Almost as soon as Barack Obama takes office, he plans to close Gitmo. Many Democrats in Congress agree.

Why? Because the “detainees” there are denied the same constitutional rights guaranteed to citizens.

Isn’t it ironic that someone can be a “progressive” who voices frequent opposition to the spread of U.S. imperialism in one breath, and in the other calls for forcing U.S. constitutional dogma upon select non-citizens outside the U.S.? Knock it off, liberal imperialists!

But aside from that, the obvious question that arises when discussing closing Gitmo is this: What do we do with the 250 al-Qaida and Taliban suspects who are being held there?

We certainly can’t send them back from where they came. The U.N.’s “Committee Against Torture” (a contradiction in terms if there ever was one) said detainees should not be returned to any country where they could face a “real risk” of being tortured. Hey, I thought they were already being tortured at Gitmo — what gives, U.N.?

We should do what Obama says — close Gitmo. Where should the detainees be sent? I have a plan. We should house them in the Democrat’s Senate Cloak Room, with any extra kept in the Lincoln Bedroom in the White House, until this is all sorted out.

Once in the Democrat’s Senate Cloak Room and safe from Gitmo tyranny, these quite possibly innocent men will be able to take full advantage of all the rights that U.S. citizens possess, such as the possibility of living off taxpayer money, taxpayer-funded health care, volunteering to work at bake sales at our local schools, the ability to sue big tobacco, possible bailout money, and, most importantly, very ready access to their new foster Senators.

Liberal politicians have long complained that many of them have been denied to opportunity to question detainees themselves. Well now’s their chance!

Move Gitmo detainees to Washington, DC now! If you think about it, this is a solution that may well solve two problems at the same time.

And if any Democrats disagree with this humanitarian plan, send ‘em to Gitmo.

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