Different column, different subjects, different site, same me

Starting on Tuesday, January 4th, I’ll have a column addressing pop culture, family, and sexual issues at Caffimage.com, which is a very comprehensive site and worth a visit. The column will run every other Tuesday, and should be a good deal of fun to write.

The first column will be about the quandary faced by men (and women, for that matter) in seeking out which birth control method is best for them.

During my **research (**remembering how my kids came to bless my life) I also recalled, and so outline in the column, that some people prefer no method– Which is most often a spur of the moment decision preceded by the sentence, “It’s okay, honey, it’ll be okay just this once.” That is the first line in a book I’m working on called “The most expensive sentences ever uttered.”

Two weeks from Tuesday, I’m planning an in depth guide for parents on the foibles of trying to have any semblance of a sex life while having young kids in the house. It’ll be instructional, funny, warm, and embarrassing– Just like parenting can be.

So, if you’re so inclined, look for that stuff starting next Tuesday. I’ll still have a column every Monday at WorldNetDaily, as usual.

I love kids who kick campus aging hippie butt

If you want your kids to attend the University of North Carolina, be advised that they will be required to read the Qur’an before they’ll be allowed on campus. At least…for now. Some of the kids are suing the college, claiming it’s their right to not be subject to the whims of those who lean so far left that when they open their mouths, Joni Mitchell songs come out.

Can you imagine the outcry if the college required all students to read the King James Bible, and nothing else?

Hopefully the conservative youth movement in this country continues to pick up steam. Kids are the only vaccine to the leftist pox of indoctrination found on most major campuses. The virus— the sandal-with-a-suit wearing, scruffy bearded, un-ironed shirt wearing, Marx loving, “you can’t hug your kids with nuclear arms” bumper stick displaying virus— is afraid.

They know that if they’re exposed, and are ever forced to practice their philosophy in the real world, they’ll be doing it at a homeless shelter. At last, “from each according to their means to each according to their need” will finally take on practical meaning– In this case, in the form of a transfer of chicken noodle soup.

Good news: Asteroid will miss us in 2029 — Bad news: No celestial assistance to ending bad sitcoms

Astronomers have a tough job, at least, some of them do. They get paid to peer into the heavens and spot rogue asteroids that could end up being the outer space equivalent of Billy Joel’s car, and now have spotted a potential ozone hazard that could cross our path in the year 2029. Astronomers, effectively keeping with their tradition of not overly personalizing things, are calling this asteroid “MN4”.

They now tell us the asteroid will miss us, but there was a brief panic there for a while, with some pretty shaky pocket protecters in some observatories.

I’ve always wanted to try this experiment. If something’s scary, just rename it. Instead of the scientific name for the asteroid, I’ll call it “Vicki”. I’ll bet the public wouldn’t panic as much if they’d employ this tactic.

According to “Space Magazine“, “Vicki” was the first asteroid to be ranked “4” on the Torino Scale. If I knew what that meant, I’d probably be scared right now.

This from the article, with the aforementioned change made:

“‘Vicki’ circles the Sun, but unlike most asteroids that reside in a belt between Mars and Jupiter, the 323-day orbit of ‘Vicki’ lies mostly within the orbit of Earth.”

Not nearly as scary as “MN4”, is it?

Anyway… When scientists constantly change their minds, we gain inattention, and they lose whatever creditility they had left. This is the case with asteroids, and other things as well.

Just recently, an anthropologist was playing in the scorching giant sandbox in a country with the name that sounds more like a frat brother than a nation- Chad. He found a skull from the human family that is about 7 million years old and sort of resembled a dehydrated Joan Collins. The scientist, who made the discovery, said that it could have been as young as 6 million years old, but I think he was just trying to flatter it. I’ll bet he says that to all the Sahelanthropus tchadensis.

The point here was that immediately after the discovery, scientists all over the place said things like, “This could change our current views on human evolution.”

Hold on a second, Prof, I thought what you guys have been teaching us for the past hundred years was rock solid truth. Now we’re changing our views just because you found a skull roughly as old as the average “Price is Right” viewer?

I don’t want to sound hominid phobic, but when you shift gears on us like that, we stop listening. What’s next? Is one day a “scientist” going to fall up, thereby rendering moot Sir Isaac Newton? — An entire scientific principle turned upside-down simply because the drunken frat buddies of a physics major nailed his furniture to the ceiling while he was passed out.

That asteroid wasn’t going to hit until 2029, so they’ll change their minds a few times between now and then concerning whether or not it’ll hit us. I’ll be into my 60’s by then, so if it passes too close, chances are I’ll be outside chasing it with a flyswatter.

Drug company employees told not to answer the door if somebody who looks like Santa after a two year coke n' KFC binge comes knocking

Michael Moore’s next shot at molding the clay of truth into whatever shape he pleases will be an expose’ on the health care industry. The people who run pharmaceutical companies, knowing how fair of a shake they’ll get, don’t want their people to talk to him.

The film will no doubt feature sharp criticism of insurance companies, HMOs, the Food and Drug Administration and drug companies who, Moore will say, rake in tons of money every year based on lies– Sort of like Moore.

Hopefully he’ll be able to get to the truth about exactly how much money the guys who make those cruel and heartless pill bottles make off with. “Push top and twist to open”? Don’t they realize how difficult that is for somebody laced on Vicodin and 7/7’s? But do they care about people like Liza and George Carlin? Nope…just padding their bank accounts! Get to the bottom of this, Michael!

Drug company employees told not to answer the door if somebody who looks like Santa after a two year coke n’ KFC binge comes knocking

Michael Moore’s next shot at molding the clay of truth into whatever shape he pleases will be an expose’ on the health care industry. The people who run pharmaceutical companies, knowing how fair of a shake they’ll get, don’t want their people to talk to him.

The film will no doubt feature sharp criticism of insurance companies, HMOs, the Food and Drug Administration and drug companies who, Moore will say, rake in tons of money every year based on lies– Sort of like Moore.

Hopefully he’ll be able to get to the truth about exactly how much money the guys who make those cruel and heartless pill bottles make off with. “Push top and twist to open”? Don’t they realize how difficult that is for somebody laced on Vicodin and 7/7’s? But do they care about people like Liza and George Carlin? Nope…just padding their bank accounts! Get to the bottom of this, Michael!

Viktor Yushchenko wins in Ukraine, still afraid to eat

Viktor Yushchenko won “Ukraine election II”, defeating Viktor Yanukovich after Yanukovich’s first win was thrown out by a court. The crowd at Yushchenko’s campaign headquarters was rowdy, yelling and chanting Viktor’s name, but grew deadly silent after Yushchenko asked if anybody wanted to be his food taster.

As for Yanukovich, he’s refusing to accept defeat, and will soon grab a seat right next to Al Gore at the Sore Loser Bar & Grill, located just off Route 11 in the state of Denial.

Somewhere, a bumbling David Boies is in a phone booth trying to change into his “Super Lawyer” suit, hopelessly entangled in the cape and tights, and will miss his flight to Ukraine.

Does anybody keep New Years resolutions?

I’ve never met anybody who has actually kept a New Years resolution.

Oh sure, some people can keep a resolution for even up to a few days. Quitting smoking, stop drinking, better diet, make some more money, stop calling the neighbors kid fat, stop yelling at the video clerk because they’re out of the last copy of “Goodwill Humping”, “Buffy The Vampire Layer”, or “Lawrence of a Labia” even when you phoned ahead and reserved the damn thing two days ago.

For the most part our New Years resolutions last about as long as a Twinkie in Michael Moore’s stomach acid.

It takes a light amount of insanity to make New Years resolutions, because you know it’ll fail, but you do it anyway. When I say “insane,” I’m not talking about the serious, foaming at the mouth derelicts you see whackin’ off in bus stops across the nation. They obviously made no New Years resolutions at all, and good for them! No, I’m talking about a “light insanity,” the sort of gentle craziness that makes Leif Garrett think he can still get Nicolette Sheridan back. These are the people who make resolutions.

That much said, my New Years resolution for 2005 is to once again make no resolutions. I know I can keep that one!