More kids visit Michael Jackson, amazingly enough, willingly

About 200 kids visited Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch on Friday. People still actually let their kids go to the place where “beat it” isn’t just a song? Amazing.

I hope when these kids get older and realize what their parents did, they reciprocate by sending ol’ mom and dad off for a weekend at Jack Kevorkian’s “amusement van” and see how they appreciate the gross negligence.

Let’s see, 200 kids at about $2.75 million a kid, that comes out to about… Well, I’ll do the math later. Just trying to help MJ balance his checkbook a little early.

Jimmy Carter: Hall monitor to the world

Former President Jimmy Carter, who will help supervise the Palestinian elections, is suggesting the the elections in Iraq be postponed…. Maybe he’s right. Hell, the misery index there is almost what it was in the U.S. under Carter’s watch in 1979.

Based on history, Carter’s opinion should be taken with…well… what’s smaller than a grain of salt?

Carter founded “The Carter Center” in 1982 to promote democracy and human rights, and jam its nose up the Cohiba smelling rump of Fidel Castro. Carter’s schoolboy style crush on Fidel Castro is about all we need to know about how Jimmy handles affairs, and why the only democracy we should expect to emerge in any country under his watch is a faux compromise between evil dictators and despots, and their frightened citizenry.

Jimmy’s “meet me half way” mediation settlements in troubled countries takes effect when Carter leaves, with the despot du jour still in power, and the citizens shocked to discover that “half way” is prison or a firing squad.

The last time Jimmy went to Cuba, he spoke on Cuban state television. During his visit, he was free to speak to any person he wished, and the Cuban government told its citizens that they were free to speak openly with Carter provided they were polite, courteous, and willing to risk spending the next 20 years in a labor camp.

Cuba, by the way, is still on President Bush’s so called “Axis of Evil” list along with Iran, North Korea, Libya, Syria, and Celine Dion.

Why does Carter take so well to Castro? Simple. The malaise, stagflation, low morale, bad leisure suit and disco years that were his presidency look good next to the human rights violations, oppression and violent iron fisted rule that is Castro’s Cuba. Carter has figured out what’s helped many an ex- president out of a bad legacy jam. You can’t change history, but you can alter your present company. As Rodney Dangerfield’s character eloquently put it in his movie Back to School, “If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.”

Stick to building houses, Jimmy.

Usually the UN's the one doing the bugging

A listening device was found in a room in the United Nations’ Geneva office.

There must have been some interesting conversations to be heard. Picture it– Kofi Annan is visiting the U.N. office in Geneva, and the phone rings:

“Mr. Annan… Jimmy Carter here.”

“Jimmy! Hello! You’re calling about the Palestinian elections no doubt. Lets start by discussing a timeline. You go first, Jimmy.”

“Thanks, Kofi, but I insist, you go first.”

“That’s very nice of you, but I defer to you, Mr. President.”

“No, really Mr. Secretary, you go first.”

“Should I have it voted on in general session, Jimmy?”

“Only if I can mediate the round-table discussion to form a fact-finding committee to negotiate a proper timeline.”

“Agreed.”


No word yet on who placed the bug in the U.N. or why they did it, but one thing is for certain: Police are searching for a suspect who is asleep.

Usually the UN’s the one doing the bugging

A listening device was found in a room in the United Nations’ Geneva office.

There must have been some interesting conversations to be heard. Picture it– Kofi Annan is visiting the U.N. office in Geneva, and the phone rings:

“Mr. Annan… Jimmy Carter here.”

“Jimmy! Hello! You’re calling about the Palestinian elections no doubt. Lets start by discussing a timeline. You go first, Jimmy.”

“Thanks, Kofi, but I insist, you go first.”

“That’s very nice of you, but I defer to you, Mr. President.”

“No, really Mr. Secretary, you go first.”

“Should I have it voted on in general session, Jimmy?”

“Only if I can mediate the round-table discussion to form a fact-finding committee to negotiate a proper timeline.”

“Agreed.”


No word yet on who placed the bug in the U.N. or why they did it, but one thing is for certain: Police are searching for a suspect who is asleep.

Chase-ing a total moron

At an awards ceremony put on by the “People for the American Way” (directions to the “American Way” involve a sharp left turn off a cliff), host of the event Chevy Chase spouted off against President Bush. That’s not surprising, but what Chase had to say was comical in an unintentional sort of way.

After some other expletive filled tripe, Chase said, “This guy in office is an uneducated, real lying schmuck…and we still couldn’t beat him with a bore like Kerry.”

Credit where credit is due– He’s half right.

I managed to learn that Chase was the Valedictorian of his high school class, and got a B.A. in english from Bard college, so he’s obviously in the position to call somebody with an MBA from Harvard and who is President of the United States “uneducated.”

Chase left the dinner a little early. Somebody said he hurt his back, no doubt at having lugged around all that misdirected hate all night. It certainly wasn’t from carrying good scripts or talk show offers.

More laughs. At the dinner, Alec Baldwin and Susan Sarandon accepted their “Defender of Democracy” awards. Who would have thought that United States could be defended soley by two vacuous actors armed only with pointed idiocy?

The only way liberals know how to make a business a success

The owner of a bakery in Lancaster, Pennsylvania has a picture of President Bush and the First Lady in his store. Well, that was just too much for City Council member Nelson Polite, whose bug up his ass was particularly ancy that day. Polite told the bakery owner to remove the pictures, since they’re offensive to area Democrats. The baker refused.

Nelson Polite vowed to pursue a city ordinance that would ban all political items from public places in the city (with the exception of nosey pesky liberal weenie Council members).

The funny part of the story: The bakery’s doing better than ever, thanks to the publicity that is bringing in supporters of the owner of the bakery, David Stoltzfus.

Who says liberals aren’t a friend of small business?