Does anybody keep New Years resolutions?

I’ve never met anybody who has actually kept a New Years resolution.

Oh sure, some people can keep a resolution for even up to a few days. Quitting smoking, stop drinking, better diet, make some more money, stop calling the neighbors kid fat, stop yelling at the video clerk because they’re out of the last copy of “Goodwill Humping”, “Buffy The Vampire Layer”, or “Lawrence of a Labia” even when you phoned ahead and reserved the damn thing two days ago.

For the most part our New Years resolutions last about as long as a Twinkie in Michael Moore’s stomach acid.

It takes a light amount of insanity to make New Years resolutions, because you know it’ll fail, but you do it anyway. When I say “insane,” I’m not talking about the serious, foaming at the mouth derelicts you see whackin’ off in bus stops across the nation. They obviously made no New Years resolutions at all, and good for them! No, I’m talking about a “light insanity,” the sort of gentle craziness that makes Leif Garrett think he can still get Nicolette Sheridan back. These are the people who make resolutions.

That much said, my New Years resolution for 2005 is to once again make no resolutions. I know I can keep that one!

Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: