The Whores of Gorebylon

Going “green” can be a boost to the economy… if you’re a prostitute. Perhaps this could be a topic for Al Gore’s sequel, “An Inconvenient Booty Call”:

The global climate challenge may have been on the daytime agenda during the recent World Business Summit climate conference in Copenhagen, but in the evenings many businessmen, politicians and civil servants are reported to have availed themselves of the capital’s prostitutes.

“We’ve been extremely busy. Politicians also need to relax after a long day,” says ‘Miss Dina’, herself a prostitute.

Good for the economy

Nyhedsbrevet 3F called various escort agencies and prostitutes to hear whether they had been busier than normal during the climate conference – and all agreed; summits in Copenhagen are good for the economy.

This could be fun to go to just to hear environmentalists pulling up to the curb and saying “What’ll ya do for 50 carbon credits?”

It’s okay though, the hookers are doing it “Gore style,” meaning that they’re using hybrid sex toys, hemp whips, biodegradable condoms, and if you yell Al Gore’s name during an orgasm they give you 10% off — then they get on their private jets and fly home.

Climate change may be shrinking the penis bones of Greenland polar bears, but it has the opposite effect on environmental conference-goers.

Environmental Update: Arrgh! We’re all gonna die faster than the “very fast” we originally thought (click here for that story — photo taken just before the fellas went out whorin’…)

Gaming Company Sees Obama’s iPod for the Queen and Raises Him One Gold-Plated Wii

This is going to make the iPod that Obama gave Queen Elizabeth look wimpy in comparison:

The Nintendo Wii has positioned itself as the gaming console for everybody. As it turns out, that includes the Queen of England. Well, sort of. It’s not like Her Royal Highness went down to Wal-Mart and bought one with her summer job savings. Rather, she was given a special version by gaming company THQ.

What makes the Queen’s “Royal Wii” different? It’s gold-plated, sucka! None of that lame white plastic for Buckingham Palace — the Queen needs her bling! Gaming blog Joystiq reports that the gaming company is hopeful that the PR stunt “will amuse Queen Elizabeth.”

Yeah, but is the Wii loaded with Obama’s speeches? Maybe it will once Obama’s people have a “chat” with THQ.

Actually, the Queen likes to play Wii bowling (check out this picture). This is strike two for Obama, because, well, you know how he is at bowling.

For Obama’s next trip to England, the president’s going to have to trump this. Maybe a diamond encrusted teleprompter? A shiny new Rhodium-plated sceptre engraved with his inaugural speech?

Hopefully somebody asks the Queen which gift was her favorite. I’m guessing that, for Queen, Wii are the champions. Sorry…

Recovery Act Putting People to Work… Installing Recovery Act Signs

From the looks of all the “American Recovery and Reinvestment Act” signs that are popping up everywhere, the only work that has been created by the “American Recovery and Reinvestment Act” has been jobs putting up “American Recovery and Reinvestment Act” signs.

Here’s just one:

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Michelle has more examples here.

The government makes lots of claims with their programs, but I’m not sure I believe that the stimulus has this much of a storied history:

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However, I do believe this one:

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All things being equal, this sign probably best represents this particular government program:

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A Solution for Cheerios in the Fight Against FDA Cereal Killers

The Food and Drug Administration has sent the CEO of General Mills a letter warning the company that their claim that Cheerios can “lower your level of cholesterol 10% in one month” qualifies the cereal as a “drug,” and no drug in the U.S. can be legally marketed without an approved new drug application.

Here’s the actual letter sent to General Mills. Do the health Fife’s at the FDA get off on their jobs, or what?

But the solution for Cheerios is simple, and it’ll also satisfy the government while probably helping the company achieve a record-setting year for sales.

Give up on the cholesterol claims and go the herbal route, General Mills. This will allow you to skirt any government health regs and make any claim you like — and you’ll probably sell a few boxes to certain FDA employees while you’re at it:

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Obama Advertising, Inc.

The Obama administration got into the car business, so why not the advertising business?

From the Tribble Agency:

Chrysler wanted to spend $134 million in advertising over the nine weeks it’s in bankruptcy, however the Obama auto-industry task force gave it only half that.

Actually, Obama’s on to something here, because if he follows his GM business plan with Chrysler, why advertise if the government’s going to buy all the cars anyway?

The Federal Government viewed at least half of Chrysler’s advertising budget as a waste of money.

Insert your own joke here.

Keep in mind these are the same economy-minded government types that have put our tax dollars into tobacco company stock and then used the dividends to buy ads telling us not to smoke.

And what about the millions of dollars in Chrysler advertising money that the already strapped broadcast industry is now writing off for the remaining quarters this year? Couldn’t the government just let Chrysler spend the planned amount on advertising and consider it a “broadcast industry bailout”?

But we can’t expect Obama to consider the domino effect that slashing Chrysler’s ad budget will have on the ailing advertising/broadcast industry, since Democrats don’t believe in trickle-down economics.

As a result of the takeover, the Chrysler logo and slogan, which was this…

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…will be slightly updated to feature a photo of the company’s new Supreme Leader, a modified slogan, two left wings and a message to other companies about fiscal responsibility:

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EU Calls for Shorter Work Week, Had More Stuff to Say But Took Off for the Day

European Union leaders have called for a shorter work week in order to create jobs.

Legislating people working less to lower the unemployment rate isn’t new — this has been the economic strategy of France for quite a while.

The European theory behind limiting the work week is, in part, that any overtime forces an employer to hire more staff instead of just pay fewer people to work longer.

You have to appreciate the thinking there, which is not unlike that of the American left, meaning that it’s creative and sounds logical to the grey matter challenged, but can’t hold water. If the reasoning behind shortened work-week laws sounds like a good idea, consider this: if making up ground on a high unemployment rate can be solved by lowering the number of hours worked per person, at what point does that become a stupid idea (hint: at any point).

Let’s assume that shortening the work-week to, say, 32 hours, doesn’t achieve the intended purpose of dramatically lowering the unemployment rate. This will lead to the next great idea in socialist theory: the 20 hour per week maximum… then ten hours… then five hours. The decline in working hours will continue until nobody is working at all. Somehow this culminates in full employment.

It actually works out well in the end, because through it all, these governments will have to raise business taxes through the roof in order to send checks to people who can’t survive on just a few hours of work per week, so the businesses will go under and there won’t be anywhere to work anyway.

The scary thing is that this kind of thinking has made its way to America due to the somewhat recent idiocy pandemic. The only work-week I’m for placing mandatory restrictions on is the government. If private sector people work hard, that’s good for the economy. If the government works long and hard, we’re screwed.

Monday’s Column: This Little Piggy Went to Washington

Today’s column at WorldNetDaily is about the effort to remove the word “swine” from “swine flu” to avoid the impression that the virus can be caught from eating pork.

The pork industry’s business is down as a result of the flu, and the government is riding to the rescue. Give a read to “Too pig to fail” for the whole story on the flu name and more.

You can give it a Digg here.

Prison Economy Collapsing

Snack prices in Florida prisons have risen, and some aren’t happy about it:

Having to pay more for Honey Buns and other prison snack shop items has made inmates at Florida prisons and their families upset.

The state, which has the nation’s third largest state prison system, raised prices about three weeks ago under a new contract with an outside company. Since then, the department has gotten approximately 60 phone calls and letters from families complaining about the increases.

“The prices have increased dramatically,” one inmate’s family wrote in an e-mail to the department signed “concerned family.” “We have to send money to our loved one and now he can hardly buy anything substantial. Please can we fix this?”

No word on how many families that, rather than sending angry notes to the prison management complaining about the raised prices, instead sent letters to their imprisoned loved ones saying, “Next time stay out of jail, moron.”

And did the author of this story really need to use “Honey Buns” as the example? When you hear that in the joint, they’re not talking about a snack food.

If you couple the increase of snack prices with the skyrocketing cost of cigarettes, the prison economy is reeling.

The Onion has more on this:


Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Exceeds Two Hand Jobs

Obama Names New GM Board of Directors

Having already unveiled a new logo for the company, President Obama said his administration would now play a key role in naming a new Board of Directors for General Motors, and he has followed through on that promise.

At a press conference earlier today, Obama announced the new GM Board of Directors:

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Here’s each Board member and President Obama’s rationale behind the choice:

1– Lindsay Lohan: Years of acting experience along with expertise in driving a small, fuel efficient car on a movie set were the determining factors in the Lohan choice. “Finding a skilled actor who can star in our commercials and trick the American public into believing that the government can make a car that actually works was the first piece of the puzzle we had to find. Plus Lindsay’s time in ‘Herbie Fully Loaded’ — both figuratively and literally — gave her vast experience in the auto industry,” said the president.

2– Albert Gore, Jr.: Insiders say Obama chose Al Gore for the GM Board because he was impressed with a business acumen that can turn a $2 million net worth into over $100 million based on nothing but fear mongering and highly gullible world leaders. “That’s the kind of innovator we’re going to need to make this thing work,” said Obama.

3– William Ayers: A White House spokesperson said that Ayers will head up GM’s new “Public Transportation” sector, specializing in GM’s coming push to sell hybrid school buses that will take children to Obama High every morning. “Nobody knows the underside of a bus better than Mr. Ayers, who, by the way, President Obama has never met,” according to the spokesperson.

4– Barney Frank and those two other guys: “Barney Frank has proven time and time again that nobody knows how to get a square peg out of a round hole like he does,” said Obama in a statement released by the White House. “His work in Congress with America’s banks is more than enough proof that he deserves to have his skill sets used elsewhere. As you know, the new GM will be moving away from automatic transmissions for global warming reasons, and the Congressman assures me that those two other guys really know their way around a stick, so I have the utmost confidence in Rep. Frank to do to the auto industry what he’s done to the banking industry — and those two other guys for that matter.”

5– Michael Bloomberg: The New York Mayor will oversee production of all “Blow & Go” devices that will be mandatory on all new government-made GM cars. According to Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, “Mayor Bloomberg will monitor the manufacturing and installation of these safety devices, called ‘The Bloomie,’ which will disable a car’s ignition if the micro-chip detects any hint of trans-fats, salt or smoke on the driver’s breath.”

6– Dr. Emmett Brown: Finding environmentally friendly ways to power automobiles will be the number one job of the new GM, and insiders say President Obama was so impressed with Brown’s “Mr. Fusion” that he wanted him on the Board. Joe Biden’s office said that the Vice President plans to inform President Obama that Dr. Brown isn’t a real guy just as soon as the veep gets back from his overseas trip where he’s seeking new trade partnerships with any ethnic groups and nationalities he hasn’t yet offended.

7– Gary Coleman: According to Obama, “Damn I liked that Diff’rent Strokes show!” When reached for comment, Coleman said he had no idea why he was made a GM Board member, but he hopes he doesn’t let down the president, who according to Coleman, made him say “What’chu talkin’ ’bout Prez?” at least a dozen times during the five-minute phone conversation. Coleman gladly accepted Obama’s challenge of designing and installing brake pads shaped like the silhouette of Conrad Bain.

8– Nancy Pelosi: “The Speaker flies everywhere on your dime, often using Air Force planes,” the president said, “So the fact that she rarely uses cars and opts for taxpayer-funded private jets makes her the perfect choice to be unbiased when it comes to choosing the best land-based transportation for peasants — I mean, taxpaying Americans.”

9– Jimmy Carter: Everybody who works in business knows there are frequent disagreements. Former President Carter will mediate all inter-company disputes from his GM office at PLO headquarters in Ramallah. According to Carter’s spokesperson, the former president accepted Obama’s Board invitation after the administration agreed that the first car they manufacture will be called the “Yassir Aurorafat.” Carter says his first order of Board business will be to lobby Congress to have the decal that shows Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo considered a “hate crime.”

10– Wile E. Coyote: “I know this is a cartoon character,” said Obama, “But we were looking for a good representation of insane perserverence and mentally-challenged ingenuity in the face of daunting odds and frustrating circumstances, and nothing we came up with symbolized the kind of government-operated business I’m trying to put together like Mr. Coyote.”

11– Teleprompter: “We just couldn’t get this massive undertaking off the ground without him,” Obama’s teleprompter spelled out for the president at the press conference this morning.

Insiders say former President Clinton was offered a Board seat but declined after being informed that they already had somebody to run the Hummer division.

‘Think Ford First’ — Especially If You’re About to Lose Your Job

Think you’re gonna lose your job? Go get a Ford:

Ford Motor Co. said Tuesday it is offering a payment protection plan to help reassure consumers who may be putting off buying a new car because of worries about losing their job.
[…]
Ford said Tuesday it will cover payments of up to $700 each month for up to a year on any new Ford, Lincoln or Mercury vehicle if consumers lose their jobs. The program runs until June 1.

But, maybe you should buy a car from Government Motors instead:

GM has said it is considering a program that would help new car owners keep their cars, in the event they lose their job.

Are we heading into the “a car is a human right and therefore the government should provide it for free” territory where health care and housing resides? Maybe it’s part of the government’s grand plan to combine free housing and free cars into one big human right, since they know that most of us will living in our cars pretty soon anyway.