Monthly Archives: January 2009

Dr. Phil Audience Loves Ann Coulter, Will Be Accused of Being Racist Homophobes Later

Here’s something you don’t see every day — a television talk show studio audience that was not intentionally pre-stocked with Bush haters.

Ann Coulter, Alan Colmes and Scott McClellan were on Dr. Phil a day after the inauguration, and the audience reaction was not something I was prepared for — and neither were Colmes and McClellan.

What also strikes me as hilarious is that Dr. Phil seems to be more of a “fair and unbiased journalist” than most “fair and unbiased journalists” who are still stuck in the midst of a full-bore Obamagasm claim to be:

Rod Blagojevich Compares FBI and Other Foes to Imperial Japan, Jesse James

This explains why the FBI code words to move in on soon to be ex Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich were “Tora! Tora! Tora!”:

Illinois’ embattled but defiant governor turned to the history books to describe the emotional strain on him and his family, comparing his arrest last month to Japan’s attack on Pearl Harbor.

“Dec. 9 to my family, to us, to me, is what Pearl Harbor Day was to the United States,” Gov. Rod Blagojevich told The Associated Press in an interview Thursday. “It was a complete surprise, completely unexpected. And just like the United States prevailed in that, we’ll prevail in this.”

Then, quickly switching gears in this surreal circus, Blagojevich compared himself to an honest cowboy being chased by black-hatted outlaws.

The James-Younger gang was unavailable for comment, as they were busy meeting with Tojo concerning their next move against the pristine Blagojevich, who of course makes The Untouchables look like Bonnie & Clyde — just ask him.

Just another day in Illinois politics.

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“I fear that all we have done is to awaken a sleeping politician and fill him with a terrible resolve to recite Alfred Lord Tennyson poems.” — FBI Director Yamamoto

White House Releases List of ‘Approved’ Interrogation Techniques

Dateline Washington DC: The White House has published an Executive Order which guarantees that suspected enemy combatants will receive lawful and humane interrogations under new Obama administration rules.

With his call to close the U.S. detention camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and to possibly house detainees on mainland United States, President Obama has reversed former President Bush’s policy of “fight them over there so we don’t have to fight them over here,” and instituted “The Obama Doctrine,” which is “Bring them here so we don’t have to send Jimmy Carter over there.”

As a result of the possibility that some terror suspects may be housed in the U.S. due to the closure of Gitmo, the White House has released a new list of “approved” interrogation techniques that has been dispatched to all members of the U.S. intelligence community and the Armed Forces.

“Approved” interrogation techniques for domestically housed terrorist suspects include the following:

–Loudly asking “Please?” up to no more than 85 decibels, no more than three times a day.

–Escorting detainee to the site of any terrorist attack and asking, “Did you have anything to do with this?” (lunch provided)

–“I got’cher nose!” (see photo below for proper technique — never touch the actual nose of a detainee as they might be allergic to whatever you had for lunch that day)

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–“Sleep number boarding”: Detainee is placed on a Sleep Number mattress for the night, but the firmness is set no more than three notches above or below their optimal sleep number until the detainee gives up the required information.

–A day at Disney World with Joe Biden.

–Under extreme cases, and with administration approval, holding a dandelion and front of a detainee and saying “Momma had a baby and its head popped off” may be used to obtain information, provided the flower is not damaged and the head of the dandelion is not flicked off (per agreement with several environmental groups).

In addition, there are new measures detainees can take to report abuses. “Detainees will be given the passwords to President Obama’s Blackberry so they can have access to the president to report any violations,” said Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs.

“And if we find out a detainee has been tortured, President Obama has assured the United Nations that an American will be tortured in kind — just like how the president nuked New York at the end of ‘Fail Safe’ to prove to the Russians that our nuking of Moscow was an accident.”

Any detainees “cleared” of false charges will be offered public works jobs as spelled out in the “belt bombs to tool belts” program to be funded by President Obama’s stimulus plan.

“We feel these measures will help keep the United States a safer and happier country for terror suspects to be in,” said Gibbs with a satisfied smile.

The Obama administration is also hoping that lifting the Bush administration ban on funding overseas abortions will help combat terrorism. “Presumably, at least a few of the aborted babies over there would have grown up to be terrorists, so it’s a win-win,” added Gibbs.

Among the interrogation techniques that have been banned include the highly controversial “Dutch oven,” 24-hours straight of watching Oprah, “Aretha’s gonna sit on you” threats, showing photos of Helen Thomas at Mardi Gras, and the inhumane “night in Barney Frank’s apartment.”

Update: A commenter at Free Republic reminded everybody of Monty Python’s “Spanish Inquisition” sketch — but I think “The Comfy Chair” is a little too harsh for the Obama administration.

Diane Sawyer isn’t Drunk, She’s Obamatoxicated!

People are asking, “Was Diane Sawyer drunk during the long coverage of the inauguration and subsequent events?”

I don’t think so. I think she was just “Obamatoxicated” like the rest of the media, but we’ll never know. Only a “Hope-alyzer” test could tell for sure.

You be the judge:

Update: Here’s a law professor who’s so Obamatoxicated that he can’t see the obvious through his ‘change’-goggles: In reality, news media not ‘fawning’ over Obama

Hey, who are you gonna believe, a law professor, or your lying eyes?

That means I never saw this and this and this then. My apologies.

Fmr. French President Chirac Surrenders Unconditionally to Poodle

This week, Jacque Chirac completes the “You know you’re a Frenchmen when…” sentence with, “…you’re mauled by a poodle”:

Former French president Jacques Chirac was rushed to hospital after being mauled by his own ‘clinically depressed’ pet dog.

The 76-year-old statesman was savaged by his white Maltese dog – which suffers from frenzied fits and is being treated with anti-depressants.

A man named Francois le Zapruder was videotaping Chirac and captured this gripping photo just moments before the vicious attack:

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The court hearing to determine exactly what happened that fateful day is ongoing:

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“Bark, and to the left. Bark, and to the left…”

McCain Calls for Quick Confirmation of Hillary, Asks Dems if They Need Any Ironing Done

Today, John McCain, in his usual “roll over so the Democrats will scratch my belly” way, called on the Senate to quickly confirm Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State without wasting time on a roll call vote: Video here.

Just when I start to worry about the fact that Democrats now control the House, Senate, and the White House, I have to remind myself that electing John McCain would have brought about the exact same thing.

‘Did Barack and Michelle Do It?’ and Other Hard-Hitting Questions

The notorious celebutard stalkers at TMZ.com are asking the hard-hitting questions that even the mainstream media has refused to dare ask aloud:

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No, actually I didn’t think of it, but if I did, the answer would be “no,” because I think just about every Democrat in DC is saving themselves so they’ll have the energy to relentlessly bang the rest of us for at least the next four years.

Frankly, given the mis-steps in the swearing-in ceremony, I’m not so sure the oath of office was consummated either — and neither are some Constitution experts.

The other burning question is “What kind of dog will the Obamas get?” And, of course, after the Obamas do get a dog, TMZ’s logical follow-up question will be, “Did the dog consummate Barack’s leg last night?”