Sign That The Revolutionary War Isn’t Over

It’s said that the Revolutionary War ended as an American victory over 225 years ago, but after doing some work around the house in the past few days, it’s come to my attention that the war has not yet concluded.

The U.S. still hasn’t achieved full victory and independence, mainly for one simple reason. I speak of course about our continued dependence on the British Thermal Unit, or BTU.

Countless colonists fought and died for American freedom from England, and that I still have to dedicate the unit that measures the thermal output of my furnace and air conditioner to the Brits just pisses me off.

I hereby issue a challenge for America: To create our own thermal unit within ten years. Only then will the Revolutionary War truly be won. Full victory will only be ours when we raise our red, white and blue thermostats in the air and proudly exclaim, “From my cold, dead furnace!”

There. I didn’t want to go through the entire weekend not having gotten that off my chest.

PETA Loses What Was Left of Their Minds

PETA’s latest campaign is to get the name of “fish” changed to “sea kittens.”

No, seriously.

I don’t like it — and forget that I’m a dog person and not a cat person. This would just screw up a whole lot of sayings. For example, we’d be saying “something sea-kitteny is going on here.” The mob won’t like it either, because “sleeps with the sea-kittens” just isn’t as intimidating.

PETA sure isn’t very good at marketing. If they wanted to get a whole lot more people on board while staying the kitten theme, something like “water pussy” would have been a much better choice.

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“I think he did a little too much LDS…”

‘Too Horny to Fail’: A Bailout for the Porn Industry?

Note: This piece also appears as a column at The American Thinker and can be read here.

Ever wonder what it might be like if the government ran the porn industry? We may soon find out.

Sleezeballs, smut peddlers, hustlers and those who make a living by profiting from the scummy underbelly of society — I’m of course referring to Congress — will soon have the porn industry requesting a bailout:

Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis and “Hustler” magazine publisher Larry Flynt have said they will petition Congress for financial aid along the lines of what the Big Three auto makers are getting.

Francis said that he and Flynt are asking for $5 billion, and that they have sent letters to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Congress and their local Congressman, Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) with the proposal. Rep. Waxman’s office did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

With the $5 billion, they would “invest in building new means of distribution, and shoring up our distribution right now to prevent further erosion from factors like Youporn and other Internet content that has seriously affected our business over the past few years,” Francis said in an interview with FOX Business. “We will use the money wisely, and we will create more jobs.”

By the way, this is a business in which “Too big to fail” isn’t just a catch phrase — it’s the title of one of the movies that will be produced with the bailout money. The only mistake Flynt and Francis are making is that the bailout money would be in their hands quicker if they’d promise to use the cash to invest in hybrid sex toys for use in all films — because any good member of Congress likes to know his filth is “green.”

Actually, I heard from a well-placed source of mine… in the porn industry… that Congress has told Francis and Flynt that they’ll get their money, but only if the government can run their businesses for them, just like is happening with the auto industry.

At least we’ve finally found something practical Congress is actually qualified to do. Who better to oversee the porn industry than some of the world’s biggest dicks?

If the government ever does take over the porn industry, what would happen? Not only will the production of a $10,000 video come in $535 million over budget only before realizing during the movie’s premiere that the camera operator forgot to remove the lense cap, but we can also look forward to movies with great titles like these:

Dirk Diggler lectures teen sluts about the dangers of second-hand smoke

Takin’ it in the Earmark

Senate Intelligence Committee Girls Gone Wild!

Larry Craig in ‘Stalled Negotiations’

DILFs on RILFs!

Orgy in the Pub(l)ic Trough

The Secret in Barney Frank’s Apartment

Phil, A-Buster

Tammy Taxpayer Gets Uncle Sam’s Stimulus Package

The Ponzi Ream

The Minority Whip

And of course the most appropriately titled government porn ever: Big, Incompetent F@%#s!

How do you feel about the government running the porn industry, Senator Reid?

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That’s what I thought!

Michigan is Number 1 for Being Number 2

Note: The following post can also be read at The American Thinker by clicking here.

It’s about time my state got some recognition! Once again, we’re number one… on the list of states that people are fleeing:

Michigan saw the nation’s most outbound migration in 2008, with 67.1 percent of interstate moves heading out, according to a migration study released Wednesday.

It marked the third straight year that Michigan, hard hit by the economy and layoffs in the auto industry, has seen the highest percentage of outbound migration.

United Van Lines has been tracking this data since 1977, and it would appear that before too long, Michigan’s largest employer will be United Van Lines — so it’s not all bad news.

Is it any wonder that Michigan Governor Granholm, who is one of the architects of an economy so bad that Detroit’s honorary economic sister-city of Bangladesh recently disowned them, is on Obama’s Economic Advisory Board?

