The Weekly Standard reported that the Obama administration has ordered that Miranda Rights be read to all captured terrorist suspects in Afghanistan (or “Ahf-gahn-ee-stahn” as the president calls it).
But the Justice Department says there is no change on the Miranda policy for captured terror suspects — er, excuse me, “alleged potential man-caused disaster initiators.”
This isn’t exactly true. One of my semi-reliable sources in DC tells me that the Obama administration has quietly been working with the most liberal members of Congress in order to draft an updated Miranda Warning specifically for accused terrorists.
The new Miranda Rights are expected to be released for mandatory use in Afghanistan beginning next week, and here they are:
1. You have the right to remain salient.
2. Anything you say can and will be used against the people who took you into custody.
3. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning of Dick Cheney and the CIA.
4. If you cannot afford an attorney, the people youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re accused of trying to kill will pick up the tab. Just remember, if youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re released and eventually kill them, there might not be anybody to pay for your attorney the next time.
5. If you’re taken to the U.S., you have the right to sue big tobacco while youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re there.
6. You have a right to irony, such as being placed under the protection of the U.S. Constitution against your will by people who claim to loathe forcing the American way of life on people in other countries.
7. You have the right tell CNN that Nancy Pelosi didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know anything about waterboarding.
8. You have the right to consider being read these rights “torture,” and if so you will be allowed to seek asylum at either Amnesty International or in Janeane Garofalo’s basement.
9. Do you understand and agree with these rights? Because if you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t, weÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll give you a pen and you can cross out the parts you donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t like or add rights you think we should have included.