Nuclear Holocaust and You

Here’s an upcoming event that a lot of people don’t hear about:

On Jan. 20, an unobtrusive military officer carrying a small leather-bound metal briefcase will follow President George W. Bush up to Capitol Hill. After the inauguration ceremony, he will accompany President Barack Obama back to the White House.

Inside the attache, known as “the football,” are the codes to identify and authenticate a presidential order that could launch nuclear weapons and ignite a global holocaust.

So, just in case Obama fumbles the football, here’s an interesting tool: Ground Zero. Just enter your city and hit “search.” Then at the lower left, choose a weapon and see if your house would be in a primary or secondary fallout area.

Sure, it’s a depressing game to play, but when you’re finished, just drop an Mk-28 on Berkeley and you’ll discover that there can be an upside to nuclear holocaust.

Afghanistan Holding Free Erections

The CIA is handing out free Viagra to Afghan chieftains, tribal leaders and warlords, but is “Operation Morningwood” working? Yes, according to the CIA:

“Take one of these. You’ll love it,” the officer said. Compliments of Uncle Sam.

The enticement worked. The officer, who described the encounter, returned four days later to an enthusiastic reception. The grinning chief offered up a bonanza of information about Taliban movements and supply routes — followed by a request for more pills.

As Sun Tzu’s lesser-known brother, Chuck Tzu, taught us: “All warfare is based on erection.”

But there are downsides to all this pharmacologically-induced Chupan-tenting. I heard an unconfirmed report of a Gardez sheep herder who was trampled to death by his own fleeing stock.

Hopefully this CIA operation works, because if it doesn’t, all we’ve done is to create a bunch of enemies who can act as their own self-contained mortar tripods.

Merry Christmas!

A very Merry Christmas to everybody!

Hopefully you didn’t see this outside your window this morning.

We’ll be back up to speed here after digging out from under all the spent wrapping paper and ribbons, but until then enjoy the long weekend and prepare for 2009! It’s gonna be an interesting year.

Abe & Mary Todd Obama

Given Obama and his followers insistence upon Abraham Lincoln comparisons, which led to the announcement that Obama will use Abe’s bible for the swearing in, I’m half expecting Barack to show up to his inauguration sporting a beard, stove pipe hat, walking arm-in-arm with his wife, Mary Todd Obama, and delivering “The Leftysburg Address.”

null

“Four community organizers and seven friends thrown under the bus ago, George Soros brought forth to these 58 states, a socialist nation, conceived in secret, and dedicated to the proposition that all the wealth should be spread around and nobody should be punished with a baby.”

Branch Gorevidians Explain Harsh Winter

This time of year, especially under the conditions much of the country is experiencing, we see people who are digging out from under tons of snow who are mocking “global warming.” This ticks off global warming bureaucrats for two reasons: 1) They need to quickly develop alternative excuses (which they have), and 2) Your heavy winter clothing makes it more difficult for them to reach your wallet.

But a good global warmist wouldn’t win an episode of Eco-Fear Factor unless he or she could explain how global warming can indeed bury us in snow (because, as you know, it never snowed before global warming started a few years ago).

Here’s the basis for the “blizzards caused by global warming” argument: NASA reported that 1.5 trillion and 2 trillion tons of ice in Greenland, Antarctica and Alaska have melted at an accelerated rate since 2003. One blogger at the Daily Kos (“it is wise to study the ways of ones adversary”) echoed other global warmists and explained our harsh winter:

When ice melts, the surrounding air or water cools down, basic thermodynamics. It would be ironic if that cooler air and water from excess northern melt were to work their way south a little farther and a little earlier in the season than they otherwise would have, and maybe even help fuel an occasional localized snow or ice storm, which right-wing climate change skeptics, especially those bearing a borderline pathological obsession with Al Gore, would then seize on as evidence that global warming is … well not sure exactly.

Thermodynamics? Okay, good. Physics can explain all this. But what it can’t explain is that thermodynamics doesn’t know if it’s summer or winter.

If the melting ice is making the surrounding air cooler and making temperatures drop more in wintertime (in locations very far away), how come the same melting ice isn’t making those same locations cooler in the summertime? Is the ice not melting in the summertime? Yes it is, according to satellite data. And if all that ice melt is cooling the surrounding air, shouldn’t that lowered air temperature slow the melt instead of speed it up?

When the eco-left is using occasionally stifling summer heat (which, again, never happened until global warming started a few years ago) as evidence of global warming, where is this magical and far-reaching thermodynamic cooling? That must be the time of year that thermodynamics is on summer break. Al Gore, unfortunately, is never on break.

Note: This piece is cross-posted over at the American Thinker. Click here to read the comments at the A.T.

Response to Chrysler’s ‘Thank You’ Message

Yesterday, the Chrysler CEO took out a full page ad in the Wall Street Journal (it would have only been a quarter page, but it’s your money, so screw it) thanking Americans for “investing” in Chrysler. The ad cost over $100,000, but when it comes to thanking taxpayers for their forced generosity, no expense is unjustified.

Here’s the ad:

null

I was so touched by this heartfelt gratitude that I decided to make a “you’re welcome” ad that I’ll try to place in an upcoming issue of the Wall Street Journal just as soon as I get my bailout check.

Here’s the ad I plan to run in honor of Chrysler’s touching tribute:

null

The Unbearable Lightness of Hope

Is Biden softening us up for that horrific day that’s coming soon when we realize our gas won’t be free, radical Islamists still hate us and our mortgage payment is still be due?

Say it ain’t so, Joe:

Vice President-elect Joe Biden is worried about the “exceedingly high expectations” the world community has for Barack Obama’s presidency.

Wow, it’s getting so a politician can’t even promise to deliver world peace, free health care, great paying jobs for little work and cute little cartoon bluebirds that poop government checks while whistling “Shiny happy people” anymore without everybody ending up expecting it to actually happen.

After the campaign Obama ran, anybody connected to his administration speaking of “overwhelming expectations” is like hearing Pamela Anderson complaining because her date tonight is expecting a blow job.

I wonder why people would expect so much, Joe?