Dateline Washington DC: The White House has published an Executive Order which guarantees that suspected enemy combatants will receive lawful and humane interrogations under new Obama administration rules.

With his call to close the U.S. detention camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and to possibly house detainees on mainland United States, President Obama has reversed former President Bush’s policy of “fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them over here,” and instituted “The Obama Doctrine,” which is “Bring them here so we don’t have to send Jimmy Carter over there.”

As a result of the possibility that some terror suspects may be housed in the U.S. due to the closure of Gitmo, the White House has released a new list of “approved” interrogation techniques that has been dispatched to all members of the U.S. intelligence community and the Armed Forces.

“Approved” interrogation techniques for domestically housed terrorist suspects include the following:

–Loudly asking “Please?” up to no more than 85 decibels, no more than three times a day.

–Escorting detainee to the site of any terrorist attack and asking, “Did you have anything to do with this?” (lunch provided)

–”I got’cher nose!” (see photo below for proper technique — never touch the actual nose of a detainee as they might be allergic to whatever you had for lunch that day)

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–”Sleep number boarding”: Detainee is placed on a Sleep Number mattress for the night, but the firmness is set no more than three notches above or below their optimal sleep number until the detainee gives up the required information.

–A day at Disney World with Joe Biden.

–Under extreme cases, and with administration approval, holding a dandelion and front of a detainee and saying “Momma had a baby and its head popped off” may be used to obtain information, provided the flower is not damaged and the head of the dandelion is not flicked off (per agreement with several environmental groups).

In addition, there are new measures detainees can take to report abuses. “Detainees will be given the passwords to President Obama’s Blackberry so they can have access to the president to report any violations,” said Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

“And if we find out a detainee has been tortured, President Obama has assured the United Nations that an American will be tortured in kind — just like how the president nuked New York at the end of ‘Fail Safe’ to prove to the Russians that our nuking of Moscow was an accident.”

Any detainees “cleared” of false charges will be offered public works jobs as spelled out in the “belt bombs to tool belts” program to be funded by President Obama’s stimulus plan.

“We feel these measures will help keep the United States a safer and happier country for terror suspects to be in,” said Gibbs with a satisfied smile.

The Obama administration is also hoping that lifting the Bush administration ban on funding overseas abortions will help combat terrorism. “Presumably, at least a few of the aborted babies over there would have grown up to be terrorists, so it’s a win-win,” added Gibbs.

Among the interrogation techniques that have been banned include the highly controversial “Dutch oven,” 24-hours straight of watching Oprah, “Aretha’s gonna sit on you” threats, showing photos of Helen Thomas at Mardi Gras, and the inhumane “night in Barney Frank’s apartment.”

Update: A commenter at Free Republic reminded everybody of Monty Python’s “Spanish Inquisition” sketch — but I think “The Comfy Chair” is a little too harsh for the Obama administration.

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