Granholm is also reportedly under consideration for a position as Commerce Secretary (that makes the most sense until they create a “Secretary of What Not to Do”).

In a political atmosphere where where the problem of government over-spending is being “solved” by increasing government spending, nothing is surprising anymore. On the plus side, if Granholm has Obama’s ear for the next few years, Michigan won’t be number one in outbound move rate, but instead tied with 49 other states who will be equally as lousy.

Once the genius behind Michigan’s economy is taken national, there will be nowhere more desirable to flee to, so nobody will move. At that point, United Van Lines will request and receive a huge bailout.

‘Awesome Speech, Your Holiness’ and Other Great Bushisms

Today I’m taking a sort of “mental health” day, so posting will be lighter than usual. We’re going to see Valkyrie in a little while (I can’t wait to see how Tom Cruise sells being German) and then have a few chores I’ve been blowing off for too long.

This morning I ran across a list of great “Bushisms” from the past eight years. Here they are.

And here are a few of my favorites in video form:

The Crystallization of a Bad Global Economy

It’s a good thing this didn’t happen in the U.S., or else our Congress would have bailed them out with our money on the grounds that the company is “too elegant to fail”:

Waterford Wedgwood, the maker of classic china and crystal, filed for bankruptcy protection Monday after attempts to restructure the struggling business or find a buyer failed.

I knew something was wrong, because last night I was having some wine, and when I ran my finger around the top of the Waterford glass, it played TAPS.

::rim shot::

Thank you. Have a safe drive home and be sure to tip your wait staff.

Transcript of All Living Presidents’ Visit to the White House

Today is the first time all living presidents have gathered at the White House since 1981. Here’s a small portion of how it went:

[begin transcript]

W. Bush: Welcome back to the White House fellas.

Bush 41: Thanks, son. I know you’re busy in these last few days so thanks for having us.

Clinton: I’m the one who arranged all this!

Bush 41: My son arranged this!

Carter: Have a seat guys… we can work this out. Let’s just say that Bill organized half, and W. organized half…

Bush 41: Because they didn’t each organize half!

W. Bush: Yeah, stop being so negotiatory, Jimmy. Save it for Hamas.

Carter: Hamas has a legitimate grievance that needs addressing!

Clinton: Uh, I’m gonna go check out the Oval Office, guys.

Bush 41: Memory lane, Bill?

Clinton: Does that hot little blonde number still deliver for Hungry Howies? What was her name…? Rachel! That’s it!

W. Bush: Uh, I’m not sure Bill.

Bush 41 (whispering as Bill leaves room): I heard you inherited a God-awful mess from Clinton, son.

W. Bush: You ain’t jokin’, dad — Laura had to have everything up to and including the curtains and window sills steam cleaned and sterilized. Jenna even found a dog-eared copy of Jugs in the John-John compartment of the desk, along with a half-chewed up cigar that smelled like…

Bush 41 (interrupting): I was talking about the economy and terrorism, son.

W. Bush: Oh… heh heh… I knew that, dad. Just joshin’ ya.

Carter: Speaking of Josh… did you see that Brolin guy in the movie about you, “W”?

W. Bush: No, Jimmy… did you see that half the houses you and those actors built last year are falling down?

Carter: Touche’.

Clinton (running quickly back into room): Did somebody say tush?

Bush 41: Welcome back, Bill.

Obama (barging in): Hey guys! Nice to see you all here. Would you mind taking this into another room… I’ve got some movers are hauling in Rahm Emanuel’s ego today and we’ll need this space.

W. Bush: Sure, we can give you some space… have fun.

Biden (barging in): Anybody got a hanky? F*#@*#g Indian at the donut shop made the coffee too hot again and it hit my mouth and I spewed it all over the carpet.

W. Bush: That ain’t the first time that’s been said in here (motions toward Clinton).

Laura (sticking head into the room): Bushie! Don’t talk like that!

W. Bush: Sorry! Heh heh…

Carter: I think I have a hanky… yeah, here it is. Just be careful not to ruin the Yassir Arafat’s autograph. I think he used a waterproof Sharpie, but I’m not sure.

Biden: Thanks, Jimmy. Hey, I saw your brother Billy last weekend.

Carter: He died 20 years ago, Joe.

Biden: God love him…

Bush 41: Look fellas, I’ve gotta run. I’ve got a skydive at 6.

W. Bush: Thanks for stopping by, dad.

Carter: I’ve got to get going too. I’m due at the U.N. to speak before a committee to be appointed by a panel of roundtable experts from an as-yet-to-be-announced coalition from a bureau of task forces on a topic that’s yet to be decided upon.

W. Bush: Hey, where’s Bill?

Carter: I saw him heading toward the South Portico. Isn’t one of your daughters out there?

W. Bush: Oh my God!

[end transcript]