Two More Massage Therapists Accuse Al Gore of Trying to Warm Their Globes

Warning: Don’t read this story if you just ate lunch:

Former Vice President Al Gore has been hit by new allegations of sexual assault. This time, it’s two more massage therapists bringing the charges.

The former VP is already in hot water, fighting abuse claims in Portland, where another masseuse said Gore groped her in ’06 and asked her to perform a “chakra release” (massage-speak for “hand job”.) He denies everything.

The new allegations are said to have taken place at two hotels – one in Beverly Hills in 2007, when Gore was in Hollywood for the Oscars, the other in Tokyo in 2008.

A source from the luxury hotel in Beverly Hills told The Enquirer: “The therapist claimed that when they were alone, Gore shrugged off a towel and stood naked in front of her.” He then propositioned her for a sexual act, according to The Enquirer.

I’m guessing Al’s having trouble getting hotel masseuses to his room these days.

New t-shirt idea:

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Kid Blanco: Al Gore’s Son Enters Boxing Ring Tonight

Al Gore III, or “Kid Blanco” as he’s known in the corporate boxing world, is set to fight “The Carnivore” tonight.

As we know, carnivores cause global warming, so Al’s hoping for a quick knockout:

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Gore III’s boxing name should have been “The Second Chakra,” but we can’t have everything, I guess.

Who will win the fight? I don’t discount anybody who can get a Prius up to 100 miles per hour. Additionally, Gore III learned a mean “rope a dope” technique by watching his father peddle carbon credits to the gullible.

Dude, Where’s My Ozone Hole?

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Get out the aerosol hairspray you were instructed to stop using in the mid-1980’s and start spraying again with reckless abandon — the disappearing ozone layer that was giving eco-wieners the runs has been healing and re-appearing, but naturally there’s a downside to that:

While the hole in the Earth’s protective ozone layer is slowly healing, its recovery might have a downside, scientists say: Climate change could change wind patterns and send ozone from high in the atmosphere down to the surface, where it is a major component of smog.

The discovery of a hole in the ozone layer above Antarctica was announced by a team of British scientists in 1985. The cause of the hole was attributed to ozone-depleting chemicals like chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs), which were primarily used in cooling units and propellants. When CFCs reach the ozone layer, they release chlorine atoms that rip ozone apart and peel away layers of Earth’s natural sunscreen.

This is the beauty of the “climate change” scheme — no matter what happens, you’re screwed unless you become a willing dupe in the latest money and power-grab scheme du jour.

The ozone layer disappears? We’re screwed. It’s getting better? We’re screwed. But somehow all will be well if Al Gore gets richer.

By the way, “Ozone Layer” is Gore’s code name in the masseuse community.

Nat’l Enquirer Cover Way Too Gore-y

Here’s the masseuse-in-question, Molly Hagerty, who is claiming Al Gore/Mr. Stone tried to force her to climb the south face of Mt. Moonbat. She’s holding a sackful of what she says contains the crazed sex poodle’s “second chakra” droppings.

I can’t go on — getting ill… Enquiring minds no longer want to know.

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I’m a little surprised she revealed her identity (unless she was paid some serious coin), because she had to know that she can now expect to be buried in a libtard-alanche of retaliatory Gorebots.

People Who Don’t Believe Gore Tried to Have Sex With That Masseuse are Just Like Holocaust Deniers

That’s all, really. I just wanted to see how the unwaivering followers of the hypocritical and greedy **“crazed sex poodle” like it when their own insane comparisons are thrown back at them.

Oh, and if Gore ever asks for your help in releasing his second chakra, step away quickly.

**When applying the term “crazed sex poodle” to Gore, I believe only one of those three words accurately describes him (hint: it’s not the last two).

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Update: It gets better all the time: The woman who delayed in filing a complaint against Gore was allegedly told by a liberal friend not to turn him in because, without Al Gore, the world would be destroyed by global warming.

The Long-Awaited Computer Animation of Al Gore’s Alleged Sexual Assault

Yes, it just had to happen. They say that the camera adds ten pounds, but lucky for Al it looks like animation takes off at least 50 pounds.

Thank goodness the animator didn’t include the alleged part where Gore’s alleged DNA ended up on the alleged pants of the allged masseuse (I don’t believe for one second, by the way, that Gore worked for Clinton for eight years and didn’t learn not to do that):

I don’t really believe any of it. There’s no way Gore would have been able to avoid seducing her with his global warming poem.

(h/t Weasel Zippers)

Global Warming Causes Masseuse to Accuse Al Gore of Trying to Have Sex With Her

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This could make Laurie David jealous.

A summary from Freedom’s Lighthouse:

Here is a video report from Portland, Oregon’s KGW-TV Channel 8 which details allegations by a Portland masseuse that former Vice-President Al Gore subjected her to repeated “unwanted sexual touching” in a hotel room back in 2006. No charges have yet been filed, and Gore has given no response to the allegations. The woman has reportedly met with police. The reporter says they have verified that Gore was in Portland on the date that the alleged incident took place.

The news story:

Gore was checked into the hotel under the name “Mr. Stone” (possibly because global warming increases your risk of kidney stones):

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More details from the complaint filed by the woman — who is obviously delirious from climate change. Don’t read this if the though of Al Gore only in a towel makes you ill:

In a transcript of the 2009 interview released by police, the woman said she went to the hotel for a 10:30 p.m. appointment with “Mr. Stone.”

