Interview With The 300 Millionth Person in the United States

I’m here live in the United States awaiting the arrival of the 300 millionth person in the country.

What a ride it’s been, ladies and gentlemen! There are 100 million more people in the United States now than there were just 39 years go, and there’s more to the reason why than just Shawn Kemp.

I see we’re just about to arrive at this historic moment. One final push and…yes! The 300 millionth person is here! There’s the slap on the bottom and some crying. That’s always a good sign. He appears to be a healthy, bouncing male. What a glorious moment. High-fives and jubilation all around! The crowd is going nuts — let me see if I can make my way over to be the first to talk to the 300 millionth person in the United States.

Excuse me, excuse me. Hello! Doug Powers with Congratulations on being the 300 millionth person in America!


You’re welcome. You must be thrilled to be here.


Tell me, there were many who said you couldn’t or even shouldn’t do it…

Patrulla de fronteras y Congresista Tancredo?

Well, not just the border patrol and Congressman Tancredo, but the people who are concerned that there are already too many people in the United States, many not here legally.

Eche lejos el Osmonds para hacer sitio.

Sure, I guess we could throw out the Osmonds to make more room.

Dónde encuentre Paris Hilton?

When do you meet Paris Hilton? Well… I don’t know if you can…

Todos obtiene sexo con ella.

Uh, I’m not sure everybody gets to sleep with her. Let’s get back on point. Tell me… America wants to know, what will you do next?

Cuál manera ningún costo médico cuidado?

Where’s the free medical care? Well, there’s a hospital over there…

Cuál manera a la oficina del bienestar?

The welfare office? I suppose there’s one in town.

Dónde está la educación libre?

Which way to the free education? If you call the United States government and they’ll be more than happy to help you and your family.

Gracias. Venga en niños! Adiós periodista…

And there he goes, with his … six … seven … eight children in tow, off to grab hold of the American dream! I don’t think there’s a dry eye in the house right now. We can’t know for sure if those are tears or remnants of the Rio Grande, but in any case, we welcome the 300 millionth person in the United States! Actually, I’ve seen about 50 walk by just during this interview, so we’re now well over that number by now.

Join us in July of 2007 for the arrival of the 400 millionth person in the United States! We’ll see you then!


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Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: