Full Wussification of Baseball Nearly Complete

Putting the “Safe” in “Safeco”:

The Seattle Mariners are declaring two sections of Safeco Field no-peanut zones for a couple of games this summer.

The AL club announced the move Wednesday to make the ballpark safer for children and grown-up fans with peanut allergies.

No peanuts — even shell fragments — at all in certain areas of a baseball park? “Square peg, meet round hole.”

Also, Tuesdays this summer are lactose intolerant nights at Safeco — and Thursdays are dust allergy nights. No player is allowed to slide into any base or kick up any dirt whatsoever anywhere near the first base line.

And remember, if anyone even mentions Mamie “Peanut” Johnson on any of these nights, you’ll be subject to removal from the ballpark and a $500 fine — unless you’re allergic to fines, in which case you’ll be made to sit in the “no beer” section with the barley intolerant.