The increasingly quirky Pat Robertson has come out with his annual list of predictions for the upcoming year. Actually, they’re not predictions — they’re things that God told him would happen, like this:
“The Lord said the dollar is going to go down dramatically,” Robertson said in the interview. “If I’m hearing him right, gold will go to about $1900 dollars an ounce and oil to $300 a barrel.”
God has lied to the Reverend Robertson before, and hopefully He’s pulling Pat’s chain with the oil prices as well.
So, what are GodÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s conversations with Pat Robertson like? Probably something like this:
God: Psst, hey, Pat. ::tap tap::
Pat: Senator Craig?
God: No, it’s me, God.
Pat: What are you doing in the men’s room?
God: I couldn’t use that Larry Craig joke anywhere else.
Pat: Not funny. At any rate, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m glad youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re here. WeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re taping our Ã¢â‚¬Å“beginning of the yearÃ¢â‚¬Â program in a while where I make my predictions. Do you have some stuff to tell me about 2009?
God: Can we at least get out of the john first?
Pat: Oh, sure. Just a sec. ::flush:: Let’s go out into the hallway. Okay, now, about those predictions for 2009…
Pat: YouÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re very welcome. Say Ã¢â‚¬ËœhiÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ to Mahatma for me.
God: Who? Oh, no Ã¢â‚¬â€ IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m talking about Frank Ghandi, St. PeterÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s valet.
Pat: Oh. Anyway, about those predictions Ã¢â‚¬â€ we tape in an hour, so if you could just give me what you have, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll broadcast it when weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re on the air.
God: I see that Hugo Chavez is still around. What gives?
Pat: Well, nobody listened to me, but theyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll regret it! Hey, what happened to the tsunami you told me was going to hit the U.S. last year? My viewers bought SCUBA gear and are now sending me the bill because they didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t need it.
God: I just didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have the strength, but maybe now that IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m eating your protein pancakesÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
Pat: Very funny.
God: Actually, at the time, I was busy giving Ariel Sharon a stroke as retribution for IsraelÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s withdrawl from the Gaza Strip.
Pat: I knew it! They called me crazy, but whoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s nuts now?
God: For the love of me, IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m kidding. Relax, will ya?
Pat: If you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t mind, can we stick to talking about 2009? I’ve gotta run.
God: Sure. HereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s what IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve got scheduled so far: Oprah will finally explode, California’s Supreme Court will outlaw opposite-sex marriage, a major bio-terrorism plot will be thwarted after the FBI uncovers a secret plan by Islamic extremists to throw Michael Moore into New York City’s public water supply, and youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll be committed and roosting in the cuckooÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s nest by the end of the year.
Pat: China will attack the U.S. with nuclear weapons, you say?
God: Cut it out, thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not what I said.
Pat: Oil prices over $500 a barrel, you say?
God: Stop it! That’s n…
Pat: La la la la laÃ¢â‚¬Â¦I canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t hear youÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ la la la laÃ¢â‚¬Â¦
God: How annoying. I’m outta here.
Okay, hereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s my prediction: Every time after God Ã¢â‚¬Å“speaksÃ¢â‚¬Â to Pat, somewhere in the CBN building is a janitor with a deep booming voice and access to the PA system who is laughing like crazy.