Monthly Archives: July 2008

The Couple That Tase Together, Stays Together

No more calls please, we already have a winner for this week’s “Andrew Meyer Golden Taser Award,” and the proud recipients are from just down the expressway from me.

My only regret is that I wasn’t invited to this reception:

The Michigan wedding of Durango newlyweds Andy and Ania Somora came to an abrupt end last weekend after the bride and groom were tasered by local police and spent their wedding night in jail.

According to a news release from the Chikaming Township (Mich.) Police Department, Officer Jeff Enders responded Saturday to the Burnison Art Gallery in Lakeside, Mich., after gallery owner Judi Burnison asked for assistance with unruly guests at the Somoras’ wedding reception.

Apparently a big row developed at the reception when the bride grew cranky after running out of Skoal and the groom refused to put his tank top back on and run down to the 7-11 for another tin.

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It’s bound to be a long night when the wedding theme is “As seen on COPS”

Over-Inflated Candidate Discusses Under-Inflated Tires

Below is 22 seconds of Barack Obama saying that we wouldn’t need to drill for any more oil if we’d just keep our tires properly inflated, and if we did so the country would save the same amount of oil we’d get if we did the domestic drilling that Republicans and some Democrats are calling for:

Will somebody please pull the dipstick from Obama’s head and check the lucidity level? I think he’s a few quarts low. I thought the gasoline problems were because of greedy “big oil” companies — now it’s because the left front tire of my Chevy Venture is at 33 psi instead of 35 psi?

“Get more tune-ups”? Somebody’s getting generous campaign donations from the Automobile Mechanics Union.

Environmental nutcase extra: This is an oldie but always worth a mention as long as Gore’s still peddling his hoax: Quiz — Who said it, Al Gore or the Unabomber?

Bonus question and answer:

Q: How come Gore called his movie “An Inconvenient Truth”?

A: Because “Capricorn One” was already taken.

The Shroud of Purrin’

This week’s “I saw Jesus’ face on…” story is brought to you by some people who claim to have a kitten that sports Jesus’ face on its fur. CNN even has a video of it. Here’s that image — use your imagination:

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I’m only posting this because it’s an incredible coincidence. It just so happens that I saw an image of the Savior of All Mankind on my cat’s fur earlier this morning:

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Creepy.

McCain Veep List Down to Two?

My sources told me that their sources told them that Jim Geraghty’s sources at NRO’s “The Corner” told him that their sources in the McCain camp — who are close with sources close to those vetting possible McCain VP choices — that McCain’s list of possible VP’s is down to two people: Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty and Mitt Romney.

I outlined my problems with Romney in this column from last December, but I do believe he has solid fiscal conservative credentials that are much needed on this ticket — in spite of completely turning me off back when he was challenging Ted Kennedy for his senate seat in ’94.

Pawlenty might be an attractive choice for McCain, who needs to carry states like Minnesota. McCain’s only down by a couple of points to Obama in a state that pretty much qualifies as nothing more than a refrigerated version of California, which isn’t bad for a GOPer. The downside to Pawlenty: He isn’t well-known nationally. The upside to Pawlenty: He isn’t well-known nationally.

If I had to choose between Pawlenty and Romney, I’d pick ::flips coin:: Sarah Palin.

‘John Kerry Reporting for Booty!’

Looks like Senator John Kerry is picking up the party slack while Teddy’s on the D.L.

According to TMZ, John Kerry left a Nantucket restaurant and a group of **drunken college kids (**today’s redundancy brought to you by Oxi Clean, the stain specialist!) on a boat asked the senator to take some pictures with them.

At least that’s what he told Teresa.

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One of the girls was so honored to meet a U.S. Senator that she broke out the crazy eyes and penis straw for the occasion (the latter being a gift from Bubba the last time he was on the island, but she sold the dog-eared copy of Leaves of Grass to the student book store for beer money), and another was so overcome by Kerry’s powerful presence that she nearly fainted:

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But of course, Kerry’s visit wouldn’t have been complete without a lesson in American history for the kids:

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“We used to drink Bud Light when I served in Vietnam. Did I mention that I served in Vietnam?”

Note: In case Photobucket gets overwhelmed, the partyin’ Kerry photo gallery can be viewed here.

The Ultimate Election Year Suck-Up: Slavery Apology

“On behalf of white people everywhere, sorry about that whole slavery thing. Okay, now can I keep my job?”

From MSDNC… er, I mean, MSNBC:

The House on Tuesday issued an unprecedented apology to black Americans for the wrongs committed against them and their ancestors who suffered under slavery and Jim Crow segregation laws.
[…]
The resolution, passed by voice vote, was the work of Tennessee Democrat Steve Cohen, the only white lawmaker to represent a majority black district. Cohen faces a formidable black challenger in a primary face-off next week.

