I Love the Smell of Counter-Boycott in the Morning

nullLet’s see, the incomplete list of advertisers caving to lib pressure and pulling ads from Glenn Beck’s Fox News program includes Sargento Cheese, GEICO, Progressive Insurance, State Farm, Men’s Wearhouse, S.C. Johnson, Procter & Gamble, Lawyers.com, Radio Shack, Healthy Choice (ConAgra), Ally Bank, Plavix (Sanofi-Aventis), Travelocity, Wal-Mart, CVS, and Broadview Security.

And of course there’s a growing move to counter-boycott the boycotters. Then of course there are the far left feminists who are boycotting the word “boycott” and pledging to not boycott anything until the word is changed to “girlcott,” or at the very least “peoplecott.”

I’ve joined the counter-boycott in my own way. In the name of full disclosure, I’ve done some writing for Beck, but the checks have already cleared, so I don’t have a financial dog in this fight at the moment. Besides, I’m not a fan of boycotts that are caused by one person’s opinion, be they Glenn Beck or that perma-offended MSNBC talking head who’s always grimacing as if he’s getting a colonoscopy with a rose bush, Keith Olbermann.

So let’s run down the list of Beck show advertisers who I can and can’t counter-boycott…

I used to buy Sargento, but I was buying cheese at the store this weekend, and, even though Sargento’s shredded cheese was cheaper, I couldn’t help but to buy another brand. A cheese company that caves in to outside pressure so quickly just isn’t what I’m looking for when it comes to finding something sturdy enough to hold up my soufflé.

As for Mens Wearhouse, I never shop there anyway — I don’t trust a suit that costs less than the duffle bag it comes in.

GEICO, State Farm and Progressive Insurance? How bright can these insurance companies possibly be for caving into pressure from people who want to put private insurance companies out of business? I wish my car insurance agent was this self-loathing, because I’d be able to guilt-trip him into letting me miss a few premium payments. When the great national takeover of the private sector is complete, I won’t be weeping for these three companies, that’s for sure.

And how is Radio Shack still in business anyway? Their prices and service would indicate that they’re run by the government now, but still, any place that sells batteries, radios and communication devices is stupid for alienating Beck’s audience, which is stocking up on supplies for Armageddon. If I ran Radio Shack, I’d not only cancel the Beck ad boycott, I’d triple the amount of commercials I ran on his show and add guns, ammo, bottled water, garden weasels and power generators to my product line.

Then there’s Healthy Choice, whose micro-wave dinners taste like giblets marinated in a sweaty jock strap. I’ve eaten Healthy Choice before, but only if we’re out of rice cakes and spinach, so there’s really nothing for me to boycott there because I do it already.

I only clot during income tax prep season or Yoko Ono concerts, so I have no need for Plavix at the moment, so that’s already out.

I’ve used Travelocity before, but if we decide to leave the country once and for all, there’s always Priceline, so no more Travelocity for me.

I do shop from time to time at Wal-Mart, and the left’s boycott is especially befuddling to me. Liberals would like nothing more but than for Wal-Mart to go out of business, and yet Wal-Mart bends over backward to accommodate the left’s prattling about Beck? Because of their boycott, I’d wish for Wal-Mart to go out of business now, too, except that taxpayers would get stuck paying to send the contents of all their defunct stores back to China, further bankrupting this nation into oblivion. Then of course Obamacare rules would mandate the euthenasia of the unemployed Wal-Mart greeters, and I’d hate to see that happen.

How in the world are liberals effectively carrying out an ongoing Wal-Mart boycott? I thought those staunch defenders of the right to collective bargain and “living wages” didn’t shop there anyway. What gives?

I don’t use Broadview Security, because I believe in an “on site” security force as provided by the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, so I’m unable to counter-boycott this company as well. I’ve just never been comfortable letting my family’s security hinge on whether or not a 22-year-old widget anthropology major — who’s 750 miles away and preoccupied with cramming for his final exam and texting back and forth with Sally Bigrack at the Sorority House — is paying the least bit of attention to the blinking red light on his computer screen. Now, if Broadview Security came out with a product that sounded an alarm every time a Democrat broke into my paycheck, we might be on to something — though I’d never get any sleep.

Lawyers.com is of no use to me, and it’s even more useless since their Beck boycott. I hate lawyers, and will act as my own counsel if I’m ever in trouble — I’d rather have a fool for a client than an easily influenced wimp for an attorney.

As for CVS Pharmacies and P&G’s pharmaceuticals wing, I’ll gladly die from not getting my medication before giving my business to companies who jumped at the chance to fellate this administration with such vigor that they’ve developed hope-induced TMJ.

In case you forgot what started all this, it was Beck calling Obama “racist,” but Sargento Cheese decided to “reallocate their ad money” to other programs because of Beck’s “joke” about poisoning Nancy Pelosi. Given Pelosi’s public approval rating, I’m frankly shocked that there was anybody left to complain. The complaints must have come from her team of plastic surgeons, who have a vested interest in keeping the Speaker around for a many more years.

Here’s exactly what happened that night. You be the judge — as for me, because Sargento’s humor sphincter is shut so tight, I’ve decided to reallocate my cheese money to other brands until further notice:

Author: Doug Powers

Doug Powers is a writer, editor and commentator covering news of the day from a conservative viewpoint with an occasional shot of irreverence and a chaser of snark. Townhall Media writer/editor. MichelleMalkin.com alum. Bowling novice. Long-suffering Detroit Lions fan. Contact: WriteDoug@Live.com.