She said she was doing requested abdominal work on Gore when he started to moan and demanded that she go lower. “I was shocked, and I did not massage beyond what is considered a safe, nonsexual area of the abdomen,” she said. “He further insisted and acted angry, becoming verbally sharp and loud.”

The woman said Gore grabbed her hand and shoved it toward his groin. She told police he later tried to have sex with her and began caressing her before she got away.

“I did not immediately call the police as I feared being made into a public spectacle and my reputation being destroyed,” she said.

Destroyed reputation? Come on! These this is a high-powered Democrat we’re talking about here. I’m sure it would have been fine.

And can you imagine doing abdominal work on Al Gore? That would cost extra because you’d have to take a cab to get to the other side of him.

Of course, this is all merely alleged and the police didn’t feel there was enough to follow up on. But it seems like if the woman only wanted to extort money from Gore she’d have contacted him privately first instead of going to the police.

Either Al Gore didn’t do these things and the masseuse isn’t being truthful, or she is telling the truth and Al’s about to turn out to be the Tiger Woods of junk science — either way you can blame global warming.

Usually Al’s pickup line of “You know, I invented the Internet” is an automatic panty-melter — I don’t know what went wrong this time.

Update: I’m ashamed that I forgot to think of this: Blame Bush!

Update II: Reports say that the masseuse asked Gore if she could give him a “happy ending” and Al replied, “I doubt you alone can stop the ice caps from melting.”

(h/t HotAirPundit)

The Goracle Has Some Competition

Who is that competition? Muhammad, of course:

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To help with the cause of curbing climate change, Al Qaeda has pledged to only blow up hybrid cars. Everybody’s doing their part!

As of right now I haven’t figured out if Muslims are just starting to get into the “green” movement because they care about the environment, or because they found out there’s a lot of money in it.

From Van Helsing at Moonbattery:

Kristiane Backer scores a moonbat hat trick: an environmentalist Muslim spawned by the European version of the cultural cesspool MTV.

This is part of a new Islamic PR campaign:

A new Islamic propaganda campaign called ‘Inspired by Muhammad’ has been launched, and advertising posters are now going up in London featuring slogans such as ‘I believe in social justice. So did Muhammad’ and ‘I believe in women’s rights. So did Muhammad’. It’s hard to tell if this campaign is run by sadly deluded people who actually believe the slogans are accurate or if this is an example of dissimulation for a kufr audience.

The women’s rights one has to be my favorite (more about the woman on the poster here):

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Because when you think “women’s rights” you think “Islam.”

One thing’s for certain: Comedy Central won’t make any jokes about any of this.

A Consensus of Scientists Believe a Tabloid is Reporting That Al Gore Had an Affair; Updated

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The Star tabloid is claiming that Al Gore had what environmentalist adulterers call a “marriage offset.” And all this time I thought the couple split because Tipper caught Al listening to a Twisted Sister album.

Drudge had the siren out for this one:

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True, the Star is a tabloid, but it was a tabloid that broke the John Edwards story too. I’m not convinced yet though. Al Gore’s so big that he could go to bed alone and he’s still technically having a threesome, so we’ll have to wait and see.

Maybe that new mansion wasn’t for Tipper after all.

Update: The Star claims Gore has been melting the polar ice caps with Laurie David, ex-wife of Larry David, for the past two years. Laurie David produced “An Inconvenient Truth” and is an environmental hypocrite just like Al, so they do seem to have a lot in common. This isn’t the first time Laurie David has been linked to an affair. Saving the world makes you horny!

But, just to be safe, blame Bush for these rumors until everything is sorted out.

Update II: The day after Al Gore criticized the Obama administration and BP for censoring and limiting media coverage in the Gulf, a tabloid alleges a Gore affair? “Rahm works fast” says NRO’s Jim Geraghty.

Update III: Laurie David issues a denial, but in their story The Star says the science is settled on this matter, so we have no choice but to believe The Star.

Cart Before the Ass: Government Needs Help Deciding Just What the Hell a ‘Green Job’ Is

Having hinged the entire future of the country’s economy on “green jobs,” spent billions pushing them and created a Czar position for it, Team Obama now figures that it’s time to try and decide exactly what the hell a “green job” is — better late than never, I suppose:

Buried deep inside a federal newsletter on March 16 was something called a “notice of solicitation of comments” from the Bureau of Labor Statistics at the Department of Labor.

“BLS is responsible for developing and implementing the collection of new data on green jobs,” said the note in the Federal Register, which is widely read by government bureaucrats and almost never seen by the general public. But the notice said there is “no widely accepted standard definition of ‘green jobs.’” To help find that definition, the Labor Department asked that readers send in suggestions.

The notice came only after the department scoured studies from government, academia, and business in search of a definition. “The common thread through the studies and discussions is that green jobs are jobs related to preserving or restoring the environment,” the notice said. Duh! Beyond that, a precise definition has eluded Labor Department officials.

For any of you M*A*S*H fans, “green jobs” might remind you of the “Captain Tuttle” episode:

Hawkeye and Trapper invent a fictional Captain Tuttle (based on Hawkeye’s imaginary friend from childhood), but one thing leads to another and soon everyone at the camp believes Captain Tuttle is real. This creates problems when General Clayton decides to honor Tuttle by placing his picture in the newspaper and awarding him a medal.

Well, it’s time to put a picture of “green jobs” in the paper and award it a medal, so the scramble begins.