee Wee Herman and George Michael, but I’d highly suggest wearing your “going to sit in the first few rows at a Gallagher concert” attire:

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Enhanced Photo of Previously Undiscovered Tribe Dashes Hillary’s Only Remaining Hope

Photos of a previously undiscovered tribe in the Amazonian rainforest are making the rounds. The discovery is significant because it means Hillary Clinton would no longer be the only person in the Western Hemisphere to be completely unaware that she has no chance of winning the nomination.

At first glance, this story would give us good reason to make this assumption:

Researchers have produced aerial photos of jungle dwellers who they say are among the few remaining peoples on Earth who have had no contact with the outside world.

Taken from a small airplane, the photos show men outside thatched communal huts, necks craned upward, pointing bows toward the air in a remote corner of the Amazonian rainforest.

But something about the aerial photos of the tribe didn’t look right to me. I’ve placed an arrow on one particular picture which points to the suspect area:

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When we zoom in and enlarge that section we see this:

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Sorry, Hil. But there are a lot more undiscovered tribes out there. You never know, maybe you’re not entirely alone. Keep hope alive!

McClellan on Olbermann, or Maybe Vice-Versa is More Accurate

Scott McClellan, Bush’s former Press Secretary who just couldn’t believe the horrendous words that were made to come out of his mouth, was on Keith Olbermann’s “Countdown” show last night, and you’d have to pop in a DVD of Bambi to see more fawning.

Here are some select transcripts from the interview.

McClellan’s shins must be getting raw from all the leg-humping he’s getting from liberals lately (read the comments at the HuffPo link) — many of whom consider Bush to be Hitler, but somehow manage to find it in their hearts to love one of Der Fuhrer’s ex-employees.

To think that all those people were strung up at Nuremberg when all they would have had to do to redeem themselves and achieve courageous hero status these days would have been to write a book knocking the propaganda they parrotted, sucked up to a few Jewish moguls and then made an appearance on Keith Olbermann’s program.

Timing is everything.

The Unhittable Mariah Carey

After this post, I promise I won’t mention a pop star for at least three months, but how bad was Mariah Carey’s “first pitch” at a baseball game in Japan? So horrible that the Detroit Tigers just signed her on to replace Francisco Cruceta as their ace middle reliever.

Maybe the Tigers would play better if they switched their uniforms to something like Mariah is wearing here while throwing her speciality: The two-foot fastball.

Shamlet: Gore’s Fictional Shakespearean Tragedy to be Immortalized in Opera

Saying “now it’s getting silly” about Al Gore’s shtick is a little like claiming that the Pacific Ocean is getting a little damp, but this takes the cake:

MILAN, Italy (AP) – First it was the film and the book. Now the next stop for Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” is opera.

La Scala officials say the Italian composer Giorgio Battistelli has been commissioned to produce an opera on the international multiformat hit for the 2011 season at the Milan opera house. The composer is currently artistic director of the Arena in Verona.

2011? Aren’t we supposed to be dead by then?

Just think, right now Giorgio Battistelli is writing this opera and yelling out into the kitchen to his wife, “Honey, what rhymes with ‘hypocrisy’?”

I just can’t wait for The Queen of Global Warming’s moving aria:

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The vengeance of SUV’s boil in my heart,
Death, despair and cattle flatulence flame around me!
If the people do not through you feel (or smell)
The pain of climate change,
Then you will be His deciple nevermore.
Disowned may you be forever,
Abandoned may you be forever,
Banned forever (from His private jet)
Destroyed be forever
All the lucrative bonds of nature,
If not through you
My bank account becomes pale! (as death)
Hear, Gods of Revenge,
Hear a mother’s curse forevermore!
For that son of a bitch,
who didn’t buy carbon credits from Al Gore.

**Major apologies to Mozart

Scott McClellan and the Lucrative Nuremberg Defense

Let’s get this out of the way quickly: The only people I hate more than those who sell out their beliefs to get a good job and ultimately pad a bank account are people who believed in what they were doing but later rolled over on their former boss because it was popular to do so in order to pad a bank account.

Which is former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan? Who knows, and who cares. Either way, he’s slime.

McClellan slings mud at the Bush administration in his new book without getting any on himself, not so surprisingly. That should be hard to do, since McClellan was at the center of the storm in the Bush administration for quite a while — hell, he was his spokesman! McClellan should be the muddiest guy in the room, but, of course, mudslingers usually are the first to don a raincoat.

