It’s said that the Revolutionary War ended as an American victory over 225 years ago, but after doing some work around the house in the past few days, it’s come to my attention that the war has not yet concluded.

The U.S. still hasn’t achieved full victory and independence, mainly for one simple reason. I speak of course about our continued dependence on the British Thermal Unit, or BTU.

Countless colonists fought and died for American freedom from England, and that I still have to dedicate the unit that measures the thermal output of my furnace and air conditioner to the Brits just pisses me off.

I hereby issue a challenge for America: To create our own thermal unit within ten years. Only then will the Revolutionary War truly be won. Full victory will only be ours when we raise our red, white and blue thermostats in the air and proudly exclaim, “From my cold, dead furnace!”

There. I didn’t want to go through the entire weekend not having gotten that off my chest.

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