I Love the Smell of Counter-Boycott in the Morning

nullLet’s see, the incomplete list of advertisers caving to lib pressure and pulling ads from Glenn Beck’s Fox News program includes Sargento Cheese, GEICO, Progressive Insurance, State Farm, Men’s Wearhouse, S.C. Johnson, Procter & Gamble, Lawyers.com, Radio Shack, Healthy Choice (ConAgra), Ally Bank, Plavix (Sanofi-Aventis), Travelocity, Wal-Mart, CVS, and Broadview Security.

And of course there’s a growing move to counter-boycott the boycotters. Then of course there are the far left feminists who are boycotting the word “boycott” and pledging to not boycott anything until the word is changed to “girlcott,” or at the very least “peoplecott.”

I’ve joined the counter-boycott in my own way. In the name of full disclosure, I’ve done some writing for Beck, but the checks have already cleared, so I don’t have a financial dog in this fight at the moment. Besides, I’m not a fan of boycotts that are caused by one person’s opinion, be they Glenn Beck or that perma-offended MSNBC talking head who’s always grimacing as if he’s getting a colonoscopy with a rose bush, Keith Olbermann.

So let’s run down the list of Beck show advertisers who I can and can’t counter-boycott…

I used to buy Sargento, but I was buying cheese at the store this weekend, and, even though Sargento’s shredded cheese was cheaper, I couldn’t help but to buy another brand. A cheese company that caves in to outside pressure so quickly just isn’t what I’m looking for when it comes to finding something sturdy enough to hold up my soufflé.

As for Mens Wearhouse, I never shop there anyway — I don’t trust a suit that costs less than the duffle bag it comes in.

GEICO, State Farm and Progressive Insurance? How bright can these insurance companies possibly be for caving into pressure from people who want to put private insurance companies out of business? I wish my car insurance agent was this self-loathing, because I’d be able to guilt-trip him into letting me miss a few premium payments. When the great national takeover of the private sector is complete, I won’t be weeping for these three companies, that’s for sure.

And how is Radio Shack still in business anyway? Their prices and service would indicate that they’re run by the government now, but still, any place that sells batteries, radios and communication devices is stupid for alienating Beck’s audience, which is stocking up on supplies for Armageddon. If I ran Radio Shack, I’d not only cancel the Beck ad boycott, I’d triple the amount of commercials I ran on his show and add guns, ammo, bottled water, garden weasels and power generators to my product line.

Then there’s Healthy Choice, whose micro-wave dinners taste like giblets marinated in a sweaty jock strap. I’ve eaten Healthy Choice before, but only if we’re out of rice cakes and spinach, so there’s really nothing for me to boycott there because I do it already.

I only clot during income tax prep season or Yoko Ono concerts, so I have no need for Plavix at the moment, so that’s already out.

I’ve used Travelocity before, but if we decide to leave the country once and for all, there’s always Priceline, so no more Travelocity for me.

I do shop from time to time at Wal-Mart, and the left’s boycott is especially befuddling to me. Liberals would like nothing more but than for Wal-Mart to go out of business, and yet Wal-Mart bends over backward to accommodate the left’s prattling about Beck? Because of their boycott, I’d wish for Wal-Mart to go out of business now, too, except that taxpayers would get stuck paying to send the contents of all their defunct stores back to China, further bankrupting this nation into oblivion. Then of course Obamacare rules would mandate the euthenasia of the unemployed Wal-Mart greeters, and I’d hate to see that happen.

How in the world are liberals effectively carrying out an ongoing Wal-Mart boycott? I thought those staunch defenders of the right to collective bargain and “living wages” didn’t shop there anyway. What gives?

I don’t use Broadview Security, because I believe in an “on site” security force as provided by the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution, so I’m unable to counter-boycott this company as well. I’ve just never been comfortable letting my family’s security hinge on whether or not a 22-year-old widget anthropology major — who’s 750 miles away and preoccupied with cramming for his final exam and texting back and forth with Sally Bigrack at the Sorority House — is paying the least bit of attention to the blinking red light on his computer screen. Now, if Broadview Security came out with a product that sounded an alarm every time a Democrat broke into my paycheck, we might be on to something — though I’d never get any sleep.

Lawyers.com is of no use to me, and it’s even more useless since their Beck boycott. I hate lawyers, and will act as my own counsel if I’m ever in trouble — I’d rather have a fool for a client than an easily influenced wimp for an attorney.

As for CVS Pharmacies and P&G’s pharmaceuticals wing, I’ll gladly die from not getting my medication before giving my business to companies who jumped at the chance to fellate this administration with such vigor that they’ve developed hope-induced TMJ.

In case you forgot what started all this, it was Beck calling Obama “racist,” but Sargento Cheese decided to “reallocate their ad money” to other programs because of Beck’s “joke” about poisoning Nancy Pelosi. Given Pelosi’s public approval rating, I’m frankly shocked that there was anybody left to complain. The complaints must have come from her team of plastic surgeons, who have a vested interest in keeping the Speaker around for a many more years.

Here’s exactly what happened that night. You be the judge — as for me, because Sargento’s humor sphincter is shut so tight, I’ve decided to reallocate my cheese money to other brands until further notice:

Stimulus Dollars at Work (But Mostly Play)

I just can’t believe the economy isn’t chugging along like crazy yet with great “investments” like this:

The National Endowment for the Arts may be spending some of the money it received from the Recovery and Reinvestment Act to fund nude simulated-sex dances, Saturday night “pervert” revues and the airing of pornographic horror films at art houses in San Francisco.

The NEA was given $80 million of the government’s $787 billion economic stimulus bill to spread around to needy artists nationwide, and most of the money is being spent to help preserve jobs in museums, orchestras, theaters and dance troupes that have been hit hard by the recession.
[…]
But some of the NEA’s grants are spicing up more than the economy. A few of their more risque choices have some taxpayer advocates hot under the collar, including a $50,000 infusion for the Frameline film house, which recently screened Thundercrack, “the world’s only underground kinky art porno horror film, complete with four men, three women and a gorilla.”

Here’s just one of the important jobs we, and future generations, are funding:

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“Emergency funding”? Was the guy in grave danger of not being able to complete his somersault, or do they need money to finish making a bike rack out of him?

Remember, the next time you’re in San Francisco’s Castro District and you see the following “Re-investment and Recovery Act” sign outside your favorite art house, it means your tax dollars are hard at work inside. Be proud, America!

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Brings a whole new meaning to “shovel ready,” eh?

Announcing the 2009 Homeless World Cup

If you plan to attend, make your reservations now — rooms aren’t going fast.

The best thing about this as far as the organizers are concerned is the travel savings — when the Games are over, they can just drop the athletes off anywhere.

The big incentive for all the athletes is that the team that wins the cup will get to live in it.

Of course, given the economic condition of the USA and where things are headed, it might be wise of all of us to start honing our soccer skills — because “there but for the grace of Hope.”

Ghanans Desecrate U.S. Flag in Honor of Obama Arrival

Barack Obama arrives in Ghana this evening.

The president will be greeted by “welcome home” signs — which is odd for country to do for somebody who absolutely, definitely was not born there.

In any case, some people in Ghana are even handing out flags with Obama’s picture on it in celebration of The One’s visit:

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According to section 176 of the rules, customs and etiquette pertaining to the display and use of the flag of the United States of America:

(g) The flag should never have placed upon it, nor on any part of it, nor attached to it any mark, insignia, letter, word, figure, design, picture, or drawing of any nature.

Will Obama remind Ghanans that putting his picture on it is disrespectul to the U.S. flag? (pause for laughter)

Actually, I expect Obama’s people to pass out a flyer to remind the people of Ghana of the proper and more respectful way to display the U.S. flag:

Incorrect:

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Correct:

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Introducing Burger King’s New ‘Double Innuendo’ Sandwich

Looks like somebody at BK’s ad agency in Singapore could use a little saltpeter in their Snapple:

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I understand the concept that “sex sells,” but, speaking strictly for myself, I’m far less likely to buy a sandwich if the ad for it gives the impression that “it’s just like sucking a dick.”

That BK ad isn’t quite as classy as this old cigarette ad, but it’s close:

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(h/t Jenn)

Do Women See Mark Sanford’s Mistress in the Mirror?

Meghan Daum has an opinion column in the Los Angeles Times today under the following title: Do men see Mark Sanford in the mirror?

Here’s the closer:

No one’s excusing Sanford’s behavior. But as we slog through another week of the Jackson postmortem-paloooza and wonder at the fact that we’re also still hearing about the South Carolina governor’s love for certain tan lines, maybe it’s worth asking ourselves why. Is it because we’re uncategorically appalled? Or is it because maybe, just maybe, there’s a tiny bit of Mark Sanford in, if not all men, quite a few of them? And that’s more than you can say of Michael Jackson.

Are all men, at the core, Mark Sanford?

That’s a fair enough question as long as it’s followed up. Since Ms. Daum is one of those who’s also guilty of keeping the Sanford story alive, we can’t answer her question without simultaneously answering this one: Is there a tiny bit of María Belén Chapur in, if not all women, quite a few of them?

In other words, Meghan, “it takes two to bango.”