There are more allegations in the book, but I won’t buy it because I’m against financing swine.

Some on the left are now saying that if some of the “revelations” in McClellan’s book are true, Bush should be impeached — as if they won’t want to impeach Bush even if the allegations are not true. But what about McClellan? Has everybody suddenly forgotten the definition of “complicit”?

Hey Scott, better be careful. There are a ton of historic examples of former employees of war criminals being hanged right along with their former bosses — even if they wrote a book.

My hatred of turncoats really has nothing to do with Bush, or even Republicans. I hate turncoats in general. I hated Dick Morris for sucking up to the Clintons for years and years and then turning on them. Morris helped do the Clintons dirty work while his mouth was full of hooker’s toes and he was on the phone mumbling something to the president about Bosnia, giving Morris a fetish-induced speech impediment to this day — then soon after he became one of the Clintons biggest critics and wrote books on how they damaged the country. Oh how quickly in politics “we” becomes “they.”

At some point, the Nuremberg Defense went from being an unacceptable excuse for one’s past behavior, to something that turncoats use to sell books and make a fortune. Times have changed. Besides, does the “I was just following orders” excuse work in a job you’re free to leave at any time?

There is still such a thing as loyalty though. For example, Tony Snow, another former Bush Press Secretary, has taken the high road — and he has cancer treatments to pay for. The only medical related issue McClellan has that I’m aware of is four installments left until his integrity bypass operation is completely paid off.

Snow’s also a prolific writer. Tony could roll over on Bush in an articulate and entertaining way and make a pile of money placating Bush haters, but he won’t — he leaves that to the reptilian sellouts.

By the way, guess who has connections with the company that published McClellan’s book? By George, this is hardly a surprise.

Featured Email: Don’t Stay Away Mad, Just Stay Away

A little earlier today I received the following email from a Jeff G., sent to my WorldNetDaily address:

Subject: Why I left the USA…

because of people like you…

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=40101

Rock against American Idiots!

Stuff that in your ballot box!

Signed:

American proudly NOT living in America anymore…

The column he points to is something I wrote in August of 2004 entitled “Rockers against Bush strike wrong chord.”

Yours truly, an American idiot, is partly responsible for chasing a liberal out of the country. How cool is that?

**Note: The preceding letter has received a stamp of approval by the Patron Saint of Hissy Liberal Emailers, Dumpy McMiddlefinger:

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Mike Barnicle Compliments Bloggers

Former Boston Globe columnist, Mike Barnicle, was anchoring the “Morning Joe” show on MSNBC. While discussing the Obama’s Uncle liberating Auschwitz story with his guest and the three viewers watching the show, Barnicle said this about bloggers:

What about the theory that we in the news media have taken ourselves so seriously, because of this 24-hour news cycle that we’re all involved in, that we don’t give enough credit for people being over-tired, exhausted, campaigning 20 hours a day, misspeaking—including Senator Clinton at times misspeaking—and then we jump all over them. And then these nitwits at home with their computers, these bloggers, who think they’re part of the news media, can then accuse us of being soft on this candidate or that candidate.

Mike Barnicle has in the past, on far more than one occasion, been accused of making up stories and for directly plagiarizing other writers — he was forced to resign (read: fired) ten years ago from his gig at the Boston Globe under these same circumstances.

If this guy is an example of the “legitimate news media,” then bloggers should consider Barnicle’s insult the ultimate compliment.

Cover-Uppers Having Trouble Adjusting to Being Cover-Uppees?

What’s wrong with the Democrats’ race for the presidential nomination? Hillary should be winning, right?

In reality, according to Bill, she is winning, but there is some sort of all-powerful controlling force at work that is covering up the fact that Hillary is in actuality the nominee:

Former President Clinton said that Democrats were more likely to lose in November if Sen. Hillary Clinton is not the nominee and suggested that some were trying to “push and pressure and bully” superdelegates to make up their minds prematurely.
[…]
Clinton also suggested that some were trying to “cover up” Hillary Clinton’s chances of winning in key states that Democrats will have to win in the general election.

“‘Oh, this is so terrible: The people they want her. Oh, this is so terrible: She is winning the general election, and he is not. Oh, my goodness, we have to cover this up.'”

The Clintons’ continued descent into psychosis keeps reminding me of the climactic scene in The Caine Mutiny.

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“It’s a conspiracy to keep Hillary from the presidency, that’s what it is! And then of course there’s that missing quart of strawberries!”