Up And Atom: Ben & Jerry's Goes Nuclear, "For The Children"

My cousin Mike, who’s in the Air Force and stationed in Japan, tipped me off to this one.

As you know, the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream company are responsible stewards of all-things liberal, and they don’t disappoint in their newest campaign, called “American Pie.” The leather on the Birkenstocks of the corporate world’s equivalent of Berkeley has been chapped, and they’re not going to take it anymore.

Basically what the “American Pie” awareness campaign is about is this: The United States spends too much money on nuclear proliferation, and not enough on health care and “lifting kids out of poverty.” How do we help our children? Tax cuts to relieve stress on working families? Nope. It turns out the answer is found inside a quart of “Chunky Socialist Monkey.”

This from their website:

America stands first in nuclear defense capabilities and first in nuclear defense expenditures among industrialized countries. And it’s not even close!

But America ranks only…
14th in efforts to lift children out of poverty;
18th in the percentage of children in poverty;
And last (yes, last!) in providing health insurance for all children.

It might make you wonder if something is out-of-whack with the U.S. federal discretionary spending pie. Perhaps some slices are too big, while others are too small?

It’s strange though that America also ranks near, if not at, the top of the list for childhood obesity (which apparently culminates in a liberal preoccupation with the size of pie slices). We’ll get to that in a second.

I wish I had time for a quick analysis of those numbers, but what it boils down to is this: Ben & Jerry’s rankings (1st in nuclear spending vs. 14th in lifting kids out of poverty) for the United States is like saying, “Dr. Phil ranks 1st in how much he spends on suits, but 210th on hair brush expenditures.”

I’m the first to agree that the government wastes money. That’s a given, but I wish liberals would be as budget-conscious across the board.

Call me kooky, but I consider “nuclear deterrence” to be one whopper of a health-care item. What good is Head Start and “free” prescription drugs to a smoldering pile of ashes formerly known as an American family? It’s that “#1 in defense capability” that enables Ben & Jerry’s to be free to be so completely doofy about the rest of it.

Hell, making stuff that will blow our enemies to kingdome come is one of the only things the government does right, so let’s let ’em do it and leave the raising of the kids up to the parents.

I’ll tell you what, Ben & Jerry’s, I’ll jump on board with your call for a $13 billion cut in U.S. nuclear spending, provided we cut all other government expenditures an equal percentage and the money is sent back to American families in the form of a tax cut. We’ll do what’s best with it.

Ah, but there’s the rub. We’re stupid, at least Ben & Jerry’s (and every other liberal in the U.S.) thinks so, hence the calls for an increased government nanny role.

The reason so many people can’t afford health care and quality education are because liberal tie-dye brained pinheads like Ben & Jerry’s have infiltrated government, which has culminated in half our paychecks – that would have gone to caring for our kids — instead going to Washington, where it’s subject to an 85% processing fee, and then a sliver of that is sent back to your community for health care and education– oh, and usually to somebody else’s kid.

By the way, speaking of health care, the United States ranks very high in the rate of childhood obesity. This leads to heart disease, diabetes, and many other ailments. Thanks for this is due in no small part to ice cream, without which, to some degree, health care would be just that much more of a moot point. The U.S. ranks second only to New Zealand in ice cream consumption per capita.

As far as the Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Company and their relationship to the health of children is concerned, the bumper sticker “Save the planet, kill yourself” is apropos advice.

Bonus question:

If obesity is a major killer which is reaching the same level as smoking, how come cigarette companies are “evil” and an ice cream company is recognized as “socially responsible”?

Ben & Jerry’s: Caring for the health of American youth since 1978.


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Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. MichelleMalkin.com alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: WriteDoug@Live.com.