President Obama’s much protested commencement address at Notre Dame is today. Touchdown Jesus has been replaced with “Touchdown Teleprompter” for the occasion.

Obama will also receive an honorary law degree from the university, which, if I’m not mistaken, will allow the president to sue the Virgin Mary for making the most important decision of her life without first consulting pre-existing religions and/or Planned Parenthood.

Alright, get the booze and shot glasses out, click here to watch Obama’s commencement on C-Span at 3 p.m.

Standard rules apply — if David Axelrod or Janet Napolitano start looking good, it’s time to go take a nap.

Here are the words/phrases we can expect. Any words/phrases with a better than 10-1 shot at being uttered get only a half-shot, just so you can make it through the whole speech without passing out:

Hope: 1-1
Give something back: 1-1
Faith: 1-1
Change: 1-1
Service: 1-1
Community: 1-1
Organize: 1-1
Reaching out: 2-1
Differences: 2-1
Similarities: 2-1
Government’s role: 2-1
Progress: 2-1
Intolerance: 2-1
Yes we can!: 2-1
Can we? Yes!: 3-1
Compromise: 3-1
Global: 3-1
Basic human right: 3-1
Universal: 3-1
Trans-national: 4-1
Program: 4-1
Understanding those who we often mis-label as enemies: 4-1
Alliance: 4-1
Consensus of nations: 5-1
Stimulus: 5-1
Diversity of opinion: 5-1
Climate change: 6-1
Non-Unilateral: 6-1
Uni-Nonlateral: 7-1
Cultural osmosis: 7-1
Regulate: 8-1
Negotiate: 8-1
Open-minded Christian: 8-1
Arbitrate: 9-1
Appreciate: 9-1
Spiritual tolerance: 10-1
I can’t catch up to my teleprompter: 12-1
Broad spectrum: 15-1
All 58 states: 20-1
I’m vehemently pro-life once the baby’s completely evacuated the womb: 22-1
Ayers: 90-1
Jimmy Carter is here to try to get the Irish to stop fighting: 105-1`
America is not a Christian nation: 110-1
My Spiritual Advisor Reverend Wright: 115-1
Sign-up sheets for ACORN are in the lobby: 120-1 (double shot)
Kenya, my birth place: 250-1 (triple shot)

Good luck, and feel free to add to the list.

Even Hillary’s going to do it:

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“Barack said ‘centralized capitalism’! Woo-hoooo!”

Update: Why did Obama say “Fair minded words”? It wasn’t on the list!

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