Hey Trekkies, good news! Now even blind people will be able to tell you’re not gonna get laid tonight:

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Here are the Klingoneriffic details:

Humans and aliens alike swooned over Captain James T. Kirk, so it was only a matter of time before someone claimed to have bottled his charms.

Firebox is now selling three scents designed specifically for Trekkies.

The first, called Tiberius after none other than James T. himself, is “a casual yet commanding cologne spiked with freshness and sensuality. Citron zest, black pepper and cedar create refreshingly clear top notes, layered over a wooded, spicy scent.” (No mention there of alien gore or spacecraft exhaust fumes).

For those who would admit to being a zero rather than a hero, there’s a cologne called Red Shirt. Firebox says: “…this manly scent has been named after the apparel favoured by the bold but stupid saps/extras who, with grim inevitability, always met a grisly end during away missions.” It promises “top notes of green mandarin, bergamot and hints of lavender [and] base notes of leather and grey musk” delivering a whiff of “the sweet smell of…expendability”.

You too can now go where no man has gone before, provided it’s within the safe confines of your parents basement.

But don’t fret, ladies, you haven’t been forgotten:

Finally, for the ladies, is the Ponn Farr perfume, which is named after the Vulcan mating cycle. Presumably it’s designed to attract males of the human variety as well as those with pointy ears.

But mostly those with pointy ears.

This company should pull William Shatner out of this Star Trek Convention and have him use a similar sales pitch for the cologne.

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