NEW YORK (PNN): A shocking and strongly worded op-ed in The New York Times that is signed by an “A. Hitler” has generated controversy for comparing President Obama to Rush Limbaugh. Additionally, the guest column — which appears in the paper above a brief bio claiming the author to be the “founder of the thousand-year Reich,” also draws similarities between the “tea party” movement and various forum commentators at the Huffington Post and Daily Kos. All sides are now offended and demanding an apology from “A. Hitler.”
The column ran in this morning’s edition of The New York Times and can be found just under the “US Troop Movements Today” feature.
In the op-ed, Hitler writes, “None of you morons know what real evil is. You all keep comparing each other to me and those who did my bidding, when in fact you all have more in common with each other than with me. Have any of you jerkweeds ever read a history book? I seized power, couldn’t be voted out of office, murdered millions and millions of innocent people and turned Europe into something so ugly you would have mistaken it for Henry Waxman, and yet you use swastikas to symbolize a bunch of American government retards who couldn’t find their own huge asses with two hands and a map? They couldn’t kill millions of people if they tried, because the only thing those statist, dependency-culture, government teet-peddling ninnies have done is to create an opposition that is more armed than they are. Not very bright if you ask me, and certainly not worthy of the Nazi label. Frankly, I’m offended.”
Hitler’s diatribe continues: “In fact, none of you hyperbolizing pinheads are as evil as me… probably the closest things you have are James Carville, Bryant Gumbel and those corpulent, mentally-challenged bobbleheads on The View, but they’re still miles away from the hellborn monstrosity that I am. Cheapening the meaning of ‘Nazi’ only means that you won’t recognize a real one when he comes along, you idiots.”
“Your ‘Speaker of the House’ Nancy Pelosi, with the face that is stretched thinner than my supply lines during the Battle of the Bulge, has said that voters who are objecting to being robbed by schweinhunds like, well, Nancy Pelosi, are ‘carrying Swastikas’. Why people who show up to these Jerry Springer shows disguised as Townhall meetings precisely for the reason of voicing opposition to the National Socialism movement that I hold dear would be carrying one of the symbols of National Socialism run amok is anybody’s guess. But you never know, American voters aren’t very bright. After all, they elect lying, slimy f[expletive deleted]kheads like Nancy Pelosi over and over again.”
“Honestly, I don’t feel sorry for any of you ‘tea party’ types. If the private citizens can’t defeat over-educated, under-competent real-world-challenged nanny-state pushers who can’t even pull off a f[expletive deleted]g car sale or take a leak without a teleprompter, you should be compared to the Three Stooges, but certainly not to me or anything that symbolizes me. The America that helped defeat me would have had no problem getting rid of the current scourge, but I guess that America doesn’t exist anymore — who says the U.S. won the war? I’d claim ultimate victory based on this fact, but all that would do is lend credence to your ridiculous ‘Hitler’ and ‘Nazi’ comparisons, so I won’t.”
Hitler closed the essay this way: “The only valid comparison of an American politician to me were from those who used to draw little mustaches on George W. Bush and portray him dressed as a Nazi. Just kidding — those Birkenstock-brained campus lifers were pathetic losers with no sense of historical scope too.”
It’s not known if the op-ed is a hoax, or if somehow Hitler himself has managed to reach out from his seat on the end of Satan’s fork at the Hades Bar & Grill to publish the controversial column. A New York Times spokesman was unable to be interviewed for this article because he was laid off due to budget cuts just before our scheduled phone call.