The date: January 20, 2009
The event: Presidential inaugural address

nullMy fellow Americans. I stand before you not only as your new president, but also as the deliverer… of a dire warning.

There is an enemy among us. This enemy does not understand freedom. It does not care about compassion or love. It does not have feelings or mercy. This enemy wants to take from us our way of life and to destroy the planet.

Knowing this enemy exists may give you a sinking feeling. It’s an enemy so dangerous that if you listen hard enough, you can hear its angry hissing. This enemy could be anywhere—even hiding in your trunk.

But there’s good news: We can combat this enemy that is the single greatest threat to our way of life since the Japanese empire dropped the bomb on Pearl Harbor.

The enemy in question is… improperly inflated tires. Tires without the proper amount of air in them are responsible for massive fossil fuel consumption, which in turn leads to global warming, and, ultimately, our demise.

In 1911, Philip Strauss invented the first “successful” pneumatic, or air-filled, tire—but not after Charles Goodyear, John Dunlop and Andre Michelin tried and failed before him. The world should have recognized the warning signs then, but, like the precursors to so many global tragedies, good people turned a blind eye.

We must be fully prepared to put our other concerns on the back burner in order to defeat this “hub of evil”—I speak of course of Goodyear, Firestone, BF Goodrich and Michelin. I call for full regulation of the tire industry to ensure that these companies create “green tires”—tires that, once inflated to the proper level, do not leak air over time — and most importantly, tires that aren’t made from oil so this whole debate isn’t so incredibly ironic.

In the interim, I’m ordering the release of our strategic pressure gauge reserves to help Americans avoid the domestic drilling that will be required if we do not keep our tires at the manufacturer recommended psi. I’m also asking Congress to pass a reduction in the rate of increase of taxes on any business that allows the public free access to their air compressors.

As future Supreme Court Chief Justice Bill Clinton and Environment Chancellor Al Gore have pointed out in the past, it’s a well-known fact that man-made global warming is a greater threat to humanity than traditional terrorism. This means not only have we reached that horrific day when terrorists can wreak more havoc by leaving an SUV running than by blowing it up, but thanks to the Republicans zeal for drilling, al Qaeda now knows they can destroy lives and the environment simply by driving to their next attack with tires inflated to a sub-par 20 psi.

But folks are not necessarily guilty of a crime in the area of under-inflated tires. Low tire pressure can be a byproduct of ignorance. My white grandmother kept her tires under-inflated for most of her adult life. It was the culture of her upbringing. She didn’t know it was wrong, she just didn’t know any better. But we do!

I’d like to take a moment to speak to those nations where improperly inflated tires is part of the culture. This is often due to adherence to teachings that prohibit or prevent the use of electrical hardware such as air compressors. We respect your faith. You are not the enemy. We seek to stop only those who seek to destroy the environment and ergo humanity by perverting oil consumption in the name of low tire pressure.

My fellow Americans, I’m asked the same question every day: Why do improperly inflated tires hate us? I don’t yet know the answer to that question, but I do know that drilling in ANWR and off the shores of California, Florida and many other places won’t make improperly inflated tires stop wreaking their havoc. To the contrary, this will perpetuate the horror.

I remind everyone that this battle against improperly inflated tires will be a long, drawn out process. We may never see a day when full victory is declared. History has taught us—the allies rolling through Paris following perceived victory in World War II is a good example—that if the vehicles in the victory parade have improperly inflated tires, we haven’t yet won, for that only means that there is a new enemy… and it is us.

Thank you, and may the preferred deity of your choosing bless you, bless the properly inflated global community, and watch over the tire pressure of the United States of America so the Republicans will stop talking about drilling.

The world needs to remember, we’re Americans. Don’t tread on us… unless your tires are properly inflated. Thank you!

Greatest threats to our way of life:

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