Philipine Senator Threatens to Throw 30 Rocks at Alec Baldwin

If Alec Baldwin ever goes to the Philipines, let the beatdown begin:

MANILA, Philippines — Alec Baldwin’s joke about getting a Filipino mail-order bride provoked a sharp response in the Philippines, with one senator saying Monday that the “30 Rock” star faces violence if he ever visits.
[…]
The Emmy-winning actor quipped that he was “thinking about getting a Filipino mail-order bride at this point … or a Russian one.”
[…]
Philippine Sen. Ramon Revilla said Monday that Baldwin’s comment was “insensitive and uncalled for” and an insult to millions of Filipinos.

He called the actor “arrogant” and said he is apparently unaware that the Philippines has a law against mail-order brides.

“Let him try to come here in the Philippines and he’ll see mayhem,” Revilla said, using a local idiom that implies the speaker will personally administer a beating.

That Senator is so angry you’d think that Baldwin just voted to impeach President Clinton or something and wants to take it out on his Hyde.

PETA May Want to Reconsider the ‘Person of the Year’ Thing for Oprah

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have long been fiercely opposed to KFC.

PETA even operates a website called “KentuckyFriedCruelty”:

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PETA is also the group that made Oprah Winfrey their “Person of the Year” in 2008 for her shows highlighting animal cruelty.

Now, Oprah’s pushing KFC coupons on her website:

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I’m as confused and suspicious as Pamela Anderson’s kid during the balloon toss game at the cosmetic surgeon’s mother/daughter picnic.

Yoko Ono Gets Acorny Again

This should help calm down Al Qaeda a little bit:

Yoko Ono is to celebrate the 40th anniversary of “Acorn Peace”–when she and John Lennon planted acorns for peace in 1969–by contacting 123 world leaders and encouraging them to think about world peace.

Ono will send the leaders two acorns each, in a transparent box with the inscription “Acorn Peace by John And Yoko, Spring 2009.”

I’m sure Obama will appreciate the gesture. If anybody likes acorn, it’s the president.

You know my philosophy regarding Yoko Ono — I support anything she does that distracts her from trying to sing:

(tinnitus, migraine warning)

Jackie Chan for Secretary of Obama’s China Cabinet!

We have a new rising star in politics — and not in a good way — but I won’t be surprised if Jackie Chan ends up with a high level post in Washington with this kind of “progressive” grip on freedom and capitalism:

Chan told a business forum in the southern Chinese province of Hainan that a free society may not be beneficial for China ‘s authoritarian mainland.

“I’m not sure if it’s good to have freedom or not,” Chan said Saturday. “I’m gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we’re not being controlled, we’ll just do what we want.”

The students crushed to death under tanks in Tiananmen Square and the who-knows-how-many political prisoners in the country would disagree with Chan’s position… if they could.

Chan’s a perfect fit for at least a seat in our current U.S. Senate. Either that or I’d suggest that President Obama create a new cabinet post — the China Cabinet — specifically so Chan can help the administration figure out how to apply these guiding principles to America — more than they already are. Obama has already praised China to the hilt. Why not completely follow through? Jackie could help.

Jackie Chan for Secretary of the China Cabinet!

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“Take that, freedom!”

Paparazzi Startle Madonna’s Mount, Star in Stable Condition

nullNote: As part of the new “Truth in Headlines Act of 2009,” we have to say before the story begins that the following news has nothing to do with A-Rod, in spite of what the title implies.

A horse being ridden by Madonna threw her off, causing the singer to suffer minor injuries. It is not known at this time which side of the horse the pop diva was riding on, but the accident has caused the ongoing filming of “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane II” to be suspended indefinitely.

The manager of the stable believes that the black Appaloosa became agitated after finding out that Madonna was trying to adopt him, but the pop star claims photographers startled the horse.

Madonna suffers from a rare condition known as “Equinarazzi-phobia” — the fear of riding a horse without hoardes of media taking pictures of you.

Children in Malawi are reportedly happy to hear the news that Madonna is okay, but are thrilled nonetheless that she’ll not be able to visit for at least a week, giving them the opportunity to go outdoors for several days free from the fear of being plucked off the street to be used as a haughty American celebrity’s fashion accessory.