Jokes That Won’t Be Told at Tonight’s White House Correspondents Dinner

nullThe White House Correspondents Dinner traditionally features a headlining comedian who oftens makes jokes at the expense of the president and/or his staff who are looking on helplessly like sitting ducks. The most cutting of these in recent memory were Stephen Colbert in 2006, and Don Imus ripping apart the Clintons back in 1996.

But since Obama has been president, there’s been a distinct lack of any comedian brave enough to directly mock Hope. Sure, they poke fun of some innocent ancillary stuff (Biden’s hair, teleprompters, etc.) but The One himself is rarely directly the butt of the joke.

Tonight, lesbian comedian and Obama fan, Wanda Sykes, will headline the Correspondents Dinner. Will it be butt-kissingly lame (making “jokes” about how much everybody loves Barack and how he can walk on water), or will she surprise everybody with some real zingers? That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.

Here are some we probably won’t hear Sykes perform, but I wish we would:

“Sorry I’m late… Louis Caldera was my cabbie and he thought it would be a good idea to drive me by the Statue of Liberty for a photo-op.”

“Incidentally, Caldera was also going to be the person who ordered the Navy SEALS to rescue Captain Phillips from the Somali pirates if that had turned out badly.”

“In an effort to ensure that terror suspects killed under orders of the administration are completely legal in the eyes of the president, ‘killed terrorists’ will now be referred to as ‘really late term abortions’.”

“The White House says that the president had no prior knowledge of that 747 buzzing of Manhattan. Is it really a good idea to entrust our national security to somebody who can’t even install The Club on his own jet?”

“Barack Obama hasn’t denied any knowledge of a buzz since he smoked a bowl with William Ayers.”

“And I don’t know about you, but I sleep better at night knowing that a White House aide can scramble F-16’s without anybody else knowing about it. This way, if the s*#t comes down while Obama’s teleprompter is unplugged, somebody can still order planes to bomb New York to appease an enemy like at the end of Fail-Safe.”

“If you’re wondering why the president is in a good mood, it’s because he’s glad to be finished with his annual physical. During his colonoscopy doctors removed two benign polyps and the White House Press Corps.”

“This morning I took a walk through the National Cemetery — or as ACORN calls it, a ‘recruiting trip’.”

“Things are getting weirder and weirder. Barack Obama is now running an auto company, and yesterday I read that Lee Iacocca was taking over control of the Black Panthers.”

“Michelle Obama is also here tonight. The First Lady just taped an episode of Sesame Street but walked off the set after seeing a segment featuring The Count holding photos of Barack’s cabinet members and saying, ‘Two… two tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah. Three… three tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah…'”

“After it was clear her husband would be president, Michelle said that for the first time in her adult life she was proud of America. If everybody thought this way, there would only be 44 women in the history of the U.S. who were proud of the country. And they called Ivana Trump high maintenance?”

“The Obamas just received a dog as a gift from Senator Ted Kennedy. Barack thinks Bo will be a good travel companion just as soon as they can get him to stop getting the runs and jumping out of the car whenever the motorcade is heading toward a bridge.”

“In closing, I’d like to say thank you to the man who is responsible for all this. I’d like to, but George Soros isn’t here tonight. They don’t let George and Barack in the same room anymore because the last time they did, Joe Biden got tangled up in the puppet strings.”

I hope this helps, Wanda, but I doubt you’ll do anything remotely similar.

Update: I was right. Sykes’ most “vicious” material about Obama was a light-hearted jab at the fact that he’s “half-black” — otherwise the barbs were aimed at the GOP, Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh, who Sykes accused of “treason.”

The joke ABC Radio played during a news break about the dinner was one about Dick Cheney. To read most accounts, you’d hardly know that Obama was in the room.

Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: