Shameless plug o' the week

This week’s column is about the abject trauma and chronic misery of Post Election Stress Trauma, or PEST. Symptoms of those afflicted include mild depression, fatigue, and perpetual insistance on nominating and supporting the unelectable. Check it out here.

Update: Patients who have been treated for PEST are talking about their therapy sessions. One particular woman in this story said it helped her a great deal. She was very concerned, in part, with economic issues. The doctor dealt with it effectively by charging her for the session so she would walk out with less money. See? Bush is bad for her economy. Her feelings validated, she left the session with her head held high, her formerly heavy heart replaced by a light wallet.

Shameless plug o’ the week

This week’s column is about the abject trauma and chronic misery of Post Election Stress Trauma, or PEST. Symptoms of those afflicted include mild depression, fatigue, and perpetual insistance on nominating and supporting the unelectable. Check it out here.

Update: Patients who have been treated for PEST are talking about their therapy sessions. One particular woman in this story said it helped her a great deal. She was very concerned, in part, with economic issues. The doctor dealt with it effectively by charging her for the session so she would walk out with less money. See? Bush is bad for her economy. Her feelings validated, she left the session with her head held high, her formerly heavy heart replaced by a light wallet.

Clinton Presidential Library to open Thursday, visitors will flock to "impeachment wing"… no kidding…stop laughing

Chappaqua (which is an Algonquin word for “Land where heap big adulterer sleep on couch”) will be two people lighter this week, because the Clintons will be in Little Rock for a grand opening, and not one that will get Bill into trouble this time.

Bill Clinton’s presidential library, which, fittingly, looks like a trailer that slid halfway off the truck, will have the grand opening this Thursday. I’ll give them points for not running from the past, because the library will have an area dedicated to Clinton’s impeachment.

This could be good business sense. If the exact replica of the Oval Office is interactive, they’ll discover a whole lot of paying customers.

For $165 million, I hope they did make the museum interactive. These people could make a fortune by charging a premium for rides in “the Monica simulator.” Guys would be lined up five deep clear around the corner to pay $20 a head … (Hang on while I try to figure out a way to reword the previous sentence…) OK, they’d be lined up five deep clear around the corner to pay $20 a person.

Visitors could also try their luck on the “Rodham cowboy!” an electronic bull in the likeness of the New York senator and former first lady. Riders insert $5 into the receptacle, whisper, “I got caught schtupping another tubby intern” into the built-in microphone, and see how many seconds they can hold on before being thrown off.

“Decipher that Dick” would definitely be a crowd favorite. Contestants win great prizes if they can pick up the phone in the Oval Office, and are able to understand what Dick Morris is mumbling while his mouth is full of a hooker’s toes.

The “Clinton Library Apprentice” would also be a big hit. Players in this game pay to compete to see who can find out which of the library’s employees used to work in the White House Travel Office, and be the first to tell them, “you’re fired.” Winners get Bill’s “Walt Whitman’s Sampler”– a box containing four truffles and a copy of “Leaves of Grass.”

Watch out, Arkansas… the Clinton’s are back in town.

Clinton Presidential Library to open Thursday, visitors will flock to “impeachment wing”… no kidding…stop laughing

Chappaqua (which is an Algonquin word for “Land where heap big adulterer sleep on couch”) will be two people lighter this week, because the Clintons will be in Little Rock for a grand opening, and not one that will get Bill into trouble this time.

Bill Clinton’s presidential library, which, fittingly, looks like a trailer that slid halfway off the truck, will have the grand opening this Thursday. I’ll give them points for not running from the past, because the library will have an area dedicated to Clinton’s impeachment.

This could be good business sense. If the exact replica of the Oval Office is interactive, they’ll discover a whole lot of paying customers.

For $165 million, I hope they did make the museum interactive. These people could make a fortune by charging a premium for rides in “the Monica simulator.” Guys would be lined up five deep clear around the corner to pay $20 a head … (Hang on while I try to figure out a way to reword the previous sentence…) OK, they’d be lined up five deep clear around the corner to pay $20 a person.

Visitors could also try their luck on the “Rodham cowboy!” an electronic bull in the likeness of the New York senator and former first lady. Riders insert $5 into the receptacle, whisper, “I got caught schtupping another tubby intern” into the built-in microphone, and see how many seconds they can hold on before being thrown off.

“Decipher that Dick” would definitely be a crowd favorite. Contestants win great prizes if they can pick up the phone in the Oval Office, and are able to understand what Dick Morris is mumbling while his mouth is full of a hooker’s toes.

The “Clinton Library Apprentice” would also be a big hit. Players in this game pay to compete to see who can find out which of the library’s employees used to work in the White House Travel Office, and be the first to tell them, “you’re fired.” Winners get Bill’s “Walt Whitman’s Sampler”– a box containing four truffles and a copy of “Leaves of Grass.”

Watch out, Arkansas… the Clinton’s are back in town.

CSI: CBS

As if CBS didn’t have enough problems, now they’re firing the wrong people.

When word that Yasser Arafat died hit the newsroom at CBS, a hot to trot producer immediately aired the news… The problem was, they did it during the last few minutes of CSI: NY. This ticked off many American viewers– Most didn’t think the news was worthy of a program interruption, and some of whom thought “Arafat” was a cooking oil substitute.

So, what does CBS do? They fired the news producer. Hey, at least the Arafat story was true. This producer should have had a fake story about Bush on the air, and he or she would have been lauded by their peers and still had a job, just like Rather.

Sooner or later, CBS will face the critical decision of whether or not to break in to primetime programming to report news of their own demise.

The now famous "Marlboro Man in Fallujah" photo must have some of the far left's environmentally friendly undies in a wad

Marine Lance Cpl. James Blake Miller

Conservative caption: “Brave Marine takes a break from taking out terrorists with bullets.”

Leftist pencil-neck college prof caption: “Soldier in unjust and illegal military action taking out innocent citizens of a formerly sovereign nation with second-hand smoke.”

The now famous “Marlboro Man in Fallujah” photo must have some of the far left’s environmentally friendly undies in a wad

Marine Lance Cpl. James Blake Miller

Conservative caption: “Brave Marine takes a break from taking out terrorists with bullets.”

Leftist pencil-neck college prof caption: “Soldier in unjust and illegal military action taking out innocent citizens of a formerly sovereign nation with second-hand smoke.”

Palestinians go Suha happy

Reports are that Yasser Arafat’s widow is going to receive about $22 million a year from the Palestinian Authority. The “peace process” may now improve, not because of renewed efforts, but because about half of this money is being diverted from 2005’s “suicide bomb belt” budget.

From the looks of the Gaza Strip, you’d guess that they operate roughly on the budget of your typical train station vending machine, but apparently they’ve got cash.

$22 million a year. Wow. You know what that could mean someday? You guessed it… “Suha Arafat Kerry.”

Sorry Madonna, but my kids won't be reading you

Madonna’s latest childrens book which will be released next summer, “Lotsa de Casha“, is about a dog who has money but no happiness. Childrens books from Madonna? Next thing you know, Wes Craven will be writing Harlequin Romances.

Madonna’s bio is comically ironic.

At one time, Madonna ruled the world of pop music. She was riding high atop the charts (as well as several athletes and actors). Her album “Like a Virgin” has sold around 20 million copies, half of which were purchased by collectors who knew it could be the last time the world would ever see Madonna and the word “virgin” in the same photo.

She then married Sean Penn, a man with a head more cavernous and helium-filled than a blimp hangar, stayed in the news by continuing to release hit singles and strip, and because her husband treated tabloid photographers the way they deserve to be treated. Realizing that, in the celebrity industry, you have to flow with the tides if your career is to survive – Madonna did just that, and flowed away from Penn. Sean later went on a “fact-finding” mission to Baghdad, where the word “Penn” is now an Arabic term meaning “the dumbest guy in Iraq.”

Madonna has since “reinvented” herself a couple hundred times – each reinvention a little filthier than the next until the day she realized that the only way she could get nastier would be to engage in Internet porn with six circus clowns and a pack mule. She then put the brakes on (couldn’t find a pack mule), had kids and made a couple of movies that were the celluloid equivalent of a root canal.

She now lives in England, where she moved to get her kids out of the US, and badmouths the United States, coming back only often enough to pick up sacks full of money.

Now come children’s books written by Madonna. It’s only a natural progression, or in this case regression. She released a picture book in the early ’90s called “Sex,” so this all fits into her backward slide away from a scene she helped create. It was good enough for everybody elses kids, but not hers.

I simply won’t let my kids look at any of her children’s books for fear of chapter titles like “If it doesn’t fit, don’t force it,” “No, you won’t go blind,” or “Why is Mommy’s ‘flashlight’ buzzing?”

I do, however, like to use her as an example of somebody who claims to care about children so much, yet must shield her own from the very place that she and her like-minded music and film-industry shock dealers helped build.