Update: “The Audacity of ‘Nope’”: Chicago is out in the first round.

At 1 p.m. Eastern the Olympic Committee will announce whether or not the Obamas heroic and selfless personal sacrifices in flying to Denmark on the taxpayers’ dime and lobbying for Chicago as the site for the 2016 Summer Games were worth it.

You can watch the IOC announcement here. Chicago, Rio, Tokyo and Madrid are the finalists.

In the spirit of the New Hope that President Obama hath foisted upon the world, I’ll go out on a limb and predict that all cities will be chosen as winners and each will host 20% of the Games, with the remaining 20% being split between the four cities that are determined to have been the most ravaged by climate change in order to bring them some much-needed attention and funds (the carbon-spewing flame on the old torch will be replaced by a compact fluorescent lightbulb as seen below on the Chicago torch).

This is the only way Obama can prove to all citizens of the global community that he indeed intends to lead the entire world together and that the days of the U.S. holding the sole patent on imperialism are over.

Additionally, I’ll go ahead and predict the dates of the 2016 Summer Games. They will begin earlier than usual, on June 1, go for four days, take a one month break to observe Ramadan, and resume on July 6 to conclusion. Oh, and the re-designed medals will be modeled after these Obama coins.

Here’s Chicago’s environmentally correct logo, which might be enough to push them over the top:

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