President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis on July 14th. Here’s a quick preview of what it’ll look like:
By order (“decree” I think was the word they used) of the White House, a few rule changes will be in effect for the All-Star game. They include, but are not limited to, the following:
1: The umpires will all be lawyers who don’t know very much about baseball but think they do.
2: A pitcher who strikes out a batter will stop throwing so hard or face ejection from the baseball community and/or possible charges of racism.
3. If a pitcher charges the mound in anger, the violence will be condemned but not stopped, since it’s a matter for the pitcher and batter to resolve. If the fight should last for hundreds of years, Jimmy Carter will be called in to mediate.
4: At the end of the game, the players must give half the money they made for playing in the game to the umpires, and the rest of it to the worst player.
5: A team that falls behind by several runs can apply for a “run stimulus,” which will be provided by taking away runs from other teams in future games.
6: In order to make the game more in tune with liberal economic theory, “zero sum game” rules will apply. For example, if the score is 4-4 and one team scores a run, the other team must lose a run, making the score 5-3. If the first team scores another run, the score would be 6-2. The good news for the team with 2 is that by applying “zero-sum game,” even though they’re down by 4, they’ll only have to score 2 runs to tie the game, and if they are unable they can apply to receive a run bailout (see #5).
7: In order to secure a future endorsement from the Earth Liberation Front, no wooden bats will be used, and it is recommended that players bat using biodegradable, reusable shopping bags filled with hope.
8: The outfield positions will be referred to as “Progressive,” “Moderate,” and “Extreme Right.”
9: The teleprompter will be considered to be a part of the field.
10: The “7th inning stretch” will last three hours and feature a re-airing of ABC’s special on Obama’s plan for national health care running on the jumbo-tron, along with the presentation of a license to perform heart and brain surgery to Doc Halladay, pending passage of a national health care plan.
11. Members of the media will be allowed to towel off the president twice per inning. Reporters awarded this honor will be chosen via lottery (the president has granted an MSNBC request for Chris Matthews to take home all used towels in lieu of one year’s salary).
12: If one team gets down by more than five runs, the government will take the team over, hire a manager who doesn’t know anything about baseball, regulate the players’ pay, cancel the game and use the ballpark for an ACORN pep rally.