nullWashington, DC (PNN) — Janet Napolitano, President Obama’s new Homeland Security Secretary, told the German newspaper Der Spiegel that in order to move away from the politics of fear toward a policy of being prepared for all risks that can occur, she will now refer to “terrorism” as “man-caused disasters.”

This prompted the Department of Homeland Security, at Napolitano’s behest, to release a list of all name changes that will be in effect during the length of the Obama administration:

“Old, outdated name” = “New, acceptable name”

War = “Appeasement opportunity”

Al Qaeda = “GWAFAIBSVPOAFT” (“Guys with a few anger issues but some valid points on a few things”)

Iran’s quest for nuclear weapons = “Fission trip” (“Atom Sandler” is also acceptable)

Gaza violence = “Jimmy Carter Stimulus Package”

Russia basing bombers in Cuba = “Bay of cute little puppies”

Darfur genocide = “Clooney bin”

Illegal aliens = “Viable Teamster mass”

Hijacking = “Mid-air pilot shift-change initiated by unaddressed sociopolitical grievance”

Belt bombing = “Goin’ all AIG on everybody’s ass”

Americans kidnapped overseas = “Obamaland collectibles”

Napolitano promises that the list will grow in the future, with the ultimate goal being zero-tolerance for names, words or phrases that offend or imply guilt for the actions of any of our global neighbors for whom U.S. policies have led to a life of America-induced, completely understandable outrage.

The Director also announced that effective immediately her office will be known as “The Department of Nonprovocative Reaction.”

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