Global Warming Causes Masseuse to Accuse Al Gore of Trying to Have Sex With Her

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This could make Laurie David jealous.

A summary from Freedom’s Lighthouse:

Here is a video report from Portland, Oregon’s KGW-TV Channel 8 which details allegations by a Portland masseuse that former Vice-President Al Gore subjected her to repeated “unwanted sexual touching” in a hotel room back in 2006. No charges have yet been filed, and Gore has given no response to the allegations. The woman has reportedly met with police. The reporter says they have verified that Gore was in Portland on the date that the alleged incident took place.

The news story:

Gore was checked into the hotel under the name “Mr. Stone” (possibly because global warming increases your risk of kidney stones):

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More details from the complaint filed by the woman — who is obviously delirious from climate change. Don’t read this if the though of Al Gore only in a towel makes you ill:

In a transcript of the 2009 interview released by police, the woman said she went to the hotel for a 10:30 p.m. appointment with “Mr. Stone.”

She said she was doing requested abdominal work on Gore when he started to moan and demanded that she go lower. “I was shocked, and I did not massage beyond what is considered a safe, nonsexual area of the abdomen,” she said. “He further insisted and acted angry, becoming verbally sharp and loud.”

The woman said Gore grabbed her hand and shoved it toward his groin. She told police he later tried to have sex with her and began caressing her before she got away.

“I did not immediately call the police as I feared being made into a public spectacle and my reputation being destroyed,” she said.

Destroyed reputation? Come on! These this is a high-powered Democrat we’re talking about here. I’m sure it would have been fine.

And can you imagine doing abdominal work on Al Gore? That would cost extra because you’d have to take a cab to get to the other side of him.

Of course, this is all merely alleged and the police didn’t feel there was enough to follow up on. But it seems like if the woman only wanted to extort money from Gore she’d have contacted him privately first instead of going to the police.

Either Al Gore didn’t do these things and the masseuse isn’t being truthful, or she is telling the truth and Al’s about to turn out to be the Tiger Woods of junk science — either way you can blame global warming.

Usually Al’s pickup line of “You know, I invented the Internet” is an automatic panty-melter — I don’t know what went wrong this time.

Update: I’m ashamed that I forgot to think of this: Blame Bush!

Update II: Reports say that the masseuse asked Gore if she could give him a “happy ending” and Al replied, “I doubt you alone can stop the ice caps from melting.”

(h/t HotAirPundit)