Peter Schweizer tackles the above question in the U.K.’s Daily Mail, and he concludes that right-wingers are nicer people.

However, as a greedy right-winger, I wouldn’t have even mentioned it unless there was something in it for me, which is why I read with interest this comment by the Mail editors:

Prove Peter Schweizer wrong and tell us below why Left-wingers are really more lovable. The three best replies will win a bottle of Bollinger champagne and a donation of £100 to the Red Cross appeal to help Burma cyclone victims.

Okay, here’s my rebuttal to Schweizer:

Left wingers are nicer, more loving and lovable people because they care more than I do about my health, what I drive and the air I breathe. As a result, they don’t want to see me burdened by my own money, which can only be used to buy things that are bad for my health or the air I breathe. This is why they vote for nice liberal politicians who will also love me so much that ultimately I’m unable to hurt myself or anybody else.

There. I would have told them to send my Bollinger champagne to the cyclone victims, but since that would be counterproductive to the point I’m trying to make, they can just send it to the house. I’ll swill it down while laughing at poor people, kicking puppies and blowing second-hand smoke into daycare centers.

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