With that kind of financial hit, some of our weapons systems will be affected and need to be adjusted accordingly. Today, President Obama tested something that could be standard issue for our warriors in the field in this era of military austerity: The Marshmallow Cannon:

This is why Obama played the role of assignment editor today to get the word out. He wants China, North Korea and Iran to know that they are now officially on notice (from the looks of Kim Jong Un though, he’d probably beg to have marshmallows shot at him):

Fortunately, for some reason, Harrop agreed to be interviewed by the Daily Show’s John Oliver, and she seems blissfully unaware of the apparent contradiction:

In Harrop’s clouded version of reality I’m sure she went home from that thinking she got the better of the interviewer.

The American Celebrity Jackasses Liberties Union (ACJLU) has come to Baldwin’s defense and has accused the airline of profiling celebrity jackasses.

“This is a clear case of celebrity jackass profiling,” according to Francis Glanton, spokesman for the ACJLU. “You’d think the profiling of celebrity jackasses wouldn’t be tolerated in the 21st century, but it’s proof that we still have a long way to go before we have a world in which lowly service employees realize they can no longer get away with treating celebrities like second-rate non-celebrities.”

Baldwin’s attorney, Henry Knutt III, former lead counsel for the Pompous Douchebags Defense Fund, said his client is considering filing suit against the airline. “This kind of thing doesn’t happen on United,” Knutt pointed out. “On United Airlines they realize that celebrity jackasses are more important than the people who should actually be expected to follow the rules, such as insurance salesmen, housewives and various B-list actors. This incident was a clear-cut case of a jackass-o-phobic flight crew profiling somebody better than them and exploiting the situation just to get gratuitous mentions on my client’s Twitter feed.”

Baldwin has filed a formal complaint with American Airlines, and suggested that the only way the company could win him back as a customer would be to create a “celebrity jackass class” section where the famous wouldn’t have to abide by rules that are only intended for non-celebrity non-jackass society. “Only then can mankind truly be equal and all flights depart on time without being delayed by ignorant flight crews” exclaimed a defiant Baldwin.

Later, after being asked if he’d ever had Rice-a-Roni, Robertson said he never had a taste for Japanese food.