“I’m John Kerry, and I’m finally reporting for senate duty!”

On his first day back to work in the US Senate, John Kerry got a giddy standing ovation from his staff. It was just like MacArthur’s triumphant return to the Leyte beach in the Philippines in 1944… okay, it was nothing like that, except for a few wet pants.

Unless Noam Chomsky was elected and I haven’t heard about it, Kerry returns as the most liberal member of the senate– The first presidential candidate to return to the senate after a defeat since McGovern. I think Mondale tried, but the Democrats changed the locks.

Kerry told a reporter that he couldn’t rule out running for the presidency again in 2008. One glance around the Senate should make him aware of his enormous contributions to the dwindling pool of Democrats in the chamber, but he won’t attribute that to his positions on the issues, which are wildly unpopular outside the Massachusetts cotillion sect and meeting rooms of labor union leadership.

If the Democrats nominate Kerry yet again (a mistake they’d never again make… next time, they’ll find a completely different northeast liberal senator), the history books will refer to the first Tuesday in November of 2008 not as “election day”, but rather as “Little Bighorn II.”

Sure, Senator, feel free to run again.

This time, the only thing Viagra gets yanked are their ads

The FDA said that Pfizer’s new Viagra ads are misleading. Pfizer is pulling the ads, which the FDA says fails to mention major side effects, such as the ability to act as your own kickstand when you fall asleep, and for the suggestive nature of the ad itself.

The ad shows a man, and the voiceover says, “Remember the guy who used to be called ‘Wild Thing’? He’s back!”

This should make women cringe. Her man was probably called “Wild thing” back in college because he would drink a fifth of JD, smoke a doobie the size of a rolled up Sunday edition of The New York Times, and stick his johnson in an electric cow milker while crushing empty Bud cans on his forehead.

Women don’t want “the one that was called ‘Wild Thing'” back. Trust me, Pfizer. Better to pull the ads.

Born again Christians get Keillor hauled

On Garrison Keillor’s post election show on PBS, he said there should be a constitutional amendment to ban born again Christians from voting. Too bad there’s not a constitutional amendment to make them listen to PBS, because not many BAC’s heard that bit, and those who did have it on probably need an additional amendment to wake them up.

Notice Keillor doesn’t dislike them enough to call for an amendment to prevent PBS from accepting money taken from BAC’s via taxation, which is then used as a support joist for an ivory tower which tilts so far to the left that, without it, would collapse into a rubble pile full of round wire rimmed glasses, arrogance, bow ties, Birkenstocks and veggie burgers.

No, born again Christians aren’t yet stupid enough that Keillor and Company feel it’s an insult to confiscate their money and use it to blast out their liberal tripe, but you sure can’t trust BAC’s to go into a voting booth to exercise a right to complain about it.

Email of the week…so far.

From a supposedly young man named Robert, in a letter with the subject line “UR WRONG!” I assume this is about a column I wrote on Hollywood, and, I imagine, Joe McCarthy’s “Subversive Celebrity Dossier“:

I dont agree with you at all. You are way unfair about Barbra Streisand. She is the coolest person on earth and this is coming from a 16 year old. I have been a Streisand Fan since I was 2.I would pay hundreds to see her if i had it. Ps. She wouldn’t spell anything wrong she graduated early from Eramus High School and as one of the top people of her class.

Well Robert, I’ll go with the assumption that you’re a young man who loves Streisand. I can only say a three things: 1) There’s no accounting for taste, 2) Yes, Barbra does have a fine singing voice, and 3) Keep it up and you may someday have to get used to the title of “Mr. Liza Minelli.”

James Carville helps this "Meet the Press" viewer find religion…now I'm worshipping the porcelain God

On “Meet the Press” this past Sunday, James Carville pulled out an egg and smashed it on his head, covering his dome and mug with slimy yolk, the egg oozing down his face, filling every warlock-like feature with a breakfast food I’ll never again touch. He did it to demonstrate how he had egg on his face after predicting Kerry would win the election. No demostration was necessary.

So, if I seem a bit off my game today, it’s because I’m still recovering after witnessing something that would have made even the hardiest of iron-bellied Cajuns projectile-hurl their gumbo halfway across Shreveport.

James Carville helps this “Meet the Press” viewer find religion…now I’m worshipping the porcelain God

On “Meet the Press” this past Sunday, James Carville pulled out an egg and smashed it on his head, covering his dome and mug with slimy yolk, the egg oozing down his face, filling every warlock-like feature with a breakfast food I’ll never again touch. He did it to demonstrate how he had egg on his face after predicting Kerry would win the election. No demostration was necessary.

So, if I seem a bit off my game today, it’s because I’m still recovering after witnessing something that would have made even the hardiest of iron-bellied Cajuns projectile-hurl their gumbo halfway across Shreveport.

Shameless plug o' the week

This week’s column is about the abject trauma and chronic misery of Post Election Stress Trauma, or PEST. Symptoms of those afflicted include mild depression, fatigue, and perpetual insistance on nominating and supporting the unelectable. Check it out here.

Update: Patients who have been treated for PEST are talking about their therapy sessions. One particular woman in this story said it helped her a great deal. She was very concerned, in part, with economic issues. The doctor dealt with it effectively by charging her for the session so she would walk out with less money. See? Bush is bad for her economy. Her feelings validated, she left the session with her head held high, her formerly heavy heart replaced by a light wallet.

Shameless plug o’ the week

This week’s column is about the abject trauma and chronic misery of Post Election Stress Trauma, or PEST. Symptoms of those afflicted include mild depression, fatigue, and perpetual insistance on nominating and supporting the unelectable. Check it out here.

Update: Patients who have been treated for PEST are talking about their therapy sessions. One particular woman in this story said it helped her a great deal. She was very concerned, in part, with economic issues. The doctor dealt with it effectively by charging her for the session so she would walk out with less money. See? Bush is bad for her economy. Her feelings validated, she left the session with her head held high, her formerly heavy heart replaced by a light wallet.

Clinton Presidential Library to open Thursday, visitors will flock to "impeachment wing"… no kidding…stop laughing

Chappaqua (which is an Algonquin word for “Land where heap big adulterer sleep on couch”) will be two people lighter this week, because the Clintons will be in Little Rock for a grand opening, and not one that will get Bill into trouble this time.

Bill Clinton’s presidential library, which, fittingly, looks like a trailer that slid halfway off the truck, will have the grand opening this Thursday. I’ll give them points for not running from the past, because the library will have an area dedicated to Clinton’s impeachment.

This could be good business sense. If the exact replica of the Oval Office is interactive, they’ll discover a whole lot of paying customers.

For $165 million, I hope they did make the museum interactive. These people could make a fortune by charging a premium for rides in “the Monica simulator.” Guys would be lined up five deep clear around the corner to pay $20 a head … (Hang on while I try to figure out a way to reword the previous sentence…) OK, they’d be lined up five deep clear around the corner to pay $20 a person.

Visitors could also try their luck on the “Rodham cowboy!” an electronic bull in the likeness of the New York senator and former first lady. Riders insert $5 into the receptacle, whisper, “I got caught schtupping another tubby intern” into the built-in microphone, and see how many seconds they can hold on before being thrown off.

“Decipher that Dick” would definitely be a crowd favorite. Contestants win great prizes if they can pick up the phone in the Oval Office, and are able to understand what Dick Morris is mumbling while his mouth is full of a hooker’s toes.

The “Clinton Library Apprentice” would also be a big hit. Players in this game pay to compete to see who can find out which of the library’s employees used to work in the White House Travel Office, and be the first to tell them, “you’re fired.” Winners get Bill’s “Walt Whitman’s Sampler”– a box containing four truffles and a copy of “Leaves of Grass.”

Watch out, Arkansas… the Clinton’s are back in town.