Roland Burris Update: Showdown at the O.K.K.K. Corral

Dateline Washington: Roland Burris, the new Congressman-Elect-By-Appointment-By-ASuspected-Crook, was not allowed to take part in the swearing in of the 111th Congress this morning.

Burris was told that “his credentials were not in order,” to which Burris remarked is a difficult thing to hear when it comes from a group people who are in charge of the entire budget of the United States but who aren’t qualified to organize a PTA bake sale. “It’s a little like being told you’re not thin enough to hang out with Aretha Franklin,” Burris added.

When Burris entered the US Capitol Building, the Secretary of the Senate, Orval Faubus III, led him to a heavily guarded room upstairs where Democrats raise semi-free-range coloreds. Should Burris wander from the semi-free-range, Capitol Police are under orders from Democrat Congressional leadership to turn the fire hose on him under the guise of making him “bright and clean” for presentation to Joe Biden.

As the standoff doesn’t appear nearing an end, Burris may have to spend the night at the Capitol. But in an unprecedented gesture, Sen. Robert Byrd has agreed to let the possible future Senator sleep on his favorite Kleagle sheets until this is all sorted out. Byrd will also honor Burris with his very own drinking fountain and shoeshine station.

This reporter has also learned that The Little Rock Nine have called Burris to express their solidarity, and also that Sen. Barbara Boxer thought that The Little Rock Nine were a singing group from the 1950’s.

Chicago Congressman Bobby Rush later told Fox News that if Roland Burris was white, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid would have seated him. Reid denied the charge, saying that his refusal to seat Burris had nothing to do with his color and everything to do with the fact that Burris didn’t offer him any free boxing tickets or a sweetheart land deal. “My Senate is blind to color,” said Reid. “Believe me, we’re as in the dark as we can possibly be.”

More on this story as it develops.

In other news, Republicans were accused of being racists again today.

England Refuses to Get in Too Deep Without a Lifeguard

It’s time for a Nanny State update from the other side of the pond:

A council has been told that the 18-inch deep pools should be subject to the same level of safety as beaches and public swimming pools.

The pools have been supervised by park attendants with life-saving training, but now officials say the paddling pools should be patrolled by trained lifeguards.

Here’s a training video the Brits are showing their kiddie-pool lifeguards:

In Semi-Defense of Scientology

Note: The following is also posted at The American Thinker.

After perusing the ‘net and reading some of the completely uninformed and agenda-driven “guesses” as to what caused the death of the son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston (and, very often, accusations that the death was a direct result of the family’s practice of Scientology), I can do nothing but pity the accusers.

Nobody knows what happened or why it happened, so let’s stop pretending that their “religion” or “cult” or whatever you want to call it had something to do with Jett Travolta’s death just because people might think Scientology is an oddball, quacky cult that’s followed by whiffle-brained celebrity dingbats.

But first, here’s a bit of full disclosure: my wife and I know a couple who follow Scientology and they’re normal, conservative politically, not celebrities, and aren’t dingbats. One of them is even much brighter than me, but for the sake of maintaining the integrity of our next cocktail party, I decline to say which. We disagree on the subject of certain immunizations, but, for the sake of sticking to the subject of the criticism of Travolta and Preston, I won’t go into that right now.

True, Scientologists have an aversion to psychosomatic drugs, but from all indications, Jett Travolta had been receiving medication for his seizure condition. Besides, the rest of the world should have but a fraction of the aversion to these drugs that Scientologists do. Anybody who’s ever been in a school classroom where a good half of the kids are as doped up as Keith Richards circa 1975 can readily understand this. If a happy medium for medicating children exists, it lies somewhere between the Scientologist’s belief of zero medication, and that distant, pill-popping perma-frost stare that the rest of society has come to recognize as “normal” behavior for some kids.

Adding to the criticism is the mystique of Scientology itself. For some reason, Scientology seems to scare a lot of people. This is completely understandable. I mean, I’m a Protestant and there are a lot of Protestants who scare me, so you can only imagine what effect a goofy Scientologist and their “purification rundowns” can have on a Protestant who’s even scared of his own.

I wish as many people in the country got as freaked out about some large religious movements and cults that actually threaten our way of life as they do about Scien-friggin-tologists. There are, what, a few thousand Scientologists? A hundred thousand? Even if they all stage an uprising, I think we can take ’em.

I don’t fear Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley. I just don’t. Maybe they’re laying in wait to take over the world, but I don’t see it. If I’m wrong, my bad — but so far I see no credible threat from Scientology, save perhaps for one (see “immunizations”).

Scientology isn’t my kind of thing, but I’m one of those people who doesn’t want anybody telling me what my kind of thing should be, which no Scientologist has ever done, so I’m just returning the favor. It seems to work out well for both of us.

All I’d like is for everybody to have a little perspective when it comes to which religions and cults to lose sleep over. A Scientologist has never strapped a bomb to him or herself and blown it up in a crowded mall in the name of Scientology. Scientologists have never had their equivalent of the Crusades or the Reconquista, and Scientologists don’t have jihads — at least not that I’m aware of.