The next step will be to take money from people who didn’t enslave anybody, and give it to people who weren’t enslaved, with the government of course skimming 2/3 off the top.

The only plantation massa that still exists is in Washington, DC, but unfortunately it doesn’t look like Congress is in any hurry to apologize for their slavish policies that keep people trapped at the bottom but somehow still voting for the same politicians who peddle those oppressive policies (evil genius on the part of Democrats).

If Cohen is re-elected and faces a tough challenge in the next election, this sketch from Chappelle’s Show could become reality.

“Reparations”:

Update: Mother Nature is racist too.

How to Get Songwriters to Support Barneyboarding and Other Tortures

No wonder so many “musicians” are against the war — the artists aren’t getting any royalties when their songs are used to torture people, and a Canadian lawyer says certain songwriters might be owed money.

Good idea. Nothing makes a left-wing artist gain ready acceptance of actions they formerly disdained like a nice, fat royalty check.

If we take into account torture methods throughout history, the band that’s probably owed the largest royalty check is Iron Maiden.

According to the Guardian, as of February of this year, the top 10 torture songs were:

1. F*#k Your God – Deicide
2. Die MF Die – Dope
3. Take Your Best Shot – Dope
4. White America – Eminem
5. Kim – Eminem
6. Barney Theme Song – Barney the Dinosaur
7. Bodies – Drowning Pool
8. Enter Sandman – Metallica
9. Meow Mix TV Commercial – Meow Meow Meow
10. Sesame Street TV Theme

Personally, I’d vote for this song as the best torture tune of all time.

‘Yuri Really Screwed’: Unpleasant Details About the Soviet Space Program

If the history of space exploration is of interest to you, there’s a very long but interesting read at the Fortean Times UK. It’s about the Russian space program in the late 50’s and early 60’s, and the two Italian brothers who intercepted radio transmissions to and from orbiting Russian spacecraft who allege they heard some of the missions end in disaster (disaster for the cosmonauts — the Soviet government didn’t seem to give a damn about anything other than finding the eavesdropping brothers).

What really happened to the missing cosmonauts?:

There are those who believe that somewhere in the vast blackness of space, about nine billion miles from the Sun, the first human is about to cross the boundary of our Solar System into interstellar space. His body, perfectly preserved, is frozen at –270 degrees C (–454ºF); his tiny capsule has been silently sailing away from the Earth at 18,000 mph (29,000km/h) for the last 45 years. He is the original lost cosmonaut, whose rocket went up and, instead of coming back down, just kept on going.

Read it all here.

Incidentally, today marks the day that NASA was established.

Has Obama Tapped a New Endorsement, or Vice-Versa?

If you’re running for president and are designing your campaign buttons state-by-state, always give the button manufacturer the first and last name of the local person you want on the button with you — otherwise you could end up with a picture of the wrong Larry:

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Here’s what went wrong.

In related news, Barack Obama now leads John McCain by 40 points among men accused of cruising airport men’s rooms — the much oft-courted “stall dad” voting bloc.

Trailer from the Vaudevillian ‘W’

The trailer for Oliver Stone’s upcoming movie “W” is now available. I couldn’t stop laughing. Maybe that’s the emotion Stone was going for. Overall, I don’t think it’s going to work.

The left (of which Stone is a charter member) thinks that George W. Bush is a joke, and the movie is written from this starting point, with a subsequent agenda of mockery. In essence, Oliver Stone is trying to create a parody of a parody. For a liberal director, it’s like trying to make a film about the Monty Python troupe that’s sillier than the work that was produced by the Monty Python troupe.

Appropriately enough, the Internet Movie Database lists this movie as a “Comedy/Drama.”

I doubt that Republicans will pay $7.50 to see this thing (I understand Stone didn’t even include a scene featuring Cheney peppering his buddy with birdshot, which might have at least brought in the gun nuts and/or people who hate Texas attorneys), and I’m skeptical at best that Democrats will pay any money at all to be reminded of somebody they can’t stand, even if he’s being picked on.

It’s only a short clip, but the “Animal House meets All the President’s Men meets Dr. Strangelove meets Macbeth” approach comes off as ambitiously desperate. The tightrope Stone is trying to walk is too thin (which is an even more difficult task if he’s toasted on Buddha Haze).

All these factors point to the movie being the MOAB like almost every other politically motivated movie the left has made in the past few years. The good news is that, judging from this clip, they are not learning from their mistakes: