Ted Turner vs. Sanity: This Match is Scheduled for 3 Falls

I’m convinced that there’s a certain level of economic freedom humans can reach at which going nuts is, if not mandatory, overwhelmingly tempting. Ted Turner reached that level long ago.

This latest Turner verbal BM may or may not shock you. This time Ted told a National Press Club meeting that, after President Bush said “you’re either with us, or against us,” he wasn’t sure which side he was on.

We’re used to goofy things coming out of Ted’s mustached Evian-hole though. In 2002, Turner told a London newspaper that Israel’s reactions against the Palestinians to the murder of its citizens is the equivalent of terrorism. He later backpedaled like an out of control BMX racer careening down the north face of Mt. Everest, but in typical Turner fashion, it was too late.

One fall…

Blurting out complete bunk and then trying to take it back before everyone realizes that you’re insane is like breaking wind and then trying to blame the dog. Turner’s problem is that, when he breaks wind and tries to blame the dog, there’s no dog in the room. He hopes we don’t notice. We do.

That same year, Turner said the 9/11 terrorists were “brave” but also said they were “a little nuts.” Ted was no doubt bothered at the latter because they were infringing on his copyright.

Two falls…

Remember when Ted married Jane Fonda? That was back when we thought Jane was the crazy one. It’s awfully difficult to get on the opposite end of the crazy scale and outweigh a feminist who has the nerve to get breast implants and other plastic surgeries. That’s like Louis Farrakhan enhancing his endowment by stuffing his pants with matzah balls, but Ted still had Jane outweighed in several different areas. Then they got divorced, and it looks as though Ted so traumatized Jane that he chased her into the arms of Jesus, who up until then was doing His best to hide from both of them.

As a staunch environmentalist, Turner clearly thinks that the private sector is responsible for polluting our land and billowing filth into the air. They’re responsible for it, that is, unless the “private sector” happens to be Ted Turner. It’s said that Ted Turner is the single largest landowner in the country. According to an interview with Turner that appeared in Modern Maturity Magazine, he not only keeps the vast majority of his land, some 1,700,000 of it, in a natural and pristine condition — he also just plain keeps it.

The lesson? The achieving of the same American dream that made Turner a billionaire should stop with him, since we’re so stupid that you or I would plunder the land. Thank God for Ted Turner’s hogging property. It’s okay though, because I’m sure that the land that now holds the gigantic CNN building in Atlanta, sports stadiums, and Turner’s other properties, was in rotten and decrepit condition in the first place and deserved development.

Three falls, submission hold…

You also can’t help but laugh when you see the racially sensitive Turner watching his “Braves” and doing the “tomahawk chop” along with the rest of the crowd in the stands. Wow, what a way to honor our “indigenous Americans.” If he goes on championing minority causes in this manner, soon we’ll be attending a Braves game honoring the civil rights movement on “Howza bout’s a shine, boy” night.

Almost a decade ago, Turner gave a billion dollars to the U.N. to help finance the fight against the very free market systems that enabled him to be able to donate that amount in the first place.

The list goes on.

Sanity taps out, match over…


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Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. MichelleMalkin.com alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: WriteDoug@Live.com.