If we’re going to worry about a religion or a cult, let’s pick one we should really worry about and leave John Travolta’s family alone. People from non-Scientology families have lost children to rare disorders too — this I know — so, unlike some, I’m not willing to pin the tragic death of somebody’s child on something that could have happened to almost anybody, but for the grace of … uh… L. Ron Hubbard.

Caroline, You Know, Kennedy Wants to Be a, You Know, Senator… You Know…

Today’s challenge is for someone who wants to be a U.S. Senator to say “you know” at least 46 times in a five-minute interview. Caroline Kennedy, are you up for the challenge? I thought so:

A few years back, Caroline’s Uncle Ted said “double Chivas on the rocks” 52 times during a ten-minute interview at Au Bar, so this repetitive skill runs in the family.

God’s Conversation with Pat Robertson

The increasingly quirky Pat Robertson has come out with his annual list of predictions for the upcoming year. Actually, they’re not predictions — they’re things that God told him would happen, like this:

“The Lord said the dollar is going to go down dramatically,” Robertson said in the interview. “If I’m hearing him right, gold will go to about $1900 dollars an ounce and oil to $300 a barrel.”

God has lied to the Reverend Robertson before, and hopefully He’s pulling Pat’s chain with the oil prices as well.

So, what are God’s conversations with Pat Robertson like? Probably something like this:

**********
God: Psst, hey, Pat. ::tap tap::

Pat: Senator Craig?

God: No, it’s me, God.

Pat: What are you doing in the men’s room?

God: I couldn’t use that Larry Craig joke anywhere else.

Pat: Not funny. At any rate, I’m glad you’re here. We’re taping our “beginning of the year” program in a while where I make my predictions. Do you have some stuff to tell me about 2009?

God: Can we at least get out of the john first?

Pat: Oh, sure. Just a sec. ::flush:: Let’s go out into the hallway. Okay, now, about those predictions for 2009…

God: In a minute. But first I really wanted to thank you for your protein shake recipe. Now I’m leg-pressing almost as much as you. Your pancakes are dee-lish also! Ghandi even ate some.

Pat: You’re very welcome. Say ‘hi’ to Mahatma for me.

God: Who? Oh, no — I’m talking about Frank Ghandi, St. Peter’s valet.

Pat: Oh. Anyway, about those predictions — we tape in an hour, so if you could just give me what you have, I’ll broadcast it when we’re on the air.

God: I see that Hugo Chavez is still around. What gives?

Pat: Well, nobody listened to me, but they’ll regret it! Hey, what happened to the tsunami you told me was going to hit the U.S. last year? My viewers bought SCUBA gear and are now sending me the bill because they didn’t need it.

God: I just didn’t have the strength, but maybe now that I’m eating your protein pancakes…

Pat: Very funny.

God: Actually, at the time, I was busy giving Ariel Sharon a stroke as retribution for Israel’s withdrawl from the Gaza Strip.

Pat: I knew it! They called me crazy, but who’s nuts now?

God: For the love of me, I’m kidding. Relax, will ya?

Pat: If you don’t mind, can we stick to talking about 2009? I’ve gotta run.

God: Sure. Here’s what I’ve got scheduled so far: Oprah will finally explode, California’s Supreme Court will outlaw opposite-sex marriage, a major bio-terrorism plot will be thwarted after the FBI uncovers a secret plan by Islamic extremists to throw Michael Moore into New York City’s public water supply, and you’ll be committed and roosting in the cuckoo’s nest by the end of the year.

Pat: China will attack the U.S. with nuclear weapons, you say?

God: Cut it out, that’s not what I said.

Pat: Oil prices over $500 a barrel, you say?

God: Stop it! That’s n…

Pat: La la la la la…I can’t hear you… la la la la…

God: How annoying. I’m outta here.

**********

Okay, here’s my prediction: Every time after God “speaks” to Pat, somewhere in the CBN building is a janitor with a deep booming voice and access to the PA system who is laughing like crazy.

Monday’s Column: Oprah, Hope and Suckers

Today’s column at WorldNetDaily is about how Oprah has been conned on more than one occasion, and why Oprahbots should have taken her Obama endorsement with a grain of salt washed down with a half-gallon of Pepto Bismol.

Give a read to “Oprah’s Hope-a-Dope” for the story on why “hope” isn’t always a good thing, in spite of what they want us to believe.

Help spread the word by giving it a Digg here.

Smarm-Aid: Bon Jovi’s Setlist for Hillary’s Debt Relief Concert

Remember when musicians put on concerts to help people who were actually in need? This is just plain pathetic and shameless, even by Clinton standards:

The final note of Hillary Rodham Clinton’s presidential campaign may very well be sung by Jon Bon Jovi.

The musician is performing at a fundraiser for the former presidential candidate as she tries to close out her campaign debt, which stood at $6.3 million as of last month.

The Jan. 15 performance at Manhattan’s Town Hall is being billed as “a final evening in support of Hillary Clinton for President Debt Relief.” Ticket prices range from $75 to $1,000.

Wow, that’s pretty depressing. I wonder if they’ll have Hillary sitting in a mud pit with flies buzzing around her head while Sally Struthers whimpers into the camera, “It takes a village to bail out wealthy politicians… please help!” Then Sally will introduce Bon Jovi, who has fast become the Bob Hope of liberal political cause celebres. The rich are now raising money for the rich. At what point did liberals become everything they used to claim to loathe?

At any rate, here’s the setlist of songs Bon Jovi has re-written and plans to perform for Hillary and the liberal audience that will be attending:

–Livin’ on a Completely Voluntary Prayer
–Hillarycare (formerly “Bad Medicine”)
–I’ll be there for Hsu
–Blaze of Gloria (Steinem)
–Lincoln Bedroom of Roses
–You Give Love a Bad Name (dedicated to Bill)
–Social Disease (dedicated to Bill)
–Born to Be My Baby***
–Rodham Cowboy!

***Note: “Born to Be My Baby” was dropped from the setlist after it was learned the president of Planned Parenthood would be attending the concert.

‘Get These Mother F-ing Muslims off My Mother F-ing Plane!’: A Business Solution to Please Everyone

nullThe nine muslim passengers who were kicked off an AirTran Airways flight for making certain comments on the plane that concerned other passengers has once again opened the can of worms about what’s appropriate to say on an airplane, and who it’s appropriate to be said by.

Should Muslims’ words receive extra airline scrutiny for just because they happen to belong to the only religion for which “hijacker” is a top-five career option? Should non-Muslims be banished for thinking that every time somebody in a turban says “baby formula,” it’s only because “baby” and “formula” are the words that trigger the blasting cap they’ve hidden in the luggage compartment?

Naturally, groups representing the nine people who were kicked off the plane are considering a lawsuit. But how can we put a stop to these kinds of thing before they even start?

I’ve had a business idea that will eliminate this entire controversy and make the skies much friendlier.

Think about it — no more accusations of religious bias, racism or anything of the kind, because everybody’s comments will be treated exactly the same. That’s because anybody who talks will be kicked off the plane.

Introducing “‘Shut the F*#k Up!’ Airways.” No talking. Ever. By anyone. And no babies. In what will resemble a miniature United Nations meeting except with higher IQ’s, all older children who are unable to comply — regardless of race, color, creed, religion or compulsive disorder — will be placed in a sound-proof room in the nose cone for the duration of the flight. No exceptions.

Fly in non-discriminatory silence free from the worry of being wrongly accused for a comment you made, and safe in the knowledge that if there are terrorists on board, they won’t be able to audibly communicate with each other.

I know I’d fly on an airline where talking was banned. And if there is a terrorist attack on the plane, at least you’ll not have spent your final moments hearing all the details of the hemorrhoidectomy of the big-mouth encyclopedia salesman from Paducah sitting next to you.

“‘Shut the F*#k Up!’ Airways: We don’t care who you are — You talk, you walk.”

If there’s a more fair way to run an airline where everybody is treated equally, I have yet to see it.

Your Money on their Minds: The Most Outrageous Earmarks of 2008

Time Magazine has their “10 most outrageous earmarks of 2008” list. Here they are… click the link for details and plug your nose:

1. $2 Million for Children’s Wooden Arrow Makers
Spending our money straightens the wood of many members of Congress, so it’s nice to know they return the favor once in a while.

2. $1.9 million for the Charles B. Rangel Center for Public Service
Built with our tax dollars, courtesy of our humble servants. Their giving nature knows no bounds, does it?

3. $1 Million for New York Woodstock Museum
Because creating realistic looking wax hippies covered in their own feces ain’t cheap, pal.

4. $192 Million for U.S. Territories’ Rum Industries
I’m cool with this one — any tribute to what helped build the Kennedy dynasty is fine with me.

5. $188,000 for the Lobster Institute at the University of Maine
The full amount of the earmark was for $500,000, but Congress, at the prodding of Chris Dodd, decided that the remaining $312,000 should go toward the constructions of the “Crabs Institute” at a nearby DC Brothel.

6. $98,000 to Develop a Walking Tour of Boydton, Virginia
Add another $500,000 to the pile when the whole thing has to be torn apart and reconstructed after it’s discovered that the “walking tour” isn’t handicapped accessible.

7. $50,000 for the National Mule and Packers Museum in Bishop, California
Better known as “The House that Asses Built.”

8. $583,000 for the Montana World Trade Center
When you think “world trade,” you think “Montana.” It’s about time they were recognized for that. The toughest thing about working in the Montana World Trade Center is being stuck in an elevator with all those cows.

9. $460,752 for Beer Ingredient
This money was for “Hops” production, but I heard that Barney Frank only voted for it because he was told Hops was a new musical about gay bunnies.

10. $150,000 for “Rat Island”
This one was Ted Stevens’ baby — the so-called “Rodent to nowhere.”

Seems to me that somebody left out the $700 billion bailout. It’s not technically an “earmark,” but you can’t get big earmarks without first creating gigantic ears.