Bombaholics Anonymous: Jihad Rehab in 12 Easy Steps

Yeah, I know; “Jihad rehab? You’re f-in kiddin’ me, right?”

Nope, I’m not kidding:

U.S. lawmakers considering the closure of the controversial Guantanamo Bay detention center will probably be looking at a rehabilitation program in Saudi Arabia that focuses on religious re-education for captured jihadists.

This program is run by the Saudi Arabian government, but if the U.S. sends Gitmo prisoners over there, you know the “new and improved” U.S. Government will have a say in their rehab. Should this occur, just to help move things along, I’ve taken the liberty of writing the following:

12-step program for bombaholics who the U.S. Government sends to Jihad Rehab

1. We admitted we were powerless over Jihad — that our bombings, shootings and beheadings had become unmanageable and that we have a disease caused by others.

2. Came to believe that only a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity — praise be to Obama.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of pacifying American politicians after being promised that we might end up with some stimulus cash in return for not killing infidels.

4. Made a fearless moral inventory on the “pros” and the “cons” of slaughtering non-believers and noted how the “pro” list is heavily influenced by the effects of man-made global warming.

5. Wrote to Al Gore about step 4.

6. Were entirely ready to have Jimmy Carter apologize profusely for the defects of character of those who angered us.

7. Wrote op-ed published in the New York Times outlining America’s shortcomings and pledged to limit our stonings to only those caught drinking liquor, and whores.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to explain to all of them what they did wrong that caused it to happen and pledged to help them correct it.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever Harry Reid is available to broker their confession of wrongdoing, except when to do so would harm my self esteem.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, blamed everything on Bush.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with those who might try to get us kicked off US Airways flights even after our successful rehabilitation.

12. Having had a magical awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to bombaholics, and to practice these principles at all future Al Qaeda planning sessions.


“Our ‘Ping pong paddles for belt bombs’ program is going great,” according to the manager of the Jihad Rehab Center.